Innocence
by Mraatvtey
Summary: What is it that brings Mello and Matt together again after years of seperation? Why is it Mello really needs Matt back anyway? Rated M for sex, both wanted and not, language, etcetera. Co-authored between The Original Gamer and Ravenfire40.
1. One:Matt

**A/N:  
Yeaaahhh...another shitty title.  
Surprise, surprise. The Original Gamer here in DISGUISE. Okay, not really, but I suppose I should still clarify things.  
A) It IS in fact, The Original Gamer here.  
B) Matty and Raven (RavenFire40, look into her, she's awesome seriously) have decided to get a joint account so they can…well combine their skills and make their fics even more awesome.  
C) As of this fic here I, Matty, will be writing from Matt's POV. And Raven will be writing from Mello's. ('Cos her Mello OWNS my mushy Mello ;3)  
ANYWAY, we thought it'd be nice to start with a sort of…bang, y'know? This fic will no doubt be angsty and all that fun stuff. ENJOY IT.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, very obviously. Otherwise you wouldn't see Matt the most in fan fiction and he'd have a REASON to be one of the most popular characters. (*cough* By being more apparently Mello's bitch in the series. *cough* :'D) I don't own Dixie either, props to Raven for her. I also DO NOT own Super Bomberman, which is a fucking awesome game, or SuperNintendo, though it is my goal one day to be CEO of their company. Heh.**

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The noisy din of the dining hall filled my senses, worming its way into my mind and refusing to let go. It wasn't as if I minded much; the more noise, the harder it was to think. Which was exactly how I wanted it to be. Thinking had just grown to be one of those things I avoided as much as studying or going outside; something I didn't want to put up with. Thinking led to brooding, and brooding led back to the unnecessary misery I just couldn't handle.

Absently my fingers drummed against the table, eyes focused on the faux wood grains. I could trace no specific pattern in them, not without my mind forcing it. They just sort of stayed as they were, meaningless and empty, just there to look good.

A lot of things were meaningless and empty nowadays.

A light touch to my shoulder jarred me from my wandering thoughts. Only mentally of course, it wasn't as if I'd really jumped, or shown any sign I'd noticed at all. As it would be rude to ignore my companion, I glanced over, raising one brow in expectance. The blonde gestured towards the still untouched plate of food before me, a small frown tugging down at her lips.

"You should eat Matt," It didn't sound so much like a suggestion or order, but more like she was pleading with me. I knew she was worried, it was written all over her face, and it had me feeling incredibly guilty. It's not like I was out to make her constantly worried; I didn't mean to cause her stress. It just sort of happened before I could stop it. No matter how hard I tried, things weren't the same, and I couldn't cover it all up completely.

It was an awful good thing she didn't know the extent of my pain. No one did, nor would they ever. That was for me, and me alone, no need to bother anyone else.

"I'm not really hungry," I responded truthfully, prodding at the carrots on my plate with my fork. One of the crinkled disks gave away a bit under my prodding, squishing down until it was sliced in half, some of the orange mush clinging to the metal tines. That just didn't look appetizing at all to begin with, making my stomach churn with distaste. Most things did it seemed; I didn't eat much more then was needed to keep myself up and about and alive. I wasn't ever hungry.

The hand that had just been resting on my arm was now holding onto it, applying a light pressure. It wasn't to show she was irritated with me -I was sure of that- most likely it was just to drag my attention back to her. Made me think of how Mello would have been about ready to hit me for my defiance.

Not that he ever had.

Namely to distract myself, I looked back over to the blonde girl, tilting my head towards her to show I was listening. An eye roll was given to this, and a heavy sigh as she removed her hand from my arm, pointing to the plate again.

"You're never hungry Matt. You never eat more than a few bites at a time. You can't keep going on like that y'know, you're losing a ton of weight you definitely don't need to. I can swear sometimes you're thinner than me and-"

I held up two fingers, silently gesturing for her to be quiet, shaking my head, a little grin toying at my lips. "Dixie, relax. I'm fine, I swear, so don't worry. Please?" She shouldn't worry, I would survive, I _had_ survived, had I not? Maybe it was because of her. After all, she was the one at my side the moment I'd found out Mello had left, and had stuck there since. She was the reason I kept up appearances and didn't just lock myself away from the world until Mello returned. She was the reason I put on a smile and an easy façade, the reason I could sometimes genuinely laugh or smile, and the reason I still had hope that Mello was coming back.

Then again, she wasn't Mello, would never be Mello, and could never come close. Even now, as I kept my gaze on the blonde before me, I was comparing, catching every wrong detail, each one like a knife to the heart. Blue eyes, like Mello's, but his were lighter, icier, more brilliant in color. Blonde hair too, but Mello's just skimmed his shoulders, always set and perfect, as opposed to hers tugged back in a lazy ponytail. Sitting down, I could still tell that Mello was several inches taller, more built, and obviously much less feminine. Her features were soft and gentle, whereas Mello's were sharper, more intense. Even the differences in their clothing styles got to me, she wore bright, warm colors to his black.

As if these things weren't bad enough, the differences in their personalities just made things all the worse. Mello wouldn't be pleading with me to eat, wouldn't be grabbing my attention with gentle touches. No…it'd be something more like: 'Dammit Matt, quit being a fucking dumb ass and get over yourself. Eat something or so help me god I won't hesitate to shove food down your throat.'

It was amazing how well I could still play out Mello's voice in my head, could picture the expression that would go along with it. His jaw would be clenched, very obviously straining the muscle, eyes narrowed into that chilling glare of his. One eyebrow would remained arched up though, as if questioning why I even dared try and say no to him. Hah…pathetic it was, that was all I had, a cleverly crafted mental image. Not Mello…I didn't have Mello. He wasn't here, hadn't been here. Two years, nine months, and eleven days in counting.

_'Yeah…you're right, he'll be back. Probably just went and got side-tracked in class or something, nothing to worry about.' A nervous laugh and Matt moved towards the drawers that held his and Mello's belongings. Despite his reassurance to himself moments before, fear choked at his throat, because something was wrong, very wrong. 'Matt…you okay?' Dixie's voice came from behind him, slender hand resting on his shoulder. He didn't shrug it off, didn't react at all, still digging through the drawers desperately._

_'Mello's things! They aren't here!' Even his voice was laced with a strong panic, choked and shaking. The girl gave a frown, quickly setting about helping him in his search._

_'There's something here, I'm sure. Relax Matt.'_

_Moments passed in silence other than his frantic breaths and panicked riffling through the entire room, searching vainly in search of signs that his best friend was there still._

_'Nothing! Where is it?! There's got to be something! He hasn't left…he hasn't!' Even as the words spilled out, Matt could hear the vain desperation in his own voice, tears leaking out and spilling hot down his face. It felt as if someone had ripped out his heart and thrown it aside, leaving a big, gaping, empty hole in its place. Mello was gone._

Just thinking about that sent a shock of pain through my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, fist clenching up under the table, willing the hurt to go away.

It had been years since that day. Three long, painful years, and with months to add on. There was nothing comparable to the pain of being separated from Mello. Everywhere I looked, something was there that brought him to mind, it was impossible not to think about him. Not to miss him. Every day he wasn't here was another day it was a struggle not to break down entirely and close in on myself. Every day was a new pain in the chest, stretching the hole wider, toying with the very seams that held me together.

But Mello was coming back. I wouldn't lose the hope, I couldn't lose it. No Mello was almost as bad as no oxygen.

Scratch that, it was worse.

For now I was content to wait. Okay, so maybe not content, but I would wait. No matter how long it took, I would wait for Mello, because he was coming, he was.

"…Matt, should we go back to the room? I've still got to beat you at Super Bomberman, remember? Can't leave your Super Nintendo neglected, now can we?" By the sound of her voice, I could tell Dixie was trying to lighten my mood. She'd become attuned to it lately, being able to tell when it was low and when I was relatively okay, despite how hard I tried to keep a sense of normalcy about myself. I wasn't irritated by this, rather…relieved. She knew when to give me a distraction, and when to give me space. Heck, she'd even taken to sleeping in my bed the same way I used to sleep with Mello.

Only it wasn't the same.

That wasn't to say I wasn't thankful, of course I was. I would never push her away; I owed her way too much. No one else would put up with me the way I was at the moment, I was sure.

Silently, I stood, nodding my head in answer to her question. Not a word escaped her either as she followed in suit, dumping her plate into the garbage can after mine. As I made my way out, her hand found my own, giving a squeeze of reassurance. 'I'm here', it said.

She was here, yes, but Mello wasn't.

It wasn't ever going to be the same thing, no matter how hard she tried.

A squeeze was given in return though, letting her know I understood. It was apologetic even, after all, I was putting her through all this and not giving much back in return. It wasn't like I hadn't warned her from the start, but I still felt guilty. It was hard not to. Yet she never complained once, never told me to man up and stop sulking, never told me I was wrong and Mello was never coming back. She understood, she knew, and she cared.

Which was what I needed most to get me through whatever Mello-less time there was to come.

"So you're going to beat me this time, huh?" Finally I forced words out, unable to leave the silence hanging.

Amazingly my voice sounded normal, teasing even, just as it should have come out.

A smile touched her lips, pleased that I was at least trying. "You bet I am. I've had a lot of practice over the last few years. You couldn't have lead yourself to believe that I was going to let you keep your mastership forever." Her voice was equally teasing, and she nudged me playfully in the ribs, blue eyes relaxed and happy.

The conversation of sorts continued on smoothly, teasing insults and good-natured challenges passed between us, easing the previous tension that I'd created. It grew easier and easier to hold my smile, and the laughs came out much less forced and awkward sounding. It was enough to say I was content, not happy, not perfect, but close enough. She'd taken to twining her fingers in with mine as we walked, leaning in and keeping close. "I've got after class work to take care of y'know, so don't keep me locked up in here too long." Dixie warned, pulling a mock stern expression as I set my hand over the doorknob to the room I'd once shared with Mello. I gave an eye roll, pushing the door open with a small laugh.

"Me? Keep you locked up? Yeah right, I'd say you were the one who-" I cut off abruptly, eyes widening as I caught sight of a very significant change in the room.

Or rather, a very significant someone in the room.

Sitting on my bed, devastatingly gorgeous as always, clad completely in dark, revealing leather, was a certain hot-headed blonde. His expression was completely serious, and slightly bored, eyes fixated on nothing in particular. That was, until Dixie gasped in shock, having caught sight of him as she entered the room behind me.

Those icy eyes focused on us in an instant, looking even sharper and more intense then I remembered. They were on me first, scrutinizing, and…relieved almost? I couldn't be sure from here. Then they shifted, resting on the blonde girl beside me with a look he usually reserved for Near. This fact went unregistered other then the initial noticing, because all I could think of was that he was here. At last, after years without him, he was back.

I was right. He wouldn't leave me, not forever, he had come back.

"Mello!" I finally cried out in complete and utter delight. Without much thought I'd practically flung myself on him, not caring how awkward a position we might have ended up in. I held on tight to him, practically quivering with joy at having him back. Words could not describe how numbingly happy I was, the pain of the past months practically forgotten at the pure pleasure of being able to touch, and hold, and be with Mello again.

"Jesus Christ, _Mello." _I muttered against his throat, clutching tighter at him, mentally thanking every god I knew in existence while simultaneously praying that Mello would never leave me again. I wasn't going to be so dramatic as to say I wouldn't live if he did, but it definitely wasn't something I was willing to experiment with. Hell if I was ever going to let go of him again.

At this rate, that could possibly be taken literally.

**Want to keep us motivated? ;3  
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	2. Two: Mello

**A/N:  
This chapter belongs to the wonderfully talented Raven~**

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Sometimes I felt guilty for leaving Matt like I did, with no warning or sign save for my missing clothes.

I knew how much he needed me, and I knew that he had lived solely for whatever touch I allowed him to steal. I knew he would suffer without me. It would be painful, no doubt ending up to be one of those aching pains in your chest that lasted for years.

Sometimes I wondered how I ever could have brought myself to inflict that kind of pain on him.

It wasn't easy to leave, let me tell you. Just imagining that lost puppy look he adopted when he thought he had been wronged. If it was possible to break my heart, that expression would do it.

Sometimes I felt guilty, and I wondered what the fuck I was thinking.

And then I remembered the type of life that I lived. The people I work with and the environment I spend my time in would not be kind to Matt. His innocence, that very thing that inspired me to befriend him in the first place, would be torn into pieces and trampled on. Hell, for that matter let's just set it on fire and let it die from smoke inhalation.

And THAT is exactly why I didn't bring Matt with me, no matter how much it hurt him. Believe me, hurting him was never an easy thing to do, and under no circumstances did I enjoy it.

…Well that was a stretch. If it wasn't too serious, sometimes messing with his mind could be quite entertaining.

Yes, we all know I'm a horrible person. It's what makes me Mello – defines my personality.

Maybe I was making up for the past couple years of solitude I'd put him through by coming to retrieve him now. Maybe it was because I needed him as much as he needed me.

Then again, maybe not. I had a much less noble reason for my actions. Can you think of a time where I was really truly kind to anyone? I didn't think so.

His room, or 'ours' as it used to be, hadn't changed much in the past few years. There were game consoles and controllers and cases laying everywhere. He was even still sleeping in my bed, with my sheets. I could tell because both beds were nicely made. He never made his own bed, and only ever made mine because he knew it annoyed the hell out of me when he didn't. Though I should have expected it, it disturbed me that he continued this habit.

However, I wouldn't let him know that I realized this. I would wait for him in his own bed, like I believed he actually used it.  
I sat down on said bed, being sure to steer clear of the pillow; I knew that bothered him.

The wait was much too long. I guessed that it was about supper-time now, since classes were over and Matt wasn't back in his room already. They must have changed the schedule on me. Good thing I hadn't arrived during a passing period.

I was brought out of my thoughts by voices approaching in the hallway. Matt's and someone else. A distinctly high-pitched female voice. And they sounded…happy? Since when was Matt allowed to be happy when I wasn't around? Obviously once he got closer and louder I could hear past his pretense; he really was hurting, I could tell. And I didn't like the sound one bit.

The next thing I heard was the doorknob turning, and then there he was, standing in front of me. Smiling to whomever it was that he had been talking to. That is, until he saw me. His expression became shocked, and his grin was one of the stupidest things I'd ever seen him wear. I was relieved to see him healthy, at the very least.

Not that I would ever let him know this.

My eyes and entire expression were completely unwelcoming. It wasn't hard to do, considering that whatever joy I got out of seeing him again were overshadowed by the small blond that appeared behind him. Her surprised gasp was satisfying, as well as the fear in her eyes when I gave her the darkest glare I could muster. And believe me, it's pretty damn scary. I've seen it myself in the mirror once.

"Mello!" he cried, and suddenly I was tackled by a very excited redhead with such ferocity that I found myself laying on my back. And could you guess who was on top of me?

He didn't seem to mind, however, as his arms only tightened around my waist. He was doing his customary nuzzling into my throat and…was that sniffing I heard? Breathing in my scent was one thing, I knew he did that all the time, but seriously, this was a bit overboard.

It took more effort than I expected to make us both sit up.

"Get off." I growled, lifting my arms from underneath his, forcing his hold to break. "Who the fuck is she?" My glare returned the girl still standing in the doorway. She was very obviously afraid of me, but her smile told me that she was happy. Most likely happy that Matt was happy. How cliché.

Matt glanced over at her, but apparently he couldn't keep his eyes off of me for long because his head snapped back to look in my direction. Of course I couldn't see exactly what his eyes did because of the goggles, but I were sure they were locked on me.

"Dixie. She's a friend, that's all." He must have guessed what I was thinking. Matt had this uncanny ability to do that, and it got fuckin' annoying at times. I wanted to know how he did that.

"You been sleeping with her?" was my next question. I needed to know.

"No, no. Nothing like that. She's just a friend, Mels." I knew he wouldn't lie to be about that, so there was definitely a bit of relief there.

"I don't like her. Get rid of her."

Matt gave me a shocked expression. "She didn't do anything wrong, Mels." And then turned to her, looking extremely apologetic. However, we all know that he would choose me over her skinny ass any day.

Matt opened his mouth to say something to her, probably to apologize, but she cut him off. "Don't worry about it. I understand. I'll see you around later."

Finally the door was closed and she was gone. I hate wasting time, so I told Matt exactly why I had come. Or at least gave him a general idea. There was no way I would reveal the real reason why I had come yet. That would have to wait.

Before I could speak, his arms were around me again and his face was nuzzling into my neck in that annoying way of his. We couldn't have this continue.

"If you're coming with me, you'd better pack up. We need to get going before it gets dark."

He looked up at me for a moment, grinning like an idiot once more. I imagine his eyes lit up behind those goggles. "Really?" he asked me, like I would lie about that. His voice was filled with such, well, it could only be called childish delight that it was impossible to truly be annoyed over the stupidity of the question. Even if it was damn stupid.

And then he was gone, or at least he wasn't against me anymore. He had pulled out a suitcase from somewhere, and was throwing clothes inside. Clothes, bathroom necessities, and games. I should have known Matt would bring those. Matt being happy without games is like Matt being happy without me. It just doesn't happen. (And yeah, I'm a cocky bastard saying that. Shove it.)

It wasn't a half an hour later before his duffel was thrown in the backseat, and we were riding away in my stolen car. That's right, stolen. Got a problem with it?

As much as I preferred my motorcycle, I knew it would have been useless in this case. We needed to be inconspicuous as we traveled, and we needed the space in the back for his stuff.

The entire ride I never once saw that grin of his diminish. When he wasn't gawking at me, he was staring out the side window. I think he may have fallen asleep once or twice during the multi-hour ride, but if he did he must be able to sleep and smile at the same time.  
How typical.

Eight hours and two energy drinks later we reached my apartment building. Without a word, the two of us got out of the car, he grabbed his duffel bag, and we started up the stairs to the apartment.

Matt was wary, as he very well should be. This was not exactly the best area of town. Many of the buildings were boarded up, as well as some of the apartments in my complex. In my building, for that matter.

Luckily, my apartment didn't reflect any of this. Everything was fixed and in working order. It was even clean (surprise, surprise, I had threatened somebody's girlfriend until she agreed to clean it for me) for the first time since I moved in. And hopefully now that Matt was here it would stay clean. At least, that was the plan.

"You can drop your bag anywhere, but you'll sleep on the couch." Even as I said it, I didn't believe it and I suspected he didn't either. We both knew he'd take to sleeping in my bed just like he had at Wammy's. And just like I had at Wammy's, I wouldn't shove him away. Damn him for knowing that.

He just dropped his bag in the middle of the floor and wrapped his arms around me, once more nuzzling his face into my throat. What was with that? Did I just smell that good? The way he did it vaguely reminded me of a dog, but a lot of things about Matt reminded me of the domestic animal. He's just like that.

Hm. What a horrible reason for thinking he's a dog.

We sat together on the couch that Matt would supposedly be sleeping on. His arms were still around me, and slowly mine came around him as well. God how I had missed this boy. And to think he was hardly a boy anymore.

At this show of affection he looked up at me, and I pushed his goggles down around his neck so I could see the expression behind them. That was probably a mistake. He was practically brimming over with joy. I wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't cry here and now, he'd done that once or twice before. It was the happiest expression I had seen in years. And it was because of me. That thought suddenly made the long hours driving to get him all worth it. I did need him, it was confirmed.

What I also needed were those soft lips of his. Those very kissable lips.

Wait, that thought was bad. Sure I was gay, and sure Matt was gay (or it seemed like it sometimes), but I didn't want him, and he didn't want me. This wasn't supposed to happen.

And yet it was. I pressed my lips to his in a rather gentle manner at first. As expected, he gasped in surprise. For a moment I thought he would pull away and leave me feeling horribly embarrassed.

But, no. Instead his lips molded around mine. It was like they were crafted to be together in this manner. And the way he fit in my arms as I drew him closer... My hand pushed his bangs out of his eyes so I could see them better, and his hands were holding my face, as if it were something precious he didn't want to break.

We'll see who would be breaking who, now wouldn't we?

I could feel the heat rising as I intensified the kiss. I raised his shirt up, sliding my hands up his sides.

Ah, now Matt could tell where we were headed. A blush spread across his cheeks in a way that sent flames coursing through my body. I wanted him, and I wanted him now. And Mello always gets what he wants.

Always.

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**Resist the arrow. I dare you.  
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	3. Three: Matt

**A/N:  
It's been so long. D: Okay, well not that long, but certainly longer then we planned. This is what happens when you have a gamer trying to get through high school writing a chaptered fic. Very slow updates. o.O I swear the next one will come faster, or Raven might just kill me. Well...no, I can tell you my next chapter will be a struggle. ;3  
Enjoy this one though. -insert evil laughter here-**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ever heard of a little thing called emotional overload? Y'know, how you feel too much and all that crap all at once and like…break down and stuff? Yeah, I was pretty much nearing having one of those. Only, try replacing 'emotion' with 'Mello' and you'd get my situation.

I didn't even know it was possible to have too much of Mello. Nah, scratch that. It isn't possible. Let's try just getting a lot, consecutively, and much too quickly. I had expected Mello to not put up with my clinging. I'd expected Mello to snap at me over my very much unrestrained joy at having him back. And I'd expected Mello to provide some sort of insult along the lines of how totally fucking gay I was acting.

I had absolutely not expected those strong arms to return my clinging embrace. Had not expected him to not only take away my goggles, but look me directly in the eye, something he never did. As much as he complained about me 'using my eyes', I wonder if he ever considered the force of his own. I mean, how was it even possible to have something the color of ice, be so damn hot at the same time? Like those weird flames you got when you lit up driftwood…only bluer, and much, much, more -

Oh my Zelda…was that his mouth? On mine? Jeez, it was such an unusual feeling; new, but not at all unpleasant. That word didn't belong anywhere near this…kiss? Yes a kiss, because as soon as the thought occurred to me, I slanted my lips over his, successfully molding our lips together.

And it was perfect.

More than perfect. It was unquestionably the best thing that I'd ever had the luck to experience in...my entire life. Better then getting a new game, or beating that new game after hours and hours of playing near non stop. Better even than when I'd first received the PlayStation; best game system to date lemme tell you, that now sat neglected in my duffel bag.

…So it was a bit sad that I was comparing my first kiss with the person who was indisputably the love of my life to video-gaming. Sue me. Next to Mello, my games were the most important thing in my life. It was only natural to compare.

Though they definitely did not even come close. My hands had found there way to his face, holding it delicately, tilting my head at just the right angle to provide myself better access to his wonderful lips. Even as I was just now getting used to this, Mello deepened the kiss.

There was a sort of electricity in the air now. Could that be the whole 'sparks flying' sort of thing you heard about when a pair had chemistry? Might have been, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Or even really think at all as I felt his hands on my shirt…scratch that, under my shirt, pushing it up. The cold air of the room hit my skin fast, little goose bumps popping up over my skin. Well….those might not exactly have been from the cold, but whatever.

My shirt was up under my arms now, Mello's long, slightly calloused fingers passing up and down my sides. Reverently? Or just teasing? Whatever it was, it was slow, and definite torture. My skin tingled with every passing of his fingers, heat pooling into every inch of my body.

Including the flush to my cheeks when a few things finally clicked. Firstly, this was not Mello-like behavior, not when it came to me that was. Not to say I was complaining, I was enjoying this…very much. Secondly came the fact that, no matter how little experience I had, I could tell this wasn't going to be just a sweet little kissing session. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing, or a bad, but hell if it wasn't making me blush like crazy.

Which was something that seemed to please Mello, as he pulled me closer still, his chest almost flush against mine. The kiss intensified further, the insistent sweeping of his tongue over my lower lip sending tingly shivers down my spine. Or maybe that was because his hands were now tracing idle patters on my lower back, I couldn't keep track anymore.

Apparently the licking had some other purpose then trying to add pleasure to the kiss, seeing as Mello grabbed my jaw, tilting my head in a manner that pretty much forced my mouth to open. That and the fact that he actually shoved his tongue in caught me off guard…I mean seriously who would have thought? Okay, so it was sort of an obvious thing you did when you kissed, I'd just never really thought of it before. What the hell was I supposed to-

Oh….that felt really, really good. Did I actually moan? Yeah, I think I did, but hell that was amazing. I definitely wasn't minding the whole tongue thing anymore. In fact…I'm just going to try and stop thinking now, it seemed to be distracting from the situation at hand. That was most definitely not a good thing.

Before I could even properly melt into the kiss, those abso-frickin'-lutely amazing lips were cruelly removed from mine. Mello had his hands on my shirt again, yanking it upwards as if to pull it up though that couldn't possibly work as my arms were still down. I went to lift my arms a bit to aid him, but sure enough there was the distinct sound of fabric ripping…before he ended up pulling it over my head. That little set back aside, it was time to work on his. Just how was the question.

No, wait, there was a zipper. How incredibly easy, all considering the fact that he was wearing leather. Wasn't that supposed to be hard to take off? And wasn't I supposed to be not thinking? Let's get back to that.

The same moment I reached out to glide my fingers over the smooth, sort of cool material, I found myself letting out a small, shaky laugh.

"Leather, Mels?" Once I thought on it, I found that to be rather amusing. It was just so Mello. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd have worn it back at Wammy's; if it were allowed that was. As it were, leather was most certainly not allowed, and I'd been denied the sight of my very, very sexy best friend in said tight fitting material for all those years.

Say it like that and it almost sounded creepy. Heh.

But we're talking about me here. Y'know Matt? The helpless gamer nerd that didn't even think that kissing involved getting Mello's tongue shoved near down your throat?

…Okay I really needed to stop thinking now, because everything I thought was coming out twisted and unappealing.

"Yes leather, its more suiting to my way of business," I hadn't really expected an answer, so this got me to pause and look at Mello in question. What was his way of business anyway? I'd yet to ask, and found myself undeniably curious now. What a time to start asking questions…

This time no further explanation was given. Mello just rolled his eyes, and proceeded to tug off his own vest, chucking it aside to join wherever my shirt had fallen. My eyes fell to his newly bared chest, mouth going dry, and swallowing heavily.

Holy freaking…wow. I think I forgot how to breathe for a minute, as I put together Mello's absolutely hot body with his equally amazing face and…wow. Again. There was definitely reverence in my touch as I trailed my fingers over the lean muscles of his pale chest. Not so pale as me, lightly tanned even, and decidedly more muscled than my own. He was thin, yes, but not wiry or disproportionate. It all worked, a wonderful, lovely balance of strength and beauty. It was hard not to marvel, as I had back at Wammy's, and probably always would.

It struck me then though. Mello had changed. Not just physically, but mentally as well, emotionally. My Mels wouldn't be in such attire as this to begin with, practically setting himself on a whorish display. He wouldn't have such a strong, almost harsh grip in my hair, holding me there so that the ravishing of my lips could continue. It wasn't just the things I could see and feel either, but something was…off. Something about him was wrong, and not at all like the Mello I knew and loved.

Such thoughts were all but vanquished from my mind when Mello's fingertips brushed light over the skin just over the hem of my pants, successfully catching my attention and holding it there. Before I could stop it, another noise built up in my throat, escaping me in a light exhale of air. Once more his lips were no longer on mine, or anywhere on me for that matter. His hands never left my skin, but his upper body had pulled away, and I felt his eyes on me.

My own, which I hadn't remembered closing, opened once more, and I was watching him in turn. Never once did his eyes meet mine as the scrutinized my half bared body. There was no awe in his calculating blue eyes, just a sort of appraisal. Not even the look Mello had given me when we'd first spoken, when he'd been trying to see if I were really worth his time. It was colder, much less personal; a look you would give a piece of merchandise, not a possible lover.

To try and distract myself from the oddity of this, I leaned in myself, dipping my head to plant clumsy, but sure kisses over his neck, trailing a path down to his chest. Almost mechanically it seemed, his hand went to my hair, brushing through it in a pleasurable manner. I sighed, pleased that at least things were turning more normal again. I was able to concentrate on learning how to pleasure Mello as surely he could pleasure me, practically worshiping the beautiful expanse of taut flesh before me with my mouth and hands. It was only because I was so close to his chest that I caught the softest of moans, telling me that I was not failing as miserably as I would have thought.

The silence wasn't to last though, and soon Mello had thrown a random comment into the air.

"You've lost weight."

"Not that much…"

"Yes that much. You didn't grow much taller either."

"Excuse me for not knowing I was supposed to."

There was the briefest of pauses, and I could still feel Mello's eyes trailing over me. With the back of me now easier seen, it seemed he had more to scrutinize. "But you've matured…nicely," His fingers were on me again, trailing down my spine, sending shivers of delight through me. It felt really nice, better then nice, words wouldn't describe…

"Er…Thank you?" I wasn't sure how to take his words once they registered. It sounded like a compliment, but the tone he said it in held no affection. If there were any affection to be noted, I would have caught it. Period.

I received nothing more then a noncommittal grunt in answer. Still his fingertips dipped lower, once more trailing elegant patterns over the small of my back. Lower still passed that, to much more of an untouched area. And I was pressing into his touch, welcoming, urging lower until…

He was gone. Out of touching reach, the warmth of his body no longer lingering with mine. All of him, his hands, his mouth, his scent…all out of reach again. Leaving me in an awkward position, hands and knees on the couch supporting me, head still dipped. My breath still came out in heavy pants, and to my dismay, and actual whine escaped me for my loss.

I lifted my head, aiming to meet his eyes, silently pleading to know what I'd done wrong to turn him away. He didn't look at me, even as I shifted my position so that I was sitting properly. It was only when I went to stand, when my fingers brushed over his wrist, did he turn his eyes to me again.

Those definitely were not the eyes of my Mello. They were cold as ice, without his usual fire, almost dead looking, devoid of anything that used to be there when he looked at me. It was the first time I could remember that he grasped the goggles around my neck, not to pull them off, but to pull them over my eyes. Hiding away what he was always complaining he never got to see.

"I didn't bring you here for my pleasure Matt. I need you for something more important."

"What is it Mels?" There was definite tension about Mello's frame, that would have gone unnoticed by any other person but myself. I itched to grab his wrist, to pull him down next to me again and try and will that tension away. There was something wrong about it; something beyond the kind he got back at Wammy's. Something I didn't like.

"Against my expectations, you haven't asked yet." His voice was barely a murmur, as if he were speaking to himself, his back was turned on me once more, and he was pacing. Not a thoughtful pace, but one of agitation, like a caged lion. "Don't you wonder what I've been up to these past years, Matt?" There was no pause given for me to answer, instead he continued on, voice picking up to normal levels again as he recounted the past years to me.

It left me speechless to say the least. Mello, my Mels…went to the Mafia, of all things. He'd needed people to back him up, a strong force, and apparently that was his best bet. I was surprised, struck wordless, unable to put this together in a way that made sense as it should.

Yet at the same time, I wasn't too shocked. It was Mello after all. Mello who would do anything to be on top, who had the skill and brains that rivaled those that far surpassed him in age and status. Who had the fire and ferocity, to yes, be at the top of the Mafia.

"-just one thing Matt, one small detail, and I could get up there. Four years of working my ass off would finally be worth it. That's where you come in."

His pacing ceased, he turned to me with still chilling blue eyes. There was something of the old Mello, my Mello, left in those azure depths, something that called out to me and claimed my attentions. A look that he'd only gotten in his most helpless moments, when it all became too much. A look only I ever saw. Pleading almost, for me not to speak, not to question, not to judge, just to understand.

"How Mels? How can I help?" Anything, I would do anything for him. I'd told him before, he should know that by now.

There was the briefest of hesitations, it might have even been imagined, before. "You're going to get fucked, that's how. That innocence of yours is going to get me somewhere. Not just somewhere, up there, Matt."

For the life of me, I could not force words to form in my confounded mind.

As I stared into those cold eyes, completely devoid of emotion, my heart crumbled into a pained, betrayed mess of powder.

Mello, my Mello, who I loved and trusted, the only person I would willingly hand my...my virginity to, had sold me.

And all I could do was nod wordlessly, cleaning up the mess of my crumbled heart in, telling myself it wasn't as bad as it seemed.

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**I don't care how much you hate us for this. Review. ^^;  
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	4. Four: Mello

**A/N: Apologies now, not for delay, but shortness. We know this does not at all add up to our last three BUUUT, hopefully Matty, I, have a good chapter in store for you next, eh?  
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"You're going to get fucked, that's how. That innocence of yours is going to get me somewhere. Not just somewhere, up there, Matt."  
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was wishing there was another way to get what I wanted. The look on his face – that betrayed, lost, and abandoned look – made my stomach churn. I remembered the reason now that I put his goggles back on his face; I wouldn't be able to bear the look in his eyes. They were the most expressive part of him.

"What?" The single syllable seemed to roll off his tongue without a thought. His obvious ogling over my body was now completely gone.

Yes, I knew he had been staring. Who wouldn't?

"You heard me. You know I hate to repeat myself." I had to give him my hardened look, careful not to show him exactly what was going through my mind. I liked to pretend that he didn't know me better than I knew myself, and didn't often know what I was thinking about behind the mask.

He didn't even say anything – probably going through shock.

"That innocence is still intact, isn't it? Still a virgin? That's why I went to get you and not somebody else." I wouldn't admit that I really had missed him, though he probably knew that. "Would you rather I had gotten someone else?"

That brought him back to senses, if only for a moment. "No, Mels. You know I'd do anything…"

His words trailed off as I sat down beside him once more, wrapping my arms loosely around his too thin frame and returned to the position we had been in previously. I kissed his neck, right under his ear. "I'll make it up to you afterward."

By the way he relaxed into my arms, I knew he understood my meaning. I also know he wouldn't be up for anything after this guy got done with him. He would be rough, they always were, not caring if they broke him. I'm talking physically and mentally here, if they could. Not that I didn't trust Matt had the mental strength to persevere but, dammit there wasn't actually a good side to this. And suddenly I felt protective. I didn't want him to have Matt. Matt didn't belong to him. He belonged to me.

It was one of those facts of life. Anybody that knew the two of us would be able to testify. Without Mello, there was no Matt. Without Matt, I could survive, but it wasn't easy.

I didn't want to survive without him.

However, this was all beside the point. What we should be thinking about now was how to get him through the coming ordeal. To be completely honest, which I hardly ever was, though I felt guilty about what he was about to go through, I couldn't say I was sorry. I needed this to get where I wanted to be. If something this important had to be sacrificed along the way…well I had destroyed my heart enough that I could do it. I would do it.

He was kissing my neck again. What the fuck gave him the idea that he had that kind of privileges with me?

…Oh, right. I had led him on, hadn't I?

Nevertheless, we couldn't have this. I pulled away from him, none too gently, and stood up once more. I could feel his eyes staring at my back as I walked into the kitchen and rooted through the cabinets, searching for much needed chocolate. It had been much too long since my last bar.

I didn't want to know what thoughts were going through his mind. He was most certainly feeling rejected, and it wasn't exactly something that I was willing to deal with right now.

I closed my eyes as I bit down into the chocolate. Fuck; that helped me relax every time.

Was that smoke I smelled? I glanced over at the stove, but it was turned off. So was the oven. What else could possibly smell like this? It wasn't a gas leak; I was fairly sure of that.

I shouldn't have been surprised when I turned around and saw a cigarette in Matt's mouth. Since I had left and there was only so much video games could do, he needed to have another addiction, didn't he? Too bad it wouldn't do.

"Get that out of your mouth." My voice was as hard as I could muster. "Smoking is exactly the opposite attraction that this guy is going to want from you." I turned away from him again. He knew what I expected; the cigarette was going to be gone and out of sight by the time I faced him again.

As expected, it was gone when I looked back at him. I didn't know where it went, nor did I care as long as the disgusting thing was gone.

I took another bite of my chocolate. "That reminds me, you're due to arrive in two hours."


	5. Five: Matt

**A/N: Long chapter this time. May or may not be a good thing. ^^;  
On a serious note, the rating changed here for a reason. And not exactly a yummy lemon reason. It does, however, include sex. Can't handle it? Go onto the next chapter or just...leave this fic. Only I really suggest the former. 3**

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Two hours just wasn't two hours anymore, was it?

For once, Mello's presence nor any video game I tried could steal the much unwanted agitation from my body. I didn't think about what was to come; I refused to think about it. After all, it was just sex. How bad could it be?

…Something about the way Mello was refusing to look at me, even now as I stepped off his motorcycle, told me it could be pretty bad.  
Even so, I forced myself into relaxation, ignoring these sorts of thoughts, though the sick feeling in my gut refused to go away. I was itching for a cigarette, to have the toxic, yet oh so calming smoke in my lungs; nicotine in my blood stream. My fingers actually twitched towards my pocket as the need for the drug crossed my mind, but I knew Mello wouldn't tolerate it.

When I turned to face the blonde, who had yet to dismount the bike himself, his eyes were focused on something behind me. Or someone, I was sure, by the flash of recognition in his eyes, and then that cold, dead look again. His entire body seemed to tense, jaw clenched, still not even sparing me a glance.

"Lund," Mello's voice was just as stiff as his body, and flatter then I'd ever heard it before, chilling even. I couldn't bring myself to turn around to face whoever it was he was speaking with. The name was average, not threatening, but names certainly didn't mean anything. I mean…look at Mello. Not exactly the most mellow person in the world, eh?

"Mello," The man - I could tell it was a man now due to his voice - greeted in turn. Of course it was a man, not any man, but _the_ man I presume. The one I was about to be pawned off to, if only for a few hours. No doubt a few very long hours… "Is this…?" I guessed I'd been gestured to, as Mello nodded stiffly, still without looking to me.

"He is. Enjoy," The way Mello said that made me want to punch him right in that perfect face of his, which for me is a pretty out there reaction. It just…irritated me, actually pissed me off and I couldn't help but get that urge. I was not a toy, not your common whore, definitely not something to be passed off with a simple 'enjoy'.

Still I was not graced with the honor of having those eyes turned on me, not the eyes I wanted anyway. I could feel that Lund guy's eyes on me, and it sent a chill up my spine. Not even really one of cold - but sickening dread. And I hadn't even seen the guy yet.

"Meet you out here in a few hours Matt," The blonde clapped me lightly on the shoulder,taking off before I could get a word in edgewise_._ At the moment I wanted to run, badly. For a gamer with no life or much experience of the outside world, I still had basic human instinct. And that instinct was telling me this guy was bad news.

Swallowing back my anxiety, I turned to face the man I would soon be giving my innocence up for. Not exactly the person I would have ever expected to take that from me, not at all.

Still off of pure instinct, and maybe the small bit of pride I managed to keep hold on, I didn't flinch back when his dark eyes rested on me. From a glance they were black, but if you looked you could see they were just a dark shade of brown. He was tall for my standards, not stocky, but not thin either. An average name, an average nonthreatening man. Okay, not nonthreatening, there was the distinct aura about him that was decidedly not right. It wasn't just because I knew what he was going to do, but it was there. Mello knew it; he'd sensed it too, I was sure.

On closer inspection, I could make out oddities that normally would have went unnoticed. Or maybe not, I suppose it depended on the inspector. He was slightly disproportionate, that was a little less obvious than his true eye color. His hips were too large to match his overall medium frame, and his hands were on the large side as well. Even as I watched, one of said hands went up to thread long, bulky fingers through his neat, dark hair. It looked as if it could have been gelled, but I couldn't tell. I was no longer paying attention to his hair.  
Because Lund was definitely moving closer, and those dark eyes of his were definitely fixated on me with a look I didn't like at all. A finger on one hand urged up my chin to meet his eyes once he was a little under a foot away, and I forced myself to meet his gaze straight on. His scent enveloped me, but not in the pleasant manner Mello's did. No, rather he reeked of tobacco, and alcohol, and hell knows what else.

Without warning, my goggles were yanked right off my head. Lund promptly tossed them aside, and I could only watch helplessly as the skittered into the nearby alley. I'd have to make a note to retrieve those later. Already a feeling of insecurity swept over me, vulnerability. I needed those goggles, they were protection, left my thoughts…mine. Without them, well I was just an open book, wasn't I? Heck I didn't even let Mello in most of the time, and now I was being forced into letting this guy see it all?

…Very, very literally. Fuck, Link help me. The anxiety I'd gained doubled as the thought hit me once more, and it was hard to fight back again. No, impossible. Not with his eyes on me, and my goggles several feet away out of reach. The hand that had been lifting my chin no had a firm grip on my upper arm, and before I knew it I was being tugged along into the building itself. I think he'd said something in warning, I couldn't be own thoughts sort of blocked out all else.

Low and behold when I opened the door he'd gestured at, I was not greeted to a torture chamber, nor a dungeon, nor hell itself, but all the same I didn't like it. The room was lit only by a dim florescent sort of light, enough to see, but not enough for comfort. The smell of alcohol and drugs was stronger here, almost nauseating. There was a single bed in the back of the room, most likely crawling with filth and bugs. I could make out a door on the east wall, probably to a bathroom or closet, but other then that the room was bare.

I was guessing it wasn't exactly a place that was lived in…

Despite myself, I jumped as I felt a certain pair of strong hands at my hips, holding onto them with more force then necessary. The owner of said pair of hands leaned down so his sticky breath could wash over the side of my face, sending another shudder of disgust down my spine. I really, really hoped this guy wasn't, like, crawling with STD's or something. That was certainly the last thing I wanted to deal with. Who did, really?

Chances were slim though, I was sure.

"I'll just make a few things clear to you, and then we'll get to business," Hah. This was business was it? I was under the impression it was sex. Just sex. Meaning there was no reason to be as tense as I was, no reason for anxiety. It was sex, perfectly normal, good even from what I'd heard. So I kept reminding myself over and over.

So distracted by my mental pep talk, I barely registered that he was talking again. I'd assumed he'd waited for some sort of acknowledgment to his words, or maybe he'd just been talking the whole time…I couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted this over with. It hadn't even started yet though, and judging by the fact that it had yet to begin…I had a feeling it was going to be drawn out.  
Don't you hate it how the awful things seem to stretch on the longest? Like when you were playing a game and it was the parts that were the most boring that seemed to just go on and on and on….Sure the situation was a bit different, but oh well. I was definitely hating how that worked now.

The grip on my hips tightened, shocking me out of my thoughts. Still his breath ghosted over my ear, sending the strands of hair there askew. "It might also be good to know I'm out for my pleasure, and mine alone, not yours. Chances are you will hurt, you will bleed, and it won't matter because your virgin ass is as good as mine for the moment," I could almost hear leer in his voice, and I wanted so badly to put some space between us again. I'd never had much trust for people touching me, save for a few select individuals. This was stretching my nerves to breaking point, and my heart was already thudding desperately in my chest. There was no chance of pulling back though, he was stronger, I could tell. Even as I thought about how much I didn't want to be touched, his hand had released my hips, straying to an area I definitely didn't want him touching; the crotch of my pants.

On instant reaction, my hips jerked back, away from his hand but unfortunately right against his groin. I could feel my eyes widen as my backside connected with something that I was sure wasn't just the outline of some electronic or something.…My mouth went dry again, but not in the good sort of way. More like my tongue felt like sandpaper, and bile rose in my throat. I was stuck, an apparent erection pressing against my ass, and his hand gripping me through my pants. Not very pleasantly I might add. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck…

Heh, but that was the point, wasn't it?

A low chuckle escaped him when a yelp of surprise escaped me. Bastard had tightened his grip on my crotch considerably, squeezing much, much harder then was necessary. If there was ever any pleasure behind that sort of action, he'd far passed it. I was stiff as a board all over again, unconsciously gripping at his wrist in an attempt to get him to just drop the pressure.

A few very slow second passed, before he bit sharply onto my neck and released me simultaneously. I didn't make a noise this time, though I did start slightly. I was screwed, oh so screwed. Why, why, why did I ever agree to this?

Oh right…Mello. Hn. Bastard.

Before I could really regain myself again, my shirt was yanked up, with enough force to tug my arms with it, meaning it was safely removed. The cold air of the room hit me sharply, much more so then back at Mello's apartment. I made no complaint, didn't shiver, just standing there, unsure of what came next.

I wasn't forced to wait long, as within seconds I'd been spun around to face him. Once more I found myself under his scrutiny, only this time his hands came in to play. I hadn't realized before how long his nails might have been, but it was a fact that was hard to miss now when he'd deliberately raked said nails over my chest. It was hard, but I made no noise, just inching back slightly, turning away once more. As was only to be expected after a few I was grabbed again, spun, and forced to my knees. Leaving me face to face with an admittedly large erection. Hello disease, good bye virginity….

Nothing was said, but I wasn't so oblivious that I didn't know what was expected of me. Disgust swelled up stronger then before, and bile rose again. I didn't want to do this, I so did not want that in my mouth…

My wants didn't matter though, because his hand was on my chin again, tilting my head back just slightly, pushing his thumb against my lower lip pointedly. I wanted to curse, and bite him or something. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, or some other whore. What I actually got was a mouthful of the bastards probably disease laced cock.

It didn't stop there, oh no. I was given just seconds to get used to the feeling, but the moment I was able to position myself, and work my mouth right, he had pressed on. Quite literally. His hand was fisted into my hair in a harsh sort of grip, and his hips had bucked forward with a sort of force that might just have broken my jaw. Crap…it sure felt like it. I gagged as he just continued to press further, hitting the back of my throat, and still not pausing.

My eyes were watering, chest heaving as I tried desperately to fill my lungs with much needed air. No joke, it was near impossible to breathe around some bastard's dick in your mouth. It was also pretty hard to protest, so of course I was forced to persevere, all considering he was holding me there. Okay, I'd assumed by fucked, it was going to be…y'know, through normal manners. Not my friggin' mouth. Heh, maybe I'd get lucky, and he'd let me off after this.

…I had a feeling that I wasn't lucky.

It couldn't have been very long that I was stuck there, kneeling on the floor, slowly nearing my death through oral, but it sure felt like forever. I mean seriously, I could swear I was suffocating here. I was seeing freaking stars. I tried my best to get the gist of things, so that maybe he'd pause in his merciless thrusting before he really did break my jaw. Right as my head was starting to spin, his movement cut off entirely with a particularly hard thrust, and I both felt and tasted his release in my mouth. The moment he released my hair, I pulled back, spluttering and gagging and willing myself not to puke right then.

I lifted a hand in order to wipe at my mouth, but instead ended up getting yanked sharply to my feet. I swayed, almost falling backwards again, only to have an arm catch me around the waist. I was almost - almost grateful for that. Until the asshole went and spun me around, shoving at my lower back with just enough force that I stumbled towards the bed. Thankfully I caught myself before I bashed my head against the frame, palms resting on the soiled blankets, supporting my upper body while my feet remained planted on the ground.  
Just as I went to straighten myself, a heavy hand pressed against my back, leaving me bent over in what must have been a provocative position. Oh damn, I wasn't getting off, I so was not getting off…Before I could stop it a small whine escaped me, barely audible, but one of distaste no less. His free hand went to work at my belt buckle, undoing it quickly before promptly forcing my pants down to the ground. That done, he nudged a knee between my legs, easily forcing them apart. Exposed, completely exposed and there was nothing I could do about that.

This guy had one killer sex drive if he was already aroused enough to nail me. The thought was only confirmed as I did, in fact, feel the definite hardness of an erection pressed up right behind me. Same as before, only minus the clothes.

There was no warning. No lubrication, or preparation like even I knew there should have been. No condoms, no easy slide in, none of that. I didn't even have a full grasp of what was happening, and suddenly he had thrust himself forward, successfully impaling me on his disgusting dick.

It was all I could do not to scream. All I could do meaning I'd bitten down sharply on my lip, enough that the coppery taste of blood had joined the taste of his cum that was still thick on my tongue. A scream would be justified though because damn did it hurt. When I thought sex, it never once occurred to me that it might feel like I was getting split in two.  
It was horrible, excruciating, the exact opposite of what I would have though sex would be like. It felt wrong, it had to be wrong, there was no way something like that was supposed to fit inside a guy. The going wasn't easy, I could tell, as he kept having to pull back, and dive right in again. Each time it brought new pains, more pain, and got me that much closer to crying out.

_Thrust_.

I hoped he went and suffered some crippling injury.

_Thrust_.

I wished he would go die in a hole somewhere alone.

_Thrust_.

Scratch that. I wished him a very, very painful death.

_Thrust_.

Damn him. Damn him to the deepest darkest pit of hell.

There was no avoiding it now. A scream tore out of my throat with his next thrust, when I could swear something actually went and tore inside of me. Things seemed to be going smoother now, the thrusts were more even, but that did not make them any less harsh. In fact, that longer it went on, the harder he seemed to go. All the while his nails dug into my back, my chest, my stomach, sometimes drawing blood, and sometimes merely a faint sting. The clawing was nothing compared to the feeling of him inside me, pounding away as if his sole intention was to break me.

I fisted my hands into the faded fabric of the blanket below me, biting back scream after scream, letting out only quiet whimpers. With every thrust came a new level of pain, each movement seeming to tear me even more then the last had. I was pretty sure I was bleeding now, and not just from my lip or chest. Tears sprang up in my eyes, though I held them back, knowing it would probably give him satisfaction. Instead I closed my eyes tight, chest heaving as I tried to remain calm and not fall into the searing pain that was coursing through my whole frame. I was tense, and I knew that wouldn't help, but I couldn't get myself to relax. You try it when you have some weird bastard shredding up the inside of you with his fucking dick!

As if things weren't bad enough, I couldn't stop thinking about how wrong this was. Not only the sickening pain, or the fact that I was bleeding where I most certainly should not be. Because even if it was sex how I'd always pictured it, I wouldn't be able to take it without a heavy heart. Sure I was doing it for the one I loved, but that was so much different then doing it with the one I loved.

Though, for the record, this was not an experience I was ever going to repeat.  
The teeth digging harshly into my neck signaled to me that it was over, that he had once more reached his climax, emptying himself into my much abused orifice. I sighed in relief, slumping forward and dropping my head onto the bed. I wriggled forward a bit, to get away, get him out of me, but his hands held me fast. I whimpered at the bruising force of his grip, at the fact that he lent forward, lips near my ear again.

"Not quite done. Its hardly been half the time I've been promised. My drive is unbelievable, so I'll be taking as much advantage of this sweet opportunity as I can,"

His words were like an icy bucket of water over the head. I wanted to scream, and fuss, and cry and just all together throw a huge fit. It was for Mello though, I had to remember that. And I'd already gone once…what was a little more?  
The few tears I allowed to spill out was enough for me to know that even I couldn't fool myself out of this. A little more was going to cost a lot.

In record time the process started all over again, and there wasn't much I could do but endure.

-----

A few minutes had passed since Lund had left me, exhausted and slumped on the bed, and I couldn't stop that trembles that ran through my body. I'd assumed he'd be talking to Mello, and I could only hope all that would actually add up to something, would help Mello.  
I felt as if the strength of my body had left me. Maybe it was slowly dripping out of my ass along with all that blood. Heh, wouldn't that be interesting…

I couldn't stay there forever though. Didn't want to stay there, so it was inevitable that I had to force myself to stand. I could swear it was only by God's power did my legs not buckle beneath me. Some God, letting me go through that without smiting the bastard or whatever it is he did. Now that I was alone, I could allow a whimper to escape me as I leaned down, pulling my pants up fully onto me once more. If that was bad, I could only imagine what walking would feel like…

It was hell.

My butt had not been so sore since that one time I'd not moved away from beside my PlayStation for a whole week on end. And that was nothing in comparison to this. With every step, I swore I tore something new, as if enough damage hadn't been done. Tears were now flowing freely, but I couldn't be sure it was completely from pain.

It was several agonizing minutes before I made it to my destination: the bathroom. Upon inspection in the mirror, I only felt more like shit. I was a wreck; might as well have just come back from the dead. Blood and the left over semen smeared over my chin and lips, and there was the shadow of bruising along my jaw and cheekbone from the rough grip he'd taken on my face. My hair was more tangled and mussed then even usual, plastered to my face in places from sweat, and tear tracks lined my cheeks. There was even more blood smears over my chest - that and nail marks and long scratches. I could make out several bite marks on my throat and shoulder, but otherwise most of the damage was….well sort of hidden.

The thought alone sent me to the toilet in the corner of the small room, retching so violently my body only ached further. The contents in the toilet were enough to make me want to vomit even _more_, but I already felt like I'd thrown up all my insides, so I was pretty sure I was incapable of letting anymore out. Cursing the very same gods I'd been praising not so long ago, I stood, flushing away the contents of my stomach (that I supposed I was more than happy to have thrown up seeing as some of it definitely shouldn't have been there) and forcing myself to stand again.

There was no time for a shower, no matter how badly I wanted one. Instead I just cleaned my face and chest to my best ability, muscles screaming in protest to such movements. Not another glance was spared to the mirror as I departed, walking as normally as I could. Last thing I needed was to be called out on by Mello for how weakly I was taking this. Yeah, not exactly part of the plan at the moment.

That plan? Forget any of this ever happened. Also, add permanent celibacy to the list. Drastic? Maybe. But I sure as hell wasn't going to have a repeat of that.

It took longer then it should have to finally get out of this place, due to the fact that I felt as If could collapse at any second. Actually, I wanted nothing more then to do that. To just lay down and sleep and leave this all behind me. Or curl up in a ball and cry until I couldn't anymore. Yes, I know that sounds like a really pansy-assed thing to do, but that was just how I felt. Maybe I was one of those people who cried after sex, because the tears just didn't want to stop. They had to though. I would not cry in front of Mello, I absolutely refused.

The fresh air felt nice against my heated skin. I took a deep breath, letting the cool air soothe my battered throat. Almost on reflex, I pulled a cigarette from my pocket, pressing it between my lips and lighting it with my other hand. The smoke that filled my lungs relaxed me, if only somewhat, which was the initial plan. I took a deep drag, holding it in just enough that I felt its affects, before exhaling skyward.

Sure enough, Mello was there, waiting beside the motorcycle again, apparently having already talked with Lund. Once he noticed me, he was quick to actually mount the bike, gesturing for me to do the same once more. Somehow I managed with little more then a hiss in pain when I moved the wrong way, linking my arms around the blonde's waist. I didn't cling though, didn't try and fit myself against him like I had on my way up. Something stopped me, I couldn't find the desire to. If it bothered Mello, he didn't show it, and the quiet purr of the motorcycle soon reached my ears.

I let my eyes close, blocking out the world around me, if just for the moment. Ch'yeah, the people who were always telling me to take my head out of my games and take a look at the real world needed to open their eyes themselves.

The real world sucked.

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**Let's play a game where you DON'T hate Matty for writing this chapter, eh? And leave lovely reviews instead. :'D  
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	6. Six: Mello

**A/N: And...we're back, hopefully to make up for things. Raven was so kind, and brilliant, to come up with a way to cover my ass for the last chapter. xD  
Disclaimer: We do not own Mello or Matt, unfortunately. Nor do we own Mr. Clean, thankfully on my part...I mean seriously that guy has always freaked me out. And we don't own Google either. FUCK we'd be rich if we did. :'D  
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I believe I can safely say this was the only time Matt had ever touched me where he didn't push my personal limits. There was no intimacy, no closeness like he usually tried to get. Tried and succeeded most of the time. I just couldn't bring myself to push the little bastard away.

I had seen the look on his face when he came outside. Though he tried to hide it, the distress he showed was quite obvious to anyone that knew him. And anyone that didn't know him, for that matter. Since his goggles were off all of his emotions were wide open for the world to see. Lack thereof, maybe, seeing as the look in his eyes had been...blank. Sure Matt was calm, but never _emotionless._ That was fuckin' Near's job.

It's a good thing I had thought to grab those goggles, because it seemed like he had forgotten all about them. And frankly that little fact scared me to death.

Matt never went without his goggles. They were a second skin to protect his thoughts from the world; a necessary part of his being.

And he had neglected them.

His arms around my waist were barely holding on. If I hadn't been so sure of his focus, I would be afraid he'd fall right off the back.

Wouldn't that be an experience to add to what he had just gone through?

The ride to my apartment was a long and quiet one. He didn't want to talk to me, I assumed, and I was more than willing to oblige for his comfort.

To keep my mind occupied, I let my thoughts drift back to the events preceding Matt's drop-off.

_There was no way I was about to sit here and watch the beginnings of my best friends molestation, no matter how close I had come to that myself a few hours ago. As soon as I thought it was deemed appropriate, I sped out of there without even a glance back to Matt; I was going to suffer the forlorn look I knew he'd have.  
I spent the next four hours working at the base. If I was going to have to be back around here in a few hours anyway, why waste the gas to go all the way back to the apartment?  
About an hour into my work I realized why the waste of gas wouldn't be such a waste after all. I was more than distracted here. Every time there was the slightest lapse in my thoughts, I could hear the disgusting grunts of Lund moving inside Matt, accompanied by the redheads screamed protests and insults. I could only imagine the pained expression on his innocent face, tears streaking down his cheeks as he begged for mercy…  
And now you understand why I'm distracted.  
When it was time to pick up Matt, I nearly jumped out of my seat. Luckily no one was around at the time to see my enthusiasm, which is exactly as I had wanted things.  
Lund was one of the most disgusting people on the planet. He had grabby hands, and he was always feeling around for something new to play with. I knew this, since he had taken me once before. I'm not exactly proud of that, but it was necessary to move up the ranks.  
Our conversation was short and to the point. We made our agreements for property transfer, and he arranged to have the proper men shot so I could continue my advance. If I didn't depend on this guy so much what he could offer me… He would be dead on the spot, believe me.  
He _will _be dead on the spot, I decided. Maybe not right away, but as soon as I didn't need him anymore. Anybody that could inflict that kind of damage on Matt was surely a monster, and he had absolutely no right to live._

Time must really fly when the mind is occupied. Before I knew it we were back in the apartment, sitting on the couch. Matt still refused to look at me; probably because he didn't have the goggles. By now he must have realized they were gone, because I could see the small panic in his eyes; fear almost. For a brief moment I considered that he might be afraid of me and that I would use him as the other man had…And then other further thought I decided against it. He knows better than to think something like that.

I reached in my jacket pocket and pulled out his goggles, turning them around in my hands as if inspecting them. His eyes widened considerably at the prospect of hiding himself behind them again, and his hand actually twitched in my direction.  
Normally I wouldn't let him off so easily. It was a rare chance to have his goggles in my possession, and I was loathe to hand them over without a fight.

Too bad he really wasn't up for that right now. The poor boy was just about having a spasm next to me. That was the only reason why I gave him back those goggles – which, by the way, he promptly pulled over his head and snapped over his eyes.  
This seemed to relax him, as I knew it would. Enough that he had the mind to pull out his GameBoy from his pocket and begin to play a game. I was sure he had beaten it before, but that didn't mean it would aid his calm down.

More than likely there wasn't a way for him to become more comfortable considering the circumstances. He had the three things he valued the most in life: nicotine, video games, and me. He was even curled up against my side, or as much as he could without being too uncomfortable.

My heart went out to him, it really did. I had been there before. I've had my fair share of rough nights with various guys in the operation. One wrong move would send my ass bleeding all over again. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. And in his case, it was also his first. I had to hope that it wouldn't ruin any chances I ever had with him.

…Why the fuck was I even thinking about that? We all knew I didn't settle for anybody. Sure, I would hook up with somebody for a night, and I've even been known to keep the same partner for as many as five months if they don't bore me. I didn't even much care who I was with anymore. Male, female, old, young; it didn't matter. I guess you say I was a sex addict.

Come to think of it, I probably was addicted.

But back to the point, I wasn't about to subject Matt to that. I wouldn't be able to stay faithful to him, and he deserved much better than that. Besides, I had to keep reminding myself I didn't want him. Any interest I had was strictly platonic.

Something told me neither of us would sleep much tonight. He probably couldn't even sleep after what happened unless I shoved sleeping pills down his throat. An idea that – now that I thought about it – wasn't such a bad one. I'd just slip it in his energy drink later.  
What an oxymoron… Hopefully that wouldn't have any strange side effects.

This was for my own good as well. As long as he couldn't sleep, I wouldn't be able to sleep. We'd probably just stay here on the couch, in exactly this same position, neither of us saying a word.

That was okay with me. I didn't want to move until he did, nor did I want to speak until he was comfortable. All things considered, that could be a while, but I was willing to wait. I had done this to him, and it was up to me to fix it. Maybe if he managed to fall asleep for a while I'd go out and replace some of those gaming consoles he'd been forced to leave at Wammy's. In comparison it wasn't much, but just maybe it would be enough to bring him out of his sulking.

How he had managed to go this long without a shower was beyond me. If I had been in his position (and I had, many times) a shower would have been the first thing I went after. It always had been the first thing I was after.

I guess I was wrong about not breaking the silence. How I hate to be wrong… "A shower would make you feel better." Especially a hot one to calm down and relax the muscles that I knew were aching.

"Hn. Yeah." He didn't even look up at me as he spoke. In fact, without pausing in his game at all he stood up – with a quite noticeable wince – and headed into the bathroom. On pure instinct, I followed him. We had seen each other naked plenty of times before, so it wouldn't really be an issue, right? It wasn't like I was going to try to force him into anything.

Sometime in his transit he must have found a good stopping point, because by the time we were actually in the bathroom, his GameBoy had been placed on the table just outside the door and his cigarette was put out. As if he didn't even know I was behind him, he began to undress himself. He pulled his shirt over his head and…

Fuck. My guilt increased tenfold. I could only see his back, but what I saw was enough to make me take a sharp intake of breath. His skin was _covered_ in scratches, bite marks, bruises, and blood. Maybe it was a good thing I had decided to help him shower. There was no way he'd be able to reach that by himself.

This was all assuming he let me anywhere near him after what had happened.

As each article of clothing was removed, my guilt continued to increase. He was in worse shape than I had imagined. Damn, it was like Lund had gone and decided to beat him up as well as...well. It hadn't even been that bad for me. Now, that was probably because there was so much less in me that was left to be broken, but I really think that's beside the point.

His goggles were still on, so I guess he did know I was there. He slid open the door of the shower and turned the water on much hotter than was necessary. I undressed myself slowly, being cautious not to move too quickly or startle him. The last thing we needed was for Matt to be afraid of me.

Once I had adjusted it to the proper temperature he moved to step inside. It was difficult to take hold of his arm and stop him, as I didn't want to hurt him, but he couldn't necessarily shower with his goggles on. I put my hands on either side of his face and began to lift them off of his eyes. He tensed up. Apparently he could – and would – take a shower with goggles. This would be an interesting experience.  
He stepped in the shower and I followed him. Suddenly, I felt that more than anything I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly against me. I wanted him to know that it was over; I wouldn't hurt him, nor would I ever let that happen to him again.  
Something told me he wouldn't take such contact lightly.

It was hard to watch him rub the soap into the washcloth. His hands were shaking, though whether it was from the mental or the physical pain I couldn't tell. It was probably both. He didn't protest when I took it away from him as I did a much better job of it myself. That was only to be expected.

By nature, I am not a gentle person with anyone, including Matt. I have always had a bad habit of elbowing him just a little too hard, or hurting him in another way. Today, though, was an exception. I couldn't think of a time where I ever touched someone so gently. I washed the blood off of his back, his chest, his arms, everywhere I could reach. By the time this was over, he would be the cleanest he had ever been in his life. As for the washcloth… I don't think Mr. Clean himself would be able to save it.

Lucky for me, he didn't protest as I cleaned him. Even when I reached more private areas of his body. He tensed up as expected, but he let me continue. Probably knew that it was better than trying to do it himself. He would only stretch those muscles and make himself even sorer. (Yes, 'sorer' is a word. I Googled it.)

I cleaned his body more times than I could count. After about the third time around it wasn't even necessary anymore, but I kept washing, knowing the motion soothed him.

As long as his back was facing me, I was allowed to take his goggles off long enough to wash his hair. I didn't know how he scrubbed it himself, but I made sure to make slow movements, massaging his scalp with my fingertips for – again – much longer than necessary.  
He gave a contented sigh as the water rolled over his head, rinsing away the shampoo. I continued to run my fingers through his hair, under the pretense that I was getting all the suds out. As soon as I finished, the goggles were placed right back over his eyes.  
Not a word was said the entire time.

I didn't know that fingers and toes could get this pruney; then again I had never taken an hour long shower before. The water was off, and I was drying off Matt's body just as gently as I had washed it. I knew this would help him, but I couldn't help but feel that there was nothing I could hope to do to make up for what I had put him through.

I even gave him a piece of my precious chocolate to help wipe the disgusting taste out of his mouth. Fuck that, I gave him an entire bar.

That is some serious love right there. Platonic love, remember.

I retrieved the pair of sweats and T-shirt I had worn to bed last night for him to wear, knowing he would appreciate the scent of them. He dressed himself in them, while I did the same to myself in the other room.  
Then it struck me. I was just in the shower, naked, for an entire hour, with another guy, and I hadn't even felt the urge to fuck him. Not for lack of said guy being attractive either. It's amazing what Matt can do to me.

I was barely dressed before he came back into my room, GameBoy in his hand. He must not have been in the middle of a game, because he didn't protest when I took it away from him and turned it off. We laid down next to each other under the blanket, and I put my arm around him when he nuzzled his face into my throat. And even with him pressed up against me now, I still lacked the desire to fuck him. Crazy, I fuckin' know.

I had the feeling neither of us would sleep much tonight, if at all, but at least I could try to make him comfortable.

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**Hope that made up for things? ^^;  
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	7. Seven: Matt

**A/N: Okay, so here's the last chapter from Matt's POV, 'cause it seemed you lot wanted it. Also, from here on out, this fic will be written by Matty. With Raven's input, but she's gotten rather busy to write herself.**

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"A shower would make you feel better."

I didn't look up as the silence between Mello and I was finally broken. I didn't ignore the blonde though, letting his words sink in. It did sound like a nice idea; really, really nice.

It surprised me a bit that I'd forgotten about that, sort of wondering how I was able to handle _not_ showering for so long. Now that I was thinking on it, I felt disgusting. My shirt was clinging to me from sweat and the places that were bleeding. Not to mention I was still leaking from the ass, that was a bit hard to ignore, and it couldn't have been just blood…

I repressed a shudder at this, deciding to take my focus away from…that and back to the situation at hand. "Hn. Yeah," Still I didn't look away from my game, that would be disaster. Even as I stood -which hurt like hell I might add- I proceeded to walk towards the bathroom with GameBoy in hand.

Believe it or not, there _was_ method to my madness. I had a very simple coping mechanism; play games until I couldn't anymore (which would never happen all considering), smoke enough that I could probably fill a bath tub with the tar that supposedly would collect in my lungs, and have someone trusted nearby. It had worked before when Mello left, and it was going to work now. What was even better was that I actually had Mello himself this time, so the coping would be easier. Or so I hoped…

I was going to stay optimistic though. I mean, sulking and dwelling on this little incident would get me nowhere. Everyone had bad moments in their life, right? What was a little thing like losing your virginity to some weird bastard? See, didn't even sound _so_ bad when you thought about it. 'Sides, I was sure Mello wouldn't appreciate any emo behavior to begin with.

Satisfied that I'd come to a checkpoint in my game, I turned off the GameBoy and set it aside. I took one last drag from my cigarette, before flicking the spent cancer stick into the garbage bin in the bathroom. I soon found myself peeling my shirt off, quite literally. The thin fabric had stuck in places where there were deeper bites or bloodier scratches. It was in irritating process, causing my skin to sting and smart. I refused to let my eyes stray behind me, at the mirror, having already seen what was there and not wanting to be reminded.

It was only when I heard a sort of gasp behind me that I realized Mello had apparently followed me into the bathroom. I didn't stop to hesitate in my actions, even with this little fact discovered. It was just Mello after all, he'd seen me in the nude more often than what probably should have been comfortable, and vice verse. So it wasn't like I had anything to hide, nor did I mind his presence. That in itself was soothing my frayed nerves, and I was sure he knew it.

Each article of my clothing was removed in a deliberate sort of manner, so that I could stay relaxed and ignore the pains and aches the actions gave. All the while I could feel Mello's eyes on me, making the desire to not let my agitation show grow all the more. It was only habit that I left my goggles on, seeing as he was in the room, not at all willing to display all my thoughts and feelings again. The steam from the heat off the water sort of fogged the plastic up slightly, but not badly enough that it was an irritation. Better that than taking them off after all.

Judging by the tingly, stinging feeling my hand got when I held it under the water, the temperature was a bit too hot. The thought didn't occur to me to fix this, because…I wanted to be clean. The hotter the water, the more I could get off, right? The steam felt nice in any case, hitting my face and chest and coating it with warmth. I hesitated to actually get in the shower, half wondering what Mello was up to.

From all my years of leaning to observe without using my eyes specifically, I could tell that Mello was moving behind me. Even if his actions weren't especially loud or anything. I didn't really turn to look at him, but I knew the purpose of his own more deliberate, careful movements was to not startle me. Hah, like I was some jumpy, nervous wreck.

…Look, I wasn't, okay? So I was on the edgy side, but I wasn't going to freak out of Mello moved too fast. I knew Mello, and I knew he did things fast and didn't take anything easy. I wasn't really sure whether I should be offended, or flattered that he'd seemed to slow down considerably now, and for my sake at that.

Wait…was he taking off his clothes? Yeah, I was a bit slow on the uptake, alright? But I'd like to see you be in perfect thinking condition at the moment in my position. It caught me a bit off guard anyway, as I chanced a glance over at him and confirmed my thought. He _was_ removing his clothes, in the careful fashion I had already noted before. I tensed, if fractionally, before willing myself to relax again. It wasn't a big deal, I mean…what was he going to do? It was _Mello_, he wouldn't do anything I wouldn't have wanted him to do. I could only assume it was an act of kindness, to help me shower.

Despite the fact that I felt a little twitch in my gut that I'd come to label my pride, I couldn't protest. There was no need. I could admit that it was more then likely for me to have difficulties cleaning myself without the problem of more aches and…well not getting as clean as was possible. Mello's help would be welcome, and I didn't even have to leave his presence. It was convenient.

Only when it seemed Mello had deemed the temperature safe, did I try and step inside. Only to be stopped by a hand on my arm, and have said hand move to my face to aid the other in pulling my goggles off. Immediately I tensed, shrinking away from Mello in protest. I absolutely did not want those removed. Oddity be damned, I would take a shower with those goggles if Mello was going to be in the shower too.

Thankfully, he gave no argument for once. Before he could really get the chance to protest anyway, I stepped into the shower. The water felt amazing on my tired muscles and smarting skin, and I couldn't help but breathe out an unheard sigh. I felt Mello behind me, not quite close enough to be touching, but not far enough away that it couldn't be potentially awkward.

Not that it _was_ awkward. Not in the least. Though, I'll admit I was a little discomforted by the lack of space. This shower seriously was not meant for two people, not even people thin as Mello and me. Not to mention those eyes never left me, even if I couldn't see them myself, I could tell they were there. Watching, studying, possibly scrutinizing…

Suddenly my hands were shaking, and I couldn't get a proper grip on the soap I was using to lather the cloth. There was an undeniable feeling of weighted dread in my gut. The sort of feeling you get when you think something bad might happen…or you were just paranoid as heck. Personally, I was leaning towards the latter because nothing bad was going to happen. Right?

Still I couldn't calm myself down again. My heart thudded uncomfortably in my chest and the dread would not go away. Instead it sort of coiled in my stomach, heavy and nasty, like a greasy ball of…well just plain grossness.

Yes I understand my brain isn't working right at the moment. It was my own thoughts though, so it shouldn't really matter. Unless…Mello really could read minds. I was sort of screwed in that case.

…Bad wording. I tensed just slightly further, maybe even noticeably, I don't know. I hoped not though, 'cos surely Mello's sharp eyes would pick it up. When he took both the soap, and cloth from me, I made no move to protest. Its not like I really could anyway, the words were a bit caught in my throat from the irrational panic that had welled up.

It was only through amazing amounts of will power that I didn't jump when his hand contacted with my skin. Several internal curses were laid upon myself as my body only tensed further, defying my mind's wishes. I _loved_ Mello touching me, always had. It was rare that I was offered any sort of touch from him that wasn't a nudge, or a shove, or getting elbowed or anything like that. So it was frickin' annoying as heck that my body was protesting _now._

I let my eyes close, willing my body into a state of relaxation. I tried to concentrate my mind away from Mello's hands, but the harder I tried, the more I focused on his touches. Amazingly enough, that seemed to work the opposite I thought it would. Every muscle seemed to relax again, and the dread from before slowly slipped away.

Geez…Mello's hands were like frickin' _magic._

He was being overly careful, I could tell. I knew Mello wasn't at all used to be so gentle, and this time I was actually pleased for his caution. It was such a simple thing to do, a seemingly small gesture of kindness, but with Mello…well no kindness was ever small. You wouldn't believe how much this meant to me, no matter how simple. It was unbelievably soothing, like Mello could cleanse me in more ways then the obvious.

Yeah, that was cheesy, I know. Again, sue me.

This went on for a while, in silence, and not once did the atmosphere about us grow awkward. It was only expected that I tensed up all over again when Mello had reached areas I'd rather have been left alone permanently, but all was well otherwise. I felt no need to speak, nor did Mello, so it worked. The cleaning didn't stop, even as we both knew I was pretty much spotless. I couldn't complain though, wouldn't complain. The ache was not even close to being relieved from my much abused body, but this was certainly helping some.

As my back was turned to him, I allowed my goggles to be tugged down to my neck. Those amazingly skilled hands of his set to work in my hair, which might have been better then even the gentle cleaning from just moments before. Okay, so that could be because I always had this thing about having my hair stroked or pet, but whatever. That didn't make the almost tender, but still sure, movements of his fingers any less pleasurable. Another sigh escaped my chest as the warm water fell over me more fully, Mello still running his fingers through my hair.

Much as I was enjoying this, it wasn't as if we could stay in here forever. As soon as the hair washing was over, I pulled my goggles right back into place. Exiting the shower was like…going from heaven back to earth again. Pathetic example, yes, but at the moment its all I've got. Without the warm water and closeness from before, I was strangely cold. And lacking the small quarters of said shower, vulnerable feeling. It was stupid, yes, but anxieties were quick to return when I had more room to think.

Even so, I still managed to stay fairly relaxed. Mello toweled me off with the same gentle, near tender air as when he'd been washing me. Still not a word passed between us, and I couldn't bring myself to fix that. There was no need. I was almost afraid that if by speaking…Mello would snap out of this rare mood of his. I cherished his sweeter moments, and I wasn't about to toss this up.

Maybe I should have been angrier with him though. Maybe I should have kicked his ass out of the bathroom and told him to leave me the heck alone. It was what he deserved, for springing such what he had on me, especially after I'd just gotten him back. But I wasn't an angry person by trade, especially not when it came to Mello. No matter how much I hated what had happened, I couldn't hate Mello. Couldn't even look badly at him because of it. He'd needed help, and I was available to help him. It was as simple as that. I'd always promised Mello that I would do anything for him, this was just a test of that loyalty I suppose.

And in any case, the blonde was apologetic. He'd given me his freaking chocolate, and being the chocolate whore he was, that was a lot more major then it sounded. Mello _was_ making it up to me, as he'd promised, just not in the way he'd originally meant. It wasn't as if I minded, I was more then thankful he hadn't tried that way to begin with. The last thing I wanted right now was more groping and a mouth on my skin and…well any sexual activity at all.

After all, sex was now a big NO on my list. Like those signs you saw with a cigarette in a circle with a slash across? Yeah, think that only…well I'll let you fill in the mental image.

I was left in peace for a few moments when Mello went to his room to change. Clothes were harder to get on then they were to get off, leaving plenty of opportunities for more aching then before, but I managed. The attire was considerably looser then even my normal baggy, and smelled strongly of Mello. Maybe he'd worn then already…not that I especially minded. It didn't strike me as odd or gross, but rather nice that he would think into how the scent of him might have comforted me further.

Retrieving my GameBoy and turning it on, I headed into Mello's room, assuming he was probably all dressed again himself. It wasn't like it really made a difference to me anyway, considering we'd just shared a shower naked.

It wasn't much of a surprise when the game system was tugged from my grip and set aside. My hands itched to have it back, needing something to do with all the negative emotion that was turning into raw fidgety agitation. Mello seemed to have other things in mind, as he gestured towards the bed, still not breaking our silence.

As we settled down, my thoughts stated roaming even more. I had safely tucked my face against his throat and collarbone, head under his chin, and the arm around me was definitely a comfort. My restless mood died down, shifting to my mind and leaving it whirring.

I found myself dwelling over our shower incident. Not once had Mello even suggested anything along the lines of sex, even when the space was especially lacking, and he had been working around more personal areas. The comfortable atmosphere that had been between us had very obviously been lacking the tension I would have figured to be there in such tight quarters, minus clothing. Back at Wammy's even, a sort of sexual tension had grown as we'd aged. Even sitting in bed together while studying was hard without hormones getting in the way of thoughts.

This all sort of made me question if my love for Mello was really love, or just a strong platonic affection. Its not as if I'd really know the difference anyway. Mello was the only person I'd ever really loved, whether platonic or no. Maybe it had been hormones at Wammy's, and just that. It could have been the same with anyone if I'd really paid attention.

As I listened to Mello's heart beat in the silence, felt his warm breath ghosting over my hair as a hand idly played with some of the lower strands, my doubt faded away. How could I even consider not loving Mello? It wasn't just friendship, not just a sort of family thing. It was much more then that, always had been, probably always would be. There was no other way to describe the rush of butterflies in my gut over the smallest actions, or the lurching of my heart, or that mind-boggling warmth I got around him. There wasn't a way around it, no way to deny it, no reason to deny it anyway.

I loved Mello, more than words would ever describe, no matter what he did to me. He was forgiven before he ever needed a reason to actually be. If I had to repeat recent events all over again, I would. Just for Mello. This had all been established long ago, before I could even really process the actual meaning of love.

The real question was….did Mello love me?


	8. Eight: Matt

**A/N: Uhm...no Mels this chapter. Just Matty-boy. However, just because I'm taking over the fic doesn't mean you won't get anymore chapters from Mello's POV...they just won't be as good as Raven's. ^^;;  
Thanks for all the reviews, you lot are really great~  
Disclaimer: We do NOT own Death Note thanks to some HORRIBLE twist of fate. The only thing we own is that Lund guy, and we don't want him. -pukes- You readers can beat him with a heavy stick. -pushes towards-**

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Mornings suck. Period.

Despite myself, I'd ended up falling asleep. It was hard not to, finally being back in Mello's arms after so long, and quite literally at that. He was so _warm _and I was more then happy to be engulfed by the chocolaty scent that was all Mello. It was easy to forget everything between the time Mello had left, and now. Like being back at Wammy's, only better because we didn't have to deal with Roger giving us looks.

Surprisingly I'd slept fairly well, without the annoying pains and yesterday's events worming their way into my mind. It was a nice change from the often sleepless nights I'd spent at Wammy's over the past four years.

No matter how nice the sleep though, mornings still sucked. I didn't even know it was _possible_ to hurt more, yet I did. My muscles screamed in protest as I rolled over, forcing myself into a sitting position. And that was nothing to the pain in my butt. Huh...I had to wonder if that particular part of me would ever be the same again. Sure as hell didn't feel like it now. Which sucked hard 'cause I kind of needed it to sit on and generally laze around. How could I be me if it hurt to do that?

State of my ass aside, I began to concentrate on waking up. The first thing that caught my attention was the fact that Mello...wasn't there. Instantly my heart sank, and panic welled up, while my mind worked on various reasons why Mello was no longer to be found in his bed. Nothing was logical, and I had to force myself into calm again. In other words, I grabbed my cigarettes from where they'd been left with my GameBoy and lit one of them. Things came together easier naturally, and I was able to convince myself into calm.

Mello wouldn't leave. He had no reason to, it would make no sense. It was stupid to have even considered panicking over the fact that he didn't happen to still be in bed when I woke up. Even so, I clambered out of the bed quick and painlessly as I could, snatching my GameBoy and leaving the empty room behind. Yeah, I was eager to be with Mello, okay? It wasn't that big a deal, his presence was just extremely...soothing. Without that, my nerves were on end.

Yeah, I have separation issues, okay?

I shook off the thought, yawning around my cigarette and looking round for Mello. Thankfully, he was perched on the couch, feet resting up on the table, eyes glued to the T.V before him. It looked as if he'd showered again, maybe because he hadn't really gotten the chance to clean _himself _last night, his hair slightly wet and sporting only a pair of sweats. I spared a glance at the T.V, quickly made the assumption it was the news, and then turned back to the blond. He didn't even look up at me, clearly very intent on what he was watching.

"Morning Mels," I yawned once again, stretching a bit, though my eyes still never left him. Still he didn't look to me, but he gave a slight nod in acknowledgment, patting a hand against the spot on the couch next to him in invitation. Of course I accepted, sitting down close to him, but not so much that we were touching. There were a few moments passed in silence sans the voices from the television, before Mello finally looked at me. His eyes gave me the once over, before they flicked back to the people on the screen.

"Still feeling like shit?" He questioned after another brief pause, running long fingers through his damp hair to brush it out of his eyes. My fingers itched to play in the golden locks themselves, but I refrained. Mello hadn't much appreciated that back at Wammy's. Then again, his hair was different now, choppier, not at all as neat. Suppose it went with his new look.

...That was a stupid question anyway. Of course I felt like shit, and probably was going to for the next couple days. Seeing as he proposed the question though, I figured there was a chance that it was possible he believed I could feel alright. "I feel just fine Mels," It wasn't lying, it was for a good cause after all. Like when Roger insisted on taking away my game consoles for an entire month because I kept bringing them to class and I'd given him everything BUT my GameBoy, which he'd forgotten I owned since I passed it up in favor of new models.

Another silence, Mello seemed to be lost in thought. "You need therapy,"

What...the heck? Where had that come from? I gave Mello an incredulous look, which he promptly ignored. Or didn't see...either way it when unacknowledged. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Isn't that what you people do when you're traumatized? Go to therapy?" I loved how he said 'you people', like he himself had never had a scarring experienced. Judging by Mello now compared to the Mels I was used to, he'd had scarring experiences to spare.

I huffed lightly, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. "I'm not traumatized Mels, I'll live without therapy," I flicked the ash off my cigarette into the old mint canister I carried around as a makeshift ash tray. His eyes were on me now, and the T.V had been switched off. It wasn't hard to meet his gaze, with my goggles to hide behind, and I raised a brow at him in question to his look.

"Right, which is why you were acting in such a strange manner last night Matt. Don't try and tell me you're fine when I know you aren't." So he had a good point there, sure I'd been acting off last night. But I wasn't now, was I? I was trying not to.

"I'm fine," I said firmly, taking a long drag from the cancer stick and glaring at the smoke that trailed out the end. I really didn't want to argue over this, I didn't ever want to talk about it again. I'd be happy if it was just all forgotten.

"You aren't. You wouldn't want to get fucked, would you? You're still in pain, I know as much. And I know you've got some psychological effects in that head of yours," With that he reached up and tapped my temple for emphasis. I swatted at his hand in annoyance, scowling just faintly. Well, it probably looked more like a grimace then anything. I didn't do so well with angry expressions for some reason.

"I'll admit I'm still sore, but I'm just fine in the head. Its not like I didn't see it coming, you did warn me," That was a bit of a stretch. Sure I'd known about the sex part, that didn't mean I knew how it would actually feel. That didn't matter though, it had happened and we couldn't go back. I wouldn't go back, because it had helped Mello out.

"I don't believe that," By the sound of his voice, that would be the end of the conversation. He wasn't going to waste his time arguing with me, and I was okay with that. Once more he leaned back, snapping off a chunk of chocolate in his trademark manner. I took an odd comfort in the familiar sound, one that had once annoyed the crap out of me. After going without it for years though, you learn to appreciate even the most irritating things.

The news was turned on once more, and Mello leaned back, still wordlessly. I turned my attention to the screen, not really paying full attention to the goings on they were discussing. Soon enough I found myself sucking air through the filter that was left of my cigarette, so the butt was discarded. I about reached for a new one, but decided that could wait until later. My body, though achy, was still exhausted, and my mind was rather agreeing. I wasn't sure how long I'd slept last night, but it seemed it wasn't enough to make up of four years of hardly any sleep at all.

Another yawn, and I leaned back on the couch, arranging my body so I could rest my head on Mello's lap. It wasn't an unfamiliar position, we often sat like this back at Wammy's. Despite that, the blond stiffened, eyes focused down on me once more. For just a second he looked surprised, and then mildly discomforted. He didn't shove me away, but continued to look down at me rather pointedly. I frowned, and arched a brow up at him expectantly.

A light, awkward cough escaped him, and he shifted just slightly. "You might want to know that laying like that might inspire reactions you aren't interested in," My frown only deepened with this, not sure what he was getting at.

"Wha-...oh. Oh! Crap sorry..." Apparently it didn't take that long for it to sink in, and when it hit me I was quick to jerk into a sitting position. My face was hot, and I knew I must have been blushing like crazy. "That's not what I...it wasn't like I..." I stumbled over the words, trying to explain that it wasn't my intention to...well yeah.

The bastard went and smirked at me, relaxing into the couch again. "That's what I thought,"

I glowered at him a moment, which was a bit stupid all considering it would have no effect with my goggles in the way. Huffing lightly, I looked away, willing my certainly vibrant blush to fade. "Shut it," I muttered, and it was supposed to come out all annoyed and threatening. Instead it sounded like I was pouting. Which I wasn't thank you.

"What's the blush for?"I felt his fingers brush under my chin, pushing up lightly so that I would look upwards again. That clever smirk still played over Mello's lips, only causing my situation to worsen. So I was an easy blusher, nothing wrong with that...

"I don't know. I don't control whether I blush or not," I bit my lip as he leaned in further, smirk gone, all serious now. I didn't know whether that was worse, or better then the unfairly sexy expression from before. A serious Mello was often a dangerous Mello, I'd learned.

"There has to be a reason. C'mon, tell me." Further still he leaned in, I felt his breath over my lips and suddenly I wasn't breathing in air so much as his normally inviting scent. I wasn't really panicking, that would be stupid. My body did stiffen though, and I leaned back, resting my arms behind me for balance.

"I was just embarrassed. That's all Mels," People blushed when they were embarrassed, right? And that had certainly been the case with me.

Mello seemed to be done with this topic, because he leaned in just that little bit more, brushing his lips over mine. It couldn't really be considered a kiss, but it sent a rush of heat through me, like a sort of spark had gone off with just the light touch. At the same time, I found myself tensing further, stomach beginning to tie itself into a tight knot.

"What's there to be nervous about Matt? Its just me," I didn't know if he was mocking me or not with all of this, but I did know I didn't appreciate it. I wouldn't push him away though, I wanted to prove a point. Obviously he still didn't believe I was fine, and this was meant as a test.

"Who said I was nervous? I'm not," My voice betrayed me, not coming out at all like I wanted. At least it didn't shake or crack though, I could be happy for that.

A scoffing noise came from him, though his expression remained serious, intent. "You were just acting nervous, pulling away and blushing," He pointed out with a slight shrug. His hand came up to tug my goggles out of their place, letting them drop around my neck. This only caused me to tense further, and my first reaction was to shut my eyes tightly. Dammit Mello, I needed those just where they were. Even as I leaned back, he was closer again, body almost touching mine. I felt his lips at my ear, hair tickling my face, and my breath hitched with the unwelcome position.

"You're scared, aren't you?"

Scared? Is that what he thought? Geez, he was acting like I just got raped out of the blue or something and was paranoid of it happening again. I wasn't _scared_.

"Prove it Matt," With these words, Mello pulled back slightly, just enough that I could feel his breath on my lips again, and not by my ear. "Kiss me back, show me you aren't afraid. Open your eyes and look at me, tell me." For once, there wasn't a real command in Mello's voice. It was almost an offer. Prove it to him, or prove to him that he was right, that was my choice.

That really wasn't a very good choice.

Sighing just lightly, I leaned in fractionally, forcing my eyes open. I met Mello's gaze head on, unflinching, studying the emotions written into the seemingly fathomless blue. "I'm not....not...I'm not afraid," Okay, total fail there. Even I could admit that. My voice wavered and stuttered and not even the most idiotic of people would believe me.

"Are you sure about that?" I wasn't given any time to answer, because as soon as the words left his lips, they were on mine again. It wasn't a light brush like last time, not even close. His mouth molded into mine, moving in a wickedly sinful fashion. I was even tenser then before, fingers digging into the cloth of the couch behind me. "I don't believe you," That was the only short pause, before he started the kissing once more, still not allowing me the chance to speak.

I couldn't deny it felt good, unbelievably so, but my body was rejecting every sweep of his tongue and brush of his teeth against my lips. It was impossible to enjoy it when the ghost of Lund's harsh touches lingered over my being, snaring it in a tense, untouchable manner.

My eyes closed tightly again in a knee-jerk reaction, and I tilted my face out of reach of the blonde, escaping his heated kiss. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, feeling my face heat with shame. So much for not letting him be right...

I didn't know whether to be relieved, or upset when he pulled away, settling back on his own side of the couch again. "You're a terrible liar when it comes to me, y'know that?" His statement wasn't confusing, it was just that. A simple statement. Once more that little spot labeled my pride made itself known, and a scowl pulled at my mouth. I wasn't _lying_, I was just...stretching the truth to avoid unneeded concerns.

"Not lying Mels. I'm not _scared_," That said, I stood up, moving so I was facing him again. My hands rested on his knees as I leaned in, keeping myself balanced. I hesitated for just a second, before pressing my lips firmly onto his, just as he had done to me. Tense as I was, I wasn't about to make the kiss anymore chaste then the one I'd received. For a second, I found myself not getting as much reaction as I normally would have. Mello sat there, barely moving his lips, most likely testing me further. Dammit.

It was just Mello though, right? This was easy, something I'd wanted to do for years. Something I'd gotten so much pleasure out of doing the night previously. It shouldn't be so hard now to just lean in a bit more, tilt my head, deepen the kiss...

All hesitation on Mello's part vanished almost immediately after I did so. Suddenly his hands were on my hips, holding them with a force that would probably darken the bruises already forced onto my skin. I gasped lightly at the shock that the action sent through my body, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth.

Anxiety hit then, stronger then before, and I found myself frozen to the spot. Mello didn't relent, grip harsher then necessary as he dove full force into the kiss. Actually, I wouldn't really call it a kiss anymore considering I went entirely unresponsive, panic stealing any control of my body. No, no, no...it was just Mello, it was okay, it had to be okay.

My body wasn't really in the mood to listen today apparently.

Finally I managed to jerk my head back, bringing my lips out of reach once more. I was panting, heart once again hitting against my rib cage with enough force that it felt as if it might just break out. I wriggled out of his grip, dropping on the couch next to him, eyes still closed tight. Mello, it seemed, wasn't having that. His hands were on my shoulders and mouth on mine before I even got the chance to grab another cigarette to help force relaxation back on myself.

My arms went behind me again, holding me up as he pressed up against me. I didn't want on my back, it wasn't as if I didn't feel vulnerable enough. It was Mello though, as I kept reminding myself. He wouldn't do anything.

Once more I turned my head away, pulling my lips out of reach. A light bout of cursing followed, breath still coming out in pants. "Mels," I said his name quietly, not as a plead, but more like a reminder. One he didn't seem to catch, as his lips met my neck. Or, rather his tongue and teeth met my neck, not enough to leave marks to join the others already there, but enough that I noticed the difference. It didn't hurt, yet my body wanted to reject it. No matter how much I was actually enjoying the feeling, I couldn't take it. I just tensed further, unable to repress images and feelings from the previous evening I never wanted to have to acknowledge again.

"Mello," It came out as more of a whine this time then I really wanted to. I received no response, so I pushed against his chest slightly. "Mello, _off."_ My face was still turned from his, but I could feel his eyes on me as he finally paused, pulling back to look at me. My bangs hid my own eyes from view, as I knew it probably wouldn't be a good idea to try and pull on my goggles again.

I felt his hand under my chin once more, pulling my face up almost gently to look at him. I forced my eyes open again, but this time I didn't meet his, instead watching the curve of his lips carefully for any sign of emotion. "Are you afraid of me?" His voice was low as he questioned me, a tone I hadn't heard him use before. It was flat, cold, completely devoid of anything in remote semblance to human life and feeling. It sent a chill down my spine, and a pang in my heart, a desperate desire for _my _Mello back running through me.

"No." We needed a better way to communicate. Voices were to personal, allowed room for misunderstandings. My voice wavered and shook again, small with fear that _wasn't there. _I was nowhere near my normal calm, and I couldn't help but grow all the more anxious with that thought. I needed that calm, that calm was me. It helped me deal with emotions I didn't want, couldn't handle. Mello was the only one who could ever break that calm, just as he was doing now. Panic hit me then as I realized just how vulnerable I was at the moment. There was no way to hide my thoughts, no way to control my emotions and find my calm again. All because of Mello.

It was amazing what the person you loved could do to you.

His body was pressing against mine once more, applying a rather harsh pressure to my abused abdomen. A grimace crossed my features, but I made no noise, biting into my lip instead. Mello's lips were not millimeters away, within kissing range if I just shifted slightly...

"Are you sure?"

Sure? Of course I was sure. Absolutely, completely, undeniably sure. I wasn't afraid, not of Mello. There was no reason.

What I wasn't sure of was what to do. Half of myself was yelling at me to move, to escape the situation, find my own personal bubble again and smoke until the panic was shot dead. It wanted out, and it wanted out badly. The other half coaxed me forward, had me wanting to kiss Mello until I saw stars, and my poor smoker's lungs were screaming for me to pause and take a breath. Obviously I could not meet both demands, so I met in the middle, staying completely still.

"Yeah...I'm sure," That's it. My body was rebelling against me, or something. Because with those three words...I sure as heck didn't sound sure, and Mello knew it.

"You aren't sure," His hand released my chin, but instead of leaving me in peace, it slipped under the hem of my shirt. My breath caught, stomach muscles tightening impossibly under his hand. Slightly calloused fingers traced over my skin, sending shudders of pleasure up my spine. Yet my body rejected every touch, every action, all the warmth and pleasure and feeling of Mello. I was squirming away from his touch, unable to handle it and the emotions that came with it. _No, no, no.._. "You're afraid of me,"

I kept my eyes open as his lips returned to my throat, now afraid of closing them. If they were closed, unwanted images would spring up on me again, leaving my nonexistent fear to turn into something more real. As long as my eyes were open, I could see Mello, know it was Mello, and be reminded that because it was Mello, nothing would happen. It would all be okay.

How did that trick work again? The one where you go completely limp, and everything would just work out okay? How the heck did that work when in a situation like this you couldn't make your body relax? It was impossible, how could _anyone_ do that? As my shirt slid higher, I tensed further, despite all attempts to pull the going limp trick. It just wouldn't work.

Instead I tried to ignore the situation, hoping that Mello would just give up. I sighed quietly, dropping my head back while still keeping Mello in my sight. My fingers stopped clawing into the couch behind me, and I almost seemed to relax. My thoughts trailed away, focusing on the only thing that tended to occupy my mind that wasn't Mello; video games. I wondered over how I would replace the consoles I'd ended up leaving at Wammy's, not to mention the games.

For a bit, that worked for me. It did not, on the other hand, seem to work for Mello. He'd never been one to appreciate being ignored, and the moment he figured out my trick, his hips thrust down against mine. That wasn't something that could easily be ignored, or ignored at all really. A noise forced its way from my throat that was half moan, half whimper, and all gay. As if I really needed something more to be taunted about.

"Mello, off." I repeated, thankfully in a more firm tone. Sure I was still a little breathless, but that was at least manageable. Again, he ignored this, pressing down again, still attacking my throat in that all too pleasurable manner.

"Why?" There was no curiosity in his tone, more or less a demand for an answer. I couldn't give him an answer though, had no real reason to explain my desire for this all to stop. I wanted it, I wouldn't even try to deny that. Still, I didn't want it, nauseating reminders of my first experience in this department swarming up and taking over.

"Just...get off Mels. _Please,"_ I was pleading with him now, I could admit that. I really didn't have much shame left, so why bother trying to get around it? I wanted him off, more then I actually wanted _him._ Much as I hated to admit that. It wasn't fair, not in the least.

I felt both empty and relieved when he finally pulled off, retrieving his abandoned chocolate. I scrambled into a sitting position, tugging my shirt down properly. A cigarette was lit and at my lips in record time, and a sighed in bliss at the feeling of the smoke once again filling my lungs.

"You still have to tell me why," Mello reminded, snapping off another chunk of chocolate without looking away from me. I hesitated, still unsure how to answer, not even sure I _could _answer. Only a few moments passed in silence, before something like a sigh escaped Mello. "Its because you're afraid. I know that you are. Flashbacks from yesterday possibly..." He trailed off in an uncharacteristic manner, falling into thought. "Do you think I'd do that to you?"

"No!" I protested on instant, shaking my head fiercely, ash spilling from the end of my smoke and onto the couch. "Of course not Mels, I don't think that. Its just..."

"Don't make excuses Matt, I got it." His tone was stiff, and I half wondered if my rejection hit him harder then I'd meant. The thought was quickly shaken off though. It couldn't be the case. This was Mello, and he'd been trying to prove a point anyhow. Another long moment passed, in silence again as we each obliged to our addictions. I must have been on my fifth or sixth cigarette before Mello stood, tossing the crumpled chocolate wrapper into a nearby trash bin. I watched him anxiously, praying silently that he wasn't really angry with me.

"What are you doing?"

He made a scoffing noise, heading towards the room we'd occupied the night before. "I've got to go back to work dumb ass. I can't hang around here and play baby sitter all day. I've got even more things on my hands now," I rolled my eyes at the demeaning comments, turning my attention to my neglected GameBoy again.

"And what am I supposed to do?" I wasn't sure I had enough games to last me for every time he went to work, and I didn't want to be left with nothing. It wouldn't be so bad to actually having something to do to help.

"You get to stay home and play housewife," I could hear him clearly, even though he was now in the bedroom, probably changing. The words sent another rush of heat to my face, and I actually scowled. There was probably a smirk on my face, and what I wouldn't give to wipe it right off....

Not that I would. Mello's smirk was usually the closest he got to a smile, and I cherished it just as much as any grin or laugh. But you get the point.

"Jerk," I muttered when he finally reappeared from the bedroom. He was all in leather once again, keys to his motorcycle clutched in his right hand. A smirk really did cross his face as he came over and ruffled my hair in a teasing fashion. I leaned into the touch while it was there, which really wasn't that long as he was moving for the door within seconds.

"Bitch," Was his response to my attempt at in insult. I turned to face him, sticking my tongue out in a childish fashion.

"Love you too Mels," My tone was sarcastic, at ease, now that I was able to keep my more important emotions to myself again. That, my friends, is the power of nicotine. Amazing stuff I tell you.

"Don't I know it," The tone he used was equally sarcastic, and he offered a taunting wink before slipping out of the apartment. I was relived that it seemed his bad mood from before had vanished, meaning the situation could be put behind us. I couldn't help but roll my eyes again, even if he wasn't there, as I settled back down and turned my eyes to the screen of my GameBoy once again.

Hah, if only he knew how serious my comment actually was.


	9. Nine: Mello

**A/N: Its been....so long. We're so sorry. Both of us. D: Raven's just been busy with college/work and I...well I'm trying to survive high school here. Not to mention all the new games....Yeah. Uhm, I'm gonna tell you again that this is MATTY writing. Not RAVEN, so if the Mello-style has changed...that would be why. I hope it's not too drastic. :/ **

* * *

I'd never been one for sleeping in. Not as a young kid, not at Wammy's, and definitely not now. It was out of habit that I dragged myself out of bed even though Matt was still fast asleep. For just a second, when I'd just woken up with him held firmly to my chest, things seemed...right for once. Like they should be, and hadn't been for years.

...Then I shook of the thought as early morning/Matt induced bull shit and didn't dwell on it again. Wasn't worth my time or thought.

I killed a few hours lazying on the couch with the news on, but volume down low. Of course, I wasn't doing _nothing_, rather I had the lap top I'd acquired a while ago out and running. Now, I wasn't an idiot when it came to technology, I knew my way around it, but I'd never been especially skilled. A few simple hacks here and there, but nothing extravagant, unfortunately. Still, the computer aided me when it came to communication and research, which was what I was after at the moment.

Believe it or not, said research wasn't for work purposes. I had other things on mind, specifically a particular redhead sleeping in the other room. I felt a bit stupid, looking into this sort of thing. That being the after effects of...rape. Yeah, technically it wasn't rape, 'cos I had warned him, and he'd known what was coming, if remotely. Nevertheless, he was pretty shaken up about it, and I couldn't have that. I wanted to be able to help, and the easiest way to see how...was to look it up.

The Internet was severely unhelpful.

Growling lowly in frustration, I snapped the lap top shut and pushed it aside. It wasn't long that I remained on the couch, standing and pacing towards the bathroom. A shower sounded good, all considering I hadn't paid much thought to my own hygiene the night before, much too focused on Matt. See, there was where the kid was dangerous. He took too much of my mind up when he was around and it was impossible to focus on anything _but_ him. My point is being proven right now, see? I swear he's got something funny going on in that head of his, along with the mind reading. Mind control or something'...

I could really use some chocolate. Best form of energy out there, has caffeine and everything. I know people say there isn't, but they have to be lying. The shit does wonders I tell you.

Shower, chocolate, then I'd probably watch the news...wasn't the most reliable source of information, but it would do until Matt woke up and I could leave again. I had the feeling he wouldn't take my leaving beforehand very well. Last thing I needed was for him to be stressed over nothing. Which is exactly what would happen if I just got up and left. Heh, he really seemed to fit the bill of a housewife...

Aside from the fact that we most certainly were not married, nor did I hold any desire to be in that sort of situation with him...

Ah, a shower, that was right.

It was a while after my shower that Matt finally showed his face. "Morning Mels," I didn't turn to face him, but that didn't mean I didn't see him. I'd learned the trick to watching people without them knowing you were watching. Instead I kept focused on the screen before me with such intensity that it probably could have fooled Matt, specially a sleepy, not quite awake Matt.

I was struck with a mental image of the redhead from Wammy's, barely nine, but still endearingly adorable. Especially bedraggled and sleepy faced, a yawn at his lips as he clung to my arm, allowing me to drag him down the halls. The innocent Matt, untouched as far as I knew, loving and trusting and not yet corrupted because of me...

This was shaken off quickly, before guilt would even dare hit. Silently, I nodded, patting the spot next to me to invite him over. Just as expected, he settled next to me. Not up against me like he normally would have, but there at least. A moment passed, before I finally turned to look at him more fully. He definitely wasn't the nine year old I'd just been picturing, but he had that same sleepy look. His hair was more of a mess then usual, and the t-shirt I'd lent him hung off his shoulder just slightly, displaying not only a pale stretch of skin, but a nasty looking bruise. I turned my gaze back to the T.V to avoid this sight, cursing the disgusting bastard who dared physically mar Matt without remorse.

"Still feeling like shit?" I couldn't help but ask, though not without another pause. I didn't want him thinking I was completely, overly concerned or whatever. I sure as hell wasn't.

He gave a pause of his own, leaving me to wonder what was on his mind. No doubt he was coming up with some sort of answer that would downplay how he really felt. "I feel just fine Mels," Although, I didn't quite expect him to outright lie. There was no way he was feeling fine, not after how he'd acted last night. Matt wasn't one to just get over things, he obviously hadn't gotten over me in those four years of our separation. I knew for a fact that whatever fate he'd suffered before Wammy's held tight to him for years after he'd taken residence at the orphanage, because I was the one consoling him after nightmares and the like.

My thoughts wandered again, right back to my earlier research. Maybe it was denial? That's how he liked to handle things, pretend they hadn't happened, go into his little game world. He'd never heal that way though. "You need therapy."

I caught the incredulous look given to me out of the corner of my eye, but I gave no sign that I'd seen it. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Isn't that what you people do when you're traumatized? Go to therapy?" A huff was given to this, along with the expected eye roll and a head shake.

"I'm not traumatized Mel, I'll live without therapy." I flipped off the T.V, turning to face him again, studying. He looked up, meeting my eyes, though I was sure he wouldn't have done it if not for those fucking goggles. Damn how I hated those things...

"Right, which is why you were acting in such a strange manner last night Matt. Don't try and tell me you're fine when I know you aren't." I wasn't going to take lies from Matt after all, especially not about his well being. He'd _never_ taken care of himself as he should, and I was sure that had only been worse when I wasn't around to make him.

"I'm fine," He repeated firmly, taking a long drag from his cancer stick.

"You aren't," I had to argue, it was in my nature. Not to mention I knew I was right. "You wouldn't want to get fucked, would you? You're still in pain, I know as much. And I know you've got some psychological effects in that head of yours," He swatted at my hand when I reached up to tap his temple, grimacing. I was sure he'd been trying to scowl or something, he'd never done well with angry expressions.

"I'll admit I'm still sore, but I'm just fine in the head. Its not like I didn't see it coming, you did warn me," There was no accusation in his tone, or anger, or regret or anything. I wasn't sure if that should have pleased me, or worried me. Because, most people would have been pissed, yet I'd not even detected a hint of bitterness over the situation from Matt. Not directly towards me anyway.

"I don't believe that," My tone was final, I wouldn't argue any farther. Matt was stubborn, but I wouldn't give him the chance to put more guilt in me. Not that I think he did it on purpose, that just wasn't a thing he would do. Snapping of a chunk of chocolate, I leaned into flip on the news again, before leaning back in silence. Matt made no comment, smoking away silently, probably spacing out like his usual.

Course, it wasn't too long before he was invading the personal space bubble of mine that seemed to stop existing around him. Only, this was considerably more awkward then his usual, head actually resting in my lap while the rest of him was sprawled over the couch. I stiffened automatically, staring down at him pointedly. A frown touched his lips, one eyebrow raising again.

I shifted, clearing my throat awkwardly. "You might want to know that laying like that might inspire reactions you aren't interested in," For a moment, I thought I was going to have to be more blatant. How could he still be so...?

"Wha-...oh. Oh! Crap sorry..."A vibrant blush sunk in as he stuttered over his words, when apparently mine had sunk in. "That's not what I...it wasn't like I..." Heh, this was actually sort of amusing.

I smirked, just relaxing back again. "That's what I thought."

Another huff escaped him, and I saw him look away. "Shut it," His voice was pouty, a fail attempt at anger...again. I bit back a chuckle, instead leaning over to hold my fingers under his chin, lifting it so I he would look up at me.

"Whats the blush for?"

"I don't know. I don't control whether I blush or not," He bit down on his lip when I leaned in further, all seriousness now. I knew the look drove most people crazy and Matt...well he had a thing for me didn't he? Had sure seemed like it the other night. I didn't know why I was doing it really, he was in no position for a fuck, yet I pressed on, drinking in his reactions.

"That's not a reason. C'mon, tell me." I was close enough now that if he really wanted, it wouldn't have taken much to lean in and join our lips. Apparently he didn't, as he leaned back, supporting himself with his arms. That surprised me, normally my closeness was more then welcome. Then again he had...

No, I wasn't thinking about that now. Or ever really, that worked.

"I was just embarrassed. That's all Mels."

Yeah, I believed that. Definitely.

I once more dropped the argument, instead leaning in to brush my lips over his. Despite the briefness of the touch, the feeling of his soft lips caught on mine, and there was an instantaneous craving for more. One that went ignored. "What's there to be nervous about Matt? Its just me," I questioned in reference to his very obvious tension.

"Who said I was nervous? I'm not," That's what he said anyway, his voice didn't agree. It didn't crack, but it didn't come out firm, the sort of voice he used when he was trying to lie to me about studying or something. I scoffed, though kept a serious face, utterly intent on him, and my task. Whatever that happened to be.

"You were just acting nervous, pulling away and blushing," I argued, shrugging. I tugged his goggles out of place, letting them fall around his neck. They were only in my way after all, though he was not at all pleased with this decision. His tension increased, eyes shutting and blocking me out just as the goggles had. When he leaned back, I only leaned in to meet him again, not quite allowing our bodies to touch all the while. I let my lips brush his hair, smirking to myself when his breath caught. "You're scared, aren't you?"

That would explain the tension, nervousness, all of it. And it was to be expected, so there was no offense to be taken. Although I couldn't help but be faintly annoyed that Matt didn't trust me more.

"Prove it Matt," I pulled back, away from his ear, but lingering by his face again. "Kiss me back, show me you aren't afraid. Open your eyes and look at me, tell me." Commanding him wouldn't do any good, because it wouldn't be real. I forced the order out of my voice, leaving him with the choice. Let me be right, like I knew I was, or give proving me wrong a shot.

And we both knew how this would turn out no matter what he chose.

A sigh escaped him, but he leaned in, opening his eyes and actually meeting my gaze. I was surprised, and pleased, but let neither show. I'd forgotten how much I'd missed those eyes...yet they weren't right. They lacked their normal carefree luster, their playful glow. Serious, and dark, and....It was all I could do not to close my own eyes to escape all the emotion written in his.

"I'm not...not...I'm not afraid." This time his voice wavered, and stuttered, and it was impossible to believe him even if I was hoping he was right. Which, I wasn't. I liked being right, knew I was. And this was just in my favor.

"Are you sure about that?" He wasn't given any time to answer, as immediately after I'd finished speaking, I latched my lips onto his. I made sure to pour my best into that kiss, a kiss that I could very easily say melted minds. Usually. Only Matt seemed to tense impossibly further, and I caught his fingers digging into the couch behind him. "I don't believe you," I murmured against his lips, before kissing him again without allowing him his own time to respond.

No matter what I did, the tension refused to leave his thin frame. In fact, with every new action taken, no matter what, he seemed to get even tenser. Or at least, he seemed less and less likely to respond. It wasn't as long as I would have liked before he tilted his head, pulling his lips out of reach. A heavy breath escaped him, and I watched another touch of color run over his cheeks. One of shame I presumed this time.

Ah. So I was happened to the sweetness of victory?

There was none this time apparently. Having no need to push him further, I leaned back onto my own side of the couch again. "You're a terrible liar when it comes to me, y'know that?" It wasn't accusing, at least not meant to be. I was just stating facts as they were.

"Not lying Mels. I'm not _scared_," Matt seemed to have pulled up some boldness from his reserves, as he stood, hands resting on my knees. There was only a seconds hesitation, before his lips hit mine. Bold indeed, the kiss was tense, yes, but he didn't' hold back. Not much anyhow. I gave no reaction though, partly to annoy him, and partly to coax more out of him. More I knew he had.

It seemed to work. His head tilted just slightly, deepening our kiss, chest so close that with every breath it brushed against mine...

Before I could even think on it, my hands found his hips, holding them tightly without much consideration for the bruises that were already etched into the skin there. A gasp escaped him, and I took this moment to force my tongue into his mouth. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of Matt, taste, smell, feel...

And Matt himself was frozen to the spot. This seemed to give me back my grip on reality, though I didn't pause in my actions. Rather I threw myself into the kiss, teasing his lips into response again. None came though, he seemed to have hit full panic mode. Not a sound, or a movement; I was pretty sure he was holding his breath again.

Sometime into this, he managed to jerk his head back, pulling his lips out of my reach again. Heavy pants fell from him, and he wriggled away, dropping back to the couch next to me. This was a much different reaction then with our kiss from just last night, his whole body still tense and eyes closed tight. This wasn't at all satisfying, and I had my hands on his shoulders, kissing him again before he could do anything else. The tension, anxiety, whatever it was...I didn't like it. I wanted it gone. I wanted Matt to be able to handle all of me again, physical contact included. I wasn't about to let him hide away from real contact forever.

It also didn't help much that I'd already gotten really into this, meaning I was intending on having it.

His arms behind him prevented me from getting him on his back without applying too much force. Curses escaped him when he, again, tore his lips away from mine, turning them out of reach. "Mel," He panted out, quietly, not pleading, just sort of there. I ignored it, bringing my lips to play across his neck, since it was no exposed to me. Actually, it was more tongue and teeth then lips, teasing the skin, but careful not to actually mark it. That wouldn't be taken well, I knew. He'd been bitten and the like enough without me to add to it. No matter how much I'd _like_ to mark him more fully as mine.

...I forced the thought away, mentally cursing myself again. I cared about Matt, there was no denying that. Cared about him more then I'd ever cared, and probably would ever care, about anyone else. But that was all...platonic. We were close, like family, comfortable. That was all. It just so happened that there was a mutual interest when it came to not so platonic things. Didn't mean anything.

"Mello," This time, it sounded like a whine. Matt's hand actually came up to push at my chest, if only lightly. It went ignored, naturally, more caught up in the task at hand. "Mello, _off."_ This time I did pull back, watching him. His bangs hid his eyes from my view, as did the fact that his face was still turned slightly to the side. The bruising on his jaw was darker now, a dark line of purple along the pale skin. It sent a pang in my heart which, of course, went ignored.

I pulled his chin up once more in a much more gentle air then previously. He seemed to struggle to open his eyes, though when he did he didn't look directly at me. No, his eyes were focused...on my lips. "Are you afraid of me?" I asked lowly, the sort of voice I used to talk to my men when I wasn't screaming at them for some fuck up. A voice I'd worked on during our separation, one I wouldn't normally use on Matt. I figured it, if anything, would jerk a reaction out of him. That he'd react like a normal person, and start crying and letting it all out or something...That's what most people would do right? Not this. Not acting like nothing had happened. It wasn't right. It was making me feel worse. To know that it had affected him so much he was avoiding my contact. _Me._

"No." With just the syllable, his voice shook again, quiet with...fear? I knew I kept asking him he was afraid, telling him I didn't believe him when he said he wasn't. But to hear it, right there, so blatant...It was all I could do not to quit the act and hold him close. I wanted it to be like at Wammy's again, to be able to comfort him without the nasty guilt that reminded me that it was I who had caused him the pain. It was bad, I knew it was. Matt, who was so calm, so at ease, was shaken and tense, and it was my fault. It was always my fault, always me that ripped that calm away, whether it was good or bad.

The guilt would kill me if I let it back out though. I needed to know. Needed to know if he was really afraid of me, or if it was just because of what had happened. Surely...surely he still trusted me. It wasn't like him to just drop loyalty and faith so quickly. Dogs didn't, know matter how much harm their masters brought them. Once more, there was a round of mental cursing, this time at the poor comparison. I pressed my body against his again, harshly, bringing my lips close to his again.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah...I'm sure,"

He sure as hell did not sound sure. It made my heart lurch in my chest, uncomfortably so. I forced the feeling back, just like all the others. I wasn't guilty, couldn't be. He'd agreed to it. It was his own fault, I hadn't forced him. He'd have to learn to deal. He couldn't go without physical contact of the real sort forever. He would deal, I'd make sure of it.

"You aren't sure," I countered, letting go of his chin and instead bringing my hand under the hem of his shirt. There was a sharp intake of breath in response to this, stomach tensing up. I allowed my fingers to trail over the smooth skin I found there, feeling him shiver beneath me. It was impossible to figure out how to take that. As rejection to my actions, or pleasure. I wasn't looking for rejection here, rather the opposite. I wanted to remind him it was good, or at least force him to see. "You're afraid of me," I stated anyway, leaning into to push my lips against his throat again. His eyes were open, a surprise if anything. Whether it was out of trust, or out of distrust was a loss to me.

Maybe it was trust, because at the moment, he relaxed. His head dropped back, enough to give me better access to his throat. I would have been pleased, if not for the fact that after a moment, he seemed _too _relaxed. Yesterday he'd been more then willing to return the kisses and caresses, now he wasn't doing...anything. Not a noise, or a change in facial expression, or movement. It was almost like...

He'd zoned out. Typical Matt move. If he didn't want to deal with something, it stopped existing.

I'd show him to ignore me.

My hips thrust down against his none too lightly, which seemed to work. The most satisfying noise escaped him, and I couldn't help but smirk. What I wouldn't give to have the chance to really fuck him...If only he'd calm down about last night and take into consideration that not all sex is bad.

"Mello, off." Matt's tone was much firmer this time around, but still not enough that I'd actually move. Since when had I listened to him anyway? No, it suited me better to press down into him more, continuing my ravishing of his already abused throat.

"Why?" I demanded, without lifting my head. I knew he would answer, he had to. It wasn't often Matt defied me, not the little things anyhow.

"Just...get off Mels. _Please,"_ This time he really did plead with me, and the guilt was back with a quick stab. This wasn't just a game, this was serious business, and it was effecting him badly...and it was my fault. Again.

It didn't take more then that to get me to pull away, grabbing my chocolate again. I knew before he even did it the order of his actions. Sit up, shirt, cigarette, game.

Sure enough, he was sitting, shirt proper, with a cigarette lit with a speed you wouldn't have thought the lazy gamer capable of outside of gaming itself. "You still have to tell me why," I snapped off another chunk of chocolate, watching him all the while. The hesitation was clear on his face, though I don't think he was trying to hide it. I didn't let the silence stretch on all that long, before sighing. After all, I knew the answer even if he himself wouldn't admit it. "Its because you're afraid. I know that you are. Flashbacks from yesterday possibly..." Much as I hated the uncertain impression trailing off gave, I found myself doing exactly that. I wasn't sure what else to say, finding myself falling into thought. I'd already considered the fact that maybe Matt had lost some of his faith in me...but did he really think I'd do something like that to him? That I'd really hurt him? The only person I'd ever not been able to hit, or even touch at all in a negative manner on purpose? "Do you think I'd do that to you?" I questioned before I could bite it back, trying to keep the strain out of my voice. I didn't want Matt to think that, ever.

"No!" Matt shook his head so fervently that ash toppled off the end of his cigarette. Somehow this didn't reassure me, and the feelings this time were impossible to force back. "Of course not Mels, I don't think that. Its just..."

"Don't make excuses Matt, I got it." My voice was stiffer then I'd meant it to be, but that couldn't be helped. He didn't want me, that was my fault. He didn't trust me, that too was my fault. There was a possibility that he was fearing the same thing out of me that he'd gotten from Lund...still my fault. I was a selfish bastard, I knew that. Never before though, no one before, had made me regret that, or any of my decisions. Yet here Matt was, turning my world upside down and inside out again, just as he'd done at Wammy's.

I figured it was time to get ready to go by the time I'd finished my chocolate. The wrapper was tossed into the trash as I stood. I was followed by a, "What are you doing?" when I made for my room. I scoffed in response, giving an unseen eye roll.

"I've got to go back to work dumb ass. I can't hang around here and play baby sitter all day. I've got even more things on my hands now." Yeah, thanks to my recent promotion. So close to the top now, it would only take another careful push...

"And what am I supposed to do?" That seemed like a stupid question. He had his GameBoy, didn't he? Then again, he might have been talking about over all, if I was going to be leaving for work and he was going to be left. At least he was smart enough to pick up on the fact that I sure as hell wasn't bringing him along with me. He'd seen more then enough of my life, I wasn't about to expose him to more. Especially the parts that actually involved me.

"You get to stay home and play housewife," I called form the bedroom, recalling my thoughts from the morning. The smirk was impossible to keep off my face, or my tone for that matter. I chuckled to myself as I changed into my normal leather, tracking down the keys to my bike before heading back out.

"Jerk," Another smirk took place of the smirk, and I couldn't resist going over to ruffle his hair. Just like I used to, because I knew he enjoyed it. Sure enough, he was leaning into my hand until I took it away again in favor of heading for the door.

"Bitch," I returned, to have him face me and stick his tongue out in an admittedly adorable fashion.

Why, oh why did God decide to make Matt so damn cute? It was very, very unfair. Why make sodomy a sin if you were gonna create people like him?

"Love you too Mels," The tone he used was sarcastic, yet the words...I shrugged them off before they could do any more damage then making my heart flip in my chest, pleasantly this time. It was the classic retort to an insult, it didn't' really mean anything. I was just happy Matt seemed so at ease again. Maybe that nicotine stuff was worth a shot.

"Don't I know it," I found myself responding in an equally sarcastic tone, winking, before slipping out the door. Work would be good I think, it would certainly help put my mind back together the way I'd set it up after leaving Matt.

Maybe upside down and inside out wasn't so bad.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________**ANOTHER reason Raven is better. she's not fail at endings. xD Ehm...next chapter will be up a lot sooner, I swear.  
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	10. Ten: Matt

**A/N: HAPPY HALLOWEEN PEOPLE OF FANFICTION NET. ^^ Annnnd a very happy birthday to L. GUESS WHAT? WE UPDATED SOONER THIS TIME. xD I had the day off yesterday, so I spent most of the time sleeping, and then having issues over this chapter. I actually have the rest of the fic planned out, but this part was the hardest to...write out because I knew what I wanted, just not how I wanted it to come, y'know? -shot'd- Anyway, enjoy...and Mello's POV shall come later today, I swear it.  
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Mello is a bitch.

Mello was a _really _sexy bitch.

Scratch that. Mello could be the frickin' god of sex. A mean, torturous god. It wasn't fair.

At the moment, said sex god had just exited the bathroom in a warm billow of steam. Meaning, he wore nothing but a towel, and the rosary he never seemed to remove. Which meant he was practically naked, and wet, and...

My poor, hormone effected brain couldn't take it. I mean, no matter what happened, I was still a teenage guy. And teenage guys...well hormones were unavoidable. Specially when you lived with someone like Mello. I was completely fixated on him, taking in every inch of his muscled, gorgeous self with wide eyes and a dry mouth. He knew he was torturing me. He _knew._

To my embarrassment, he looked over while I was still practically drooling over him. I was hoping he'd just pass it off, since he was probably used to being looked at as such. No luck.

"See something you like, Matty?" His eyes glinted with mirth, that smirk of his firm in place. I could have sworn my head spun with the force of my blush, as I quickly jerked my head back in the direction of the television screen.

"You wish," Classic come back, that had to count for something. Or...nothing because it was overused. Whatever. You try and think with Mello being his unfairly sexy self just feet away. For once, I fumbled to get a grasp on catching up in my game again, and could only pray he didn't notice. No doubt he probably had anyway, as I heard a light chuckle from behind me.

This is all just one week into my new stay with Mello. Something told me this was going to be a lot harder to handle then at Wammy's...

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Boy how right I'd been with that thought. It had been a little over a couple months now, and I was getting driven frickin' insane. By my own hormones, which Mello so successfully provoked.

The natural craving for sex had slowly been winning over my aversion to it lately. Sure I wasn't completely over things, because I wasn't sure how I'd react to the situation itself. Nevertheless, I was stuck focusing more on how I wanted sex, as opposed to how much I hated it, and living with Mello had gotten...difficult.

I'll say it again, it isn't fair.

With every week that passed, he'd seemed to have gotten even more bold. Not that Mello wasn't a bold person to begin with, I had the feeling he was just working me into...whatever it was he was working me into. Not so subtle innuendos were dropped, the teasing heightened beyond the levels it had reached back at Wammy's, and the touching...

Mello had never been a touchy person when it came to me. Sure he didn't protest to my constant need to be touching him in some way. And yeah he occasionally slunk an arm around me in turn, or ruffled my hair, or _something_. Never though, did he encourage me, or initiate more then the regular contact on his own.

Not until now anyway. It was like he went out of his way to brush against me or something of the like. He'd stroke my face under the pretense of brushing hair from my eyes, sling an arm over my shoulder while I was trying to focus on my gaming, sprawl over the couch with his head on my lap, lean unnecessarily close if we were speaking...all of it. A few times already he'd tricked me into a kiss, and then leave it like nothing abnormal had just happened.

It was freaking killing me here. If there really was that God Mello believed in, I'd like to know what the hell I'd done wrong. Would it even help if I said I was sorry for inappropriate thoughts towards Mello? I mean, it wasn't really my fault.

'Sides, by the looks of things, I wasn't the only one having inappropriate thoughts, and I was pretty sure _Mello _wasn't getting tortured. Why did he have to go and make things so difficult? Why couldn't he go get off on some other guy?

....On second thought, the idea made me ill. It. Wasn't. Fair. Why did I have to _love_ Mello? Why was it so hard to give him what he wanted? It would be enjoyable, wouldn't it? From the amount of pleasure I got out of the little things, it _had _to be an amazing experience to actually take the next step. So why not?

Alright, I really needed to stop asking myself questions I didn't have the answers to. I loved Mello much more then should be allowed. I didn't want to give into him because I didn't want empty sex. I wanted it to mean something more to him then getting an easy release. End of story.

If only it were so easy to actually handle as it was to think it through.

I was done thinking right now. Every time, my thoughts always trailed to the same thing. The very topic they were focused on right now. I needed something to do, that would keep me more fully occupied then even my games could. Maybe I'd try my hand at cooking again. My skills in that area could use some work.

...Okay, a lot of work. Which made the idea even better. I had a couple hours to kill until Mello was due home, though there was always the possibility he wouldn't' show up anyway. I'd realized after a while that the time he said he was going to be home, and the time he was home didn't usually match up. Sometimes with distances like days in between. It was something you got used to living with Mello.

I was okay with that, sort of. Without the ridiculous comments about being a house wife, it would be easier to focus.

Just had to remember that cans did _not_ belong in the microwave...hn...

It wasn't until sometime later that the loud slamming of the door alerted me to Mello's arrival. An almost sigh of relief escaped me, all too pleased that he had at least made it home at the promised time.

"In here, Mel." I called to alert him of my location in the kitchen as opposed to my preferred spot on the couch with my games.

"What're you doing in there? And nothings burning? I'm amazed." His taunting voice came, soon followed by the blond himself.

"....Catch the toaster on fire _once _and you never let it go," I mumbled, which really wasn't that good of a defense now that I thought on it....Huh, well I'd like to see him do better in the kitchen. I was pretty sure this area of the apartment went unused before I'd gotten here.

"And have you cooked since that incident? Or tried rather?" I had actually, and I opened my mouth to say so, but he cut me off before I could get anything out. "Let me rephrase that. Have you cooked in here, _without_ fucking it up?"

That wasn't fair. He knew as well as I the answer to that one. "No, but-"

"No buts. I'm right, and you know it. So since cooking is out of the question, what are you doing in here, hm?"

"Cooking." I insisted as he brought out a bar of chocolate from the cabinet. He better not have gone through the whole stash already...I hated going out to get more. Which I ended up having to do anyway. All. The. Time. Just another not so positive aspect of living with Mello. Still, the pros outweighed the cons, so who was I to complain?

"No, really." I had the feeling he was just trying to annoy me now, due to the ghost of a smirk I could just make out on his lips. I rolled my eyes, knowing I could get away with it thanks to the goggles, before stepping out of the way of his view of the stove.

"Yes, really. See?" I gestured towards the pot I was using to boil pasta in my attempt to make a decent meal. Nothing _was_ burning yet, no smoke, anything. I was doing pretty good as far as I was concerned.

Mello raised a brow in apparent disbelief, coming over beside me to lift the lid off the plot. He seemed torn between amusement, and disgust when he looked over at me again, an odd mixture of a smirk and grimace on his face. "Matt...what is this supposed to be?"

"You're joking? What's it look-" I cut myself off when I leaned around him to peer inside myself, frowning at the filmy looking water and what looked to be a pasty colored rock molded to the bottom. "Eww..." The small uttering escaped me before I could help it, getting Mello to bark out a laugh. He clapped my shoulder none too lightly, shaking his head.

"It looks like you forgot to stir. Whatever it was...just throw it away. I'd rather not have to deal with food poisoning, especially not at your hands." He snapped off a chunk of chocolate, still smirking at me. That smirk of his could really be annoying when he wanted it to be. I rolled my eyes in response, turning around to turn off the stove and push the pot off the burner. At least it seemed to be a step up from burning appliances...

"So how was-...whoa..." My sentence cut off once more, not because of my kitchen fail, but because when I turned to face Mello again, I found the space between us considerably lacking. With every breath, our chests actually brushed, and I could practically taste the chocolate on his breath. My head spun, and I had issues concentrating on getting away.

...Not that I could move anyway, I was sort of caught.

"Uh...hi," I murmured lightly, resting a hand on his chest and applying a faint pressure. "You know, we're kinda standing by a hot stove, I mean just 'cos I turned it off doesn't mean...well you know, it could still hurt and stuff, and that really would-"

"Hey Matt?" Mello cut me off once more, the hand that still rested on my shoulder tightening its grip just slightly. When he deemed my attention caught, he gave an eye roll. "Just shut up. You ramble when you're nervous, gets on my nerves."

I had no response to that, so I just bit my lip, willing myself not to flush. Damn it, it wasn't fair that Mello could do so much...by doing nothing. Not that I would call invading my personal space in such extreme levels nothing but...there is a point there, okay? I'm just having a bit of trouble thinking clearly here, Mello does that to me. I'm pretty sure Mello does that to _everyone. _Add that to his list of special skills, heh...

"Why are you nervous anyhow? You never used to be," I wasn't sure how to answer that without spilling everything, so I just shrugged, shaking my head. Though instead of some comment about how that wasn't an answer, or I was a dumb ass, I was greeted with the feeling of Mello's lips molding into mine. Before I could get it into my head to respond, or pull away, they were gone again. He'd pulled away enough to be able to study me, and suddenly I was flushing like crazy. "Is it 'cos of that? Hm?" This thought seemed to amuse him, and he was leaning in again, lips at my jaw. Like always, it sent those tingles over my skin and my mind whirring.

"Mello, c'mon. Cut it out." I urged, pressing against his chest again to get my point across. I could practically see him rolling his eyes, though I couldn't really see his face at the moment. His lips had migrated to my throat and...fuck had it always felt _that good?_

"Why?" It was always 'why'. Like I needed to have a reason to ask him not to molest me. Okay, so he wasn't really molesting me, but you get what I mean. Its not like I _asked_ for him to do this. And if I had...I really needed to look into what form of body language he spoke.

"Look, we'll...ahn...uh, we need to eat don't we? Mm, c'mon, let's go..." I could have cursed myself for how badly I stumbled over my words, but it only seemed to amuse him. Of course it amused him, he got his kicks out of making me squirm lately.

His arms went around my waist, despite my words. It wasn't right how...right it felt. I pushed those thoughts away, wriggling a bit, wanting out before I really got comfortable there. I'd worked too hard, too long, to keep my apparently unrequited affections to myself. I wasn't about to ruin them now, when I'd just got Mello back.

"The fuck is wrong with you? Look, I know that...what happened really messed with you, but this is crazy. Its me, you trust me, you've said that. So why push me away?" There was a slight hint of annoyance in Mello's voice, but otherwise he was relatively calm. Or whatever you would call his 'not angry' stage. I'd yet to find a word for that actually.

I sighed, shaking my head again. "Nothing is wrong with me Mel. Has it occurred to you that maybe I don't _want_ this?" It was near impossible to force the words out, I'd never handled lying to Mello well. And its not like he ever believed me anyway, but it was always worth the shot if I even had to lie to him to begin with. I hated it.

Mello scoffed, an almost scowl on his lips now. "Don't try it Matt, you were all over me that first evening, you can't deny that. Why stop?" Once more he was leaning in so our chests were flush, and I would swear I could feel his heartbeat. Before I could stop it, a shiver ran down my spine, and I was itching to press my lips into his because they were just so close...

"Because I can. Do I really need a reason?" I somehow managed, tugging back instead of forward like my body so urged me. Mello wouldn't allow this though, tightening his arms as the corner of his lips tightened as well.

"Yes, you do. Just tell me, and I'll drop it. I might even leave you alone." His tone was hard, demanding, the usual pretty much when I was doing something wrong. Which I _wasn't._ This was really, really stupid. Why couldn't he just drop it? Let our friendship stay normal, and comfortable instead of provoking me and my hormones and sending my heart in a dizzy whirl of lurching somersaults...

I glared, finally just yanking myself away with the force I could muster. This sent me stumbling back a bit, but at least I was away from his strong hold, and his warm chest, and inviting smile and...damn it this wasn't helping.

"Do you want to know why I won't give into you Mello?" I asked, trying to copy his hard tone, and only managing to make myself sound stiff and congested. Damn.

Surprisingly, he passed over that and moved right onto my unneeded question. "The fuck else would I want to know dumb ass?" Another chunk of chocolate was bitten roughly off as he leaned against the counter, glowering at me. That really didn't aid the pressure of what I was going to say much.

Oh damn...I really thought I was going to say it, didn't I? After all these years of having it to myself, could I really even get it out? Even as I thought about it, the words didn't want to come. They were there, so many, waiting to be let out, but they'd been held in so long now. I felt like an idiot, just standing there, staring, while Mello watched on expectantly. I didn't even know _how_ to say it. The words 'I love you' seemed so plain, so...empty. People said it all the time without meaning, but there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I meant it. With every fiber of my pathetic being and...

"Mello."

"You're wasting my time dumb ass. Do you even have a reason? Or are you finally gonna let me fuck you?" He smirked with this, but it was an empty smirk, not the one I didn't mind. I glared again, gritting my teeth and shaking my head.

"You wish." Always my comeback. Pathetic, cliche, overused...the usual.

"Why not? Tell me why Matt. Do you not trust me? You don't have to lie, I won't be mad," His eyes were cold...colder then usual, calculating, and I wasn't at all fond of the feeling. It sent a chill up my spine instead of the usual warm tingles I usually got.

"Of course I trust you! That...that has nothing to do with this. Just _listen!"_

He sneered in response to this, and my temper flared fractionally for whatever reason. If anything, I should have not trusted him, and it would have been his own fault! The way he was acting, it was stupid, irritating, and for the first time I found myself wanting to hit Mello, or something of the like.

Instead though, when I approached, I grabbed his face in my hands and smashed our lips together with enough force that I tasted blood on my tongue. Whether it was mine or Mello's, I didn't care. I was more focused on pouring every ounce of raw emotion I could into that kiss. I wanted him to know, to understand what was really going on with me, for once in his god damn life.

"Mello." I murmured again when I broke the kiss, panting heavily against his lips. My hands still held firmly to his face, giving him no choice but to look at me. Not that he had any problem with eye contact anyway. He looked a bit surprised though, or at least caught off guard. I was a bit shocked by my own actions, so he couldn't even cover that. I didn't know whether I was pleased that I'd caught him off his guard, or worried about how he would react to....

I shoved that way, leaning in to kiss him again, sweeter this time, more affection then anything. A kiss like I hadn't had the chance to give him before. One I'd wanted to give him for what seemed like forever. Because I'd been waiting for Mello forever, and this was my chance. Not the first, but one I couldn't waste like the others.

"Mello," Once more his name fell off my lips, and I could tell he was getting impatient. I breathed out a sigh, yanking my goggles down to look him directly in the eye.

"Mello, I fucking love you."

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* * *

**Bahaha....FINALLY! Lets see how this goes, eh? Maybe yummy lemony goodness next chap? Depends on the reviews kids. Keep 'em coming.  
KIDDING. Ya'll know I'm going to keep writing anyway. ;D**


	11. Eleven: Mello

**A/N: I TOLD YOU I'D GET THE NEXT CHAPTER OUT TODAY. :D I'm so proud of myself. xD Hope you enjoy~  
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This definitely wasn't working the way it was supposed to.

I couldn't expect Matt to give in right from the beginning, not after how his first sexual encounter had gone. I wasn't that stupid. What I did expect, though, was for him to get over it. And if not that, at least trust me enough to show him how sex really worked.

That didn't happen.

It didn't make any sense. Nothing I did seemed to sway him anymore towards letting me fuck him. There was interest on his part, that much was obvious. Yet every single time, no matter what I did or how I provoked him, he always refused. Maybe not verbally, but the fact that he turned away, or put distance between us, said enough. It was driving _me_ crazy. Because I wanted Matt, at least for a fuck, and it didn't at all help that he was the only one to ever refuse me. I think that fact there just made me want him _more._

You wouldn't understand unless it was you that was stuck living with the very fuckable redhead who was _supposed_ to be my best friend. You'd think that at least would be enough for him to go ahead and give in. I mean, it would be a favor for both of us. This...sexual tension was seriously irritating, and no matter how many times I relieved myself on someone else, it didn't seem to be enough.

And here Matt was, refusing me _again._

"Mello." That really wasn't an answer. I hated it when he did that, deliberated. For someone who normally had such a quick wit, he took way too long when it came to matters like this.

"You're wasting my time dumb ass. Do you even have a reason? Or are you finally gonna let me fuck you?" That really sound like a good idea...I couldn't resist a smirk, knowing either it would send him stuttering, or touch that nonexistent temper of his.

"You wish." How many times had I heard that line lately? Too many it seemed. That was always his retort, and it was really getting old. The smirk fell away, and I fixed a cold gaze on him, scrutinizing. I was really getting sick of the bull shit.

"Why not? Tell me why Matt. Do you not trust me? You don't have to lie, I won't be mad," Naturally my expression countered my words, and he seemed to catch on. I could see him wanting to cringe away, to avoid my gaze. Whatever little pride he had seemed to stop him, or maybe it was just my words.

"Of course I trust you! That...that has nothing to do with this. Just _listen!"_

I couldn't bite back a sneer in response to this, a reaction that seemed to spark something inside him. Huh, maybe Matt really was human, since it seemed he could get angry. It was hard to tell sometimes y'know. No one should have that much tolerance to me.

Knowing Matt, a stuttered rant and some mild cursing could be expected. Of course, since when had Matt ever gone along with what was expected of him? With his approach, his expression remained serious, intent even, uncharacteristic for the redhead at best. I didn't have time to make another comment before his hands were holding my face and his lips crushed into mine with a considerable amount of force. I couldn't have protested had I wanted to, because the force, the emotion, in that kiss was enough to have my mind reeling. Only Matt could ever manage that so perfectly, it wasn't right.

"Mello." His breath was heavy against my lips, tainted with cigarette smoke and the sharp flavor of his stupid energy drinks. He had yet to release my face, meaning I was forced to look at him. I couldn't keep the surprise off my expression, no matter how hard I tried. There was so much in the simple contact...so much I couldn't keep up. No one should be able to feel that much, especially not Matt. Yet he did, again defying the norm. It was so real, it nearly stung. That emotion was written into his face, the blood that tainted his lips from the strength of his kiss, probably in his eyes too if they weren't hidden...

I almost reached to pull them away, but his lips were on mine again before I got the chance. I was frozen to the spot by this one, possibly more affected by it then the last. It was so sweet, so affectionate, so _Matt._ I don't think I'd ever been kissed like that before, and I wasn't completely sure I didn't like it.

"Mello," Alright...if he said my name one more time I was going to smack him. Or, something, since it was doubtful I could ever really hit him, damn it for whatever force that stopped me from doing so. He seemed to get my impatience, sighing as he tugged down his goggles so he could look me properly in the eye.

...Why was I getting the feeling this was all going far beyond just sex? There was so much in those brilliant, impossibly bright eyes of his. So much I couldn't have read into it all with a hundred years to do so. His eyes always had been the most expressive part of him....

"Mello, I fucking love you."

Wait, what?!

I blinked at him a few times, opening my mouth, before snapping it shut again. What the fuck? What did that have to do with anything? I knew he loved me, it was only natural after all these years and...

I gave an eye roll, shoving at his chest lightly so I could have my space again. The fact that the distance put between us left me craving contact again was ignored as I snatched up my chocolate bar again. Fuck, this kid was going to be the death of me. I swear his very presence was more hazardous then Kira. "I know that Matt. Big deal. I don't get what that has to do with anything."

The look he gave me was incredulous, but it didn't take long for him to start shaking his head in protest. "You don't get it, do you?" His voice had dropped considerably, sort of a whisper now and he was avoiding eye contact. Normally this would be amusing, but at the moment I was rather more annoyed with his behavior.

"Of course I do dumb ass. I care about you too, alright? We've been together a long time, how could I not?" I shrugged, snapping of a chunk of chocolate and letting it dangle from my lips a moment, just sucking at the part in my mouth. He'd looked up again, eyes focused on me again, a sort of hurt, thoughtful expression in his eyes.

"You're an idiot." He just about snapped, though his tone was too light, resigned almost. A cigarette was brought from the back and his pocket and lit, and the redhead seemed to relax slightly as he took a long drag.

I bit down sharply on the rest of the chunk of chocolate, glaring. The insult was not at all appreciated, especially since it was one to my intelligence. "I'm an idiot? You're the one not making any sense, asshole." I growled out, getting an eye roll in response to my irritation.

"Would you like me to spell it out for you Mello? What everyone in this goddamn world seems to see _but_ you?" Matt's voice had risen again, to normal levels, and there was a faint irritation in his own voice. I wished he would stop asking dumb assed questions, it was getting really old.

"Go ahead Matt, spell it out. Since that's only what I've been waiting for since I asked you why I couldn't just fuck you," I threw an arm out in a gesture for him to continue. Only to have him, of course, deliberate again. He seemed to be searching for the right thing to say, judging by the look in his eye and the thoughtful quirk to his lips. It seemed to be ages before he finally looked directly at me again, pulling the cigarette from his lips and flicking it into the trash.

"Mello..." Again. I really wanted to hit him now....

"You mean more to me then anyone else will ever be close to meaning; more then life itself. No...fuck that, you _are_ my life, or reason for living to say the least. Do you honestly think I would just go along with giving away my virginity to that disgusting excuse for a man for nothing? Do you believe I stuck by you through every fit of anger, every thrown object, and harsh word for the mere sake of friendship? Put it together Mello...why did I hang by your side no matter how badly you treated me sometimes? Why did I do every last thing you asked of me with little complaint? Why was I always 'Mello's pet'? Were you so fucking _blind_ that you couldn't see just how much I felt for you? Just what I felt for you? Do you know how much it tore me up inside when I found out you were with _Near_? Every fucking time you brought some bastard or bitch around and gave them the sort of attention I was never gonna receive because I was so fucking paranoid that once I gave in to you...you would leave me?

"_Everything_ is about you Mello! I can't stop thinking about you, ever. You're always on my mind, if only a part of it. I always need you, crave you, when you're not around. And when I do get you, I can't seem to get enough! Those years without you? They nearly killed me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, even my games weren't enough anymore. Nothing was. I fucking love you Mello, I'm _in _love with you. You're more important then any other person, or game, or cigarettes, or any of that stuff. I could swear sometimes I need you more then I need frickin' oxygen and if you don't believe me just _ask_ how much of a wreck I was without you, clinging to the hope that maybe, _maybe_ you would come back. If I hadn't been so confident in you, I would have withered away to nothing. Without you, there is no me. There's no point. I want you, need you, love you...so much I swear it could kill me and I don't know how I kept that in so long."

The brief fire that Matt had gotten seemed to leave him as he finished, shoulder's slumping faintly and eyes leaving mine again. I was...completely speechless for once in my life. What was I supposed to say to _that?_ What would anyone say to that?

But everything was clicking together, everything he said made sense. Why he never left my side, why he always had to touch me, why he'd started sleeping in my bed. It explained all the fidgeting, and avoiding questions, and nervous blushes...all of it. Matt was in love with me.

...Holy fucking shit.

I must have looked like an idiot, staring at him all wide eyed and slack jawed. I shook it off though, snatching up my keys and grabbing another couple bars of chocolate. It was my only way to deal, to get out. I couldn't handle him, not right now. I didn't even look back when he stuttered protests after me, or when his hand caught my wrist. If I looked back, I would be stuck, I knew I would. I couldn't have that, I needed out, right now.

So I yanked my wrist away, without a glance, heading out the door and leaving Matt to his own devices.

The light purr of my motorcycle relaxed my nerves, which were more frayed then usual. A ride would help clear my thoughts, it always did. I would come back later, and I would...

What _would_ I do? My best friend had just confessed his love to me and...I'd walked away. That must have looked bad. I could imagine Matt up there now, probably sulking, smoking himself to death. I wonder if he would cry....

Fuck I didn't want to think about that. I actually snarled at myself under my breath for the thought, cursing both myself and the redhead who was causing my thoughts to go into such turmoil. I didn't even know what to think anymore.

I guess, the important question was....Did I love him too?

The thought seemed ridiculous. I cared, I'd admitted that to him. But I didn't really _love_ him did I? I was Mello. Tough, cruel, cold, the big bad Mafia Boss. Why would I even consider loving the laze-about, jerk around, all together worthless gamer?

That description was so wrong, even in my head I rejected it. Okay, so he wasn't worthless, and he was definitely lovable, but that didn't mean that _I_ had to love him, right? I mean, logically speaking, it made sense to feel affection for him, but all out tender hugs&kisses love just...didn't add up. Not for me. I didn't like the thought, especially not with Matt.

I couldn't give Matt what he needed in that situation. I didn't know how to act, or what I would do, or what would be expected of me...Surely I'd fuck up and Matt didn't deserve that...

...Shit, no. That wasn't the point. I wouldn't want to be in that situation with Matt anyway. It wasn't right. I didn't love people, not even him. That would mean I needed him, wanted him and not just his ass. The more I thought about not wanting it though, the more I thought about the situation itself. It was impossible not to picture it, I already knew what it felt like to kiss Matt, to hold him. Had already seen him his most vulnerable, and at his highest points. I'd been the cause of all that, both the bad and the good. Maybe he had a point, maybe I was his everything...

Still, that didn't apply to me. It didn't. I had a life outside of Matt, I didn't constantly think of him, my world didn't revolve around him...

So why was I thinking so much on this? Why couldn't I just go back and kick his ass out? Or tell him that I didn't feel the same, to just drop it and we'd never talk about it again. It was so stupid, so irritating, so....

It was all Matt's fault. The bastard just couldn't keep it to his fucking self. You'd think if he really loved me so goddamn much, he wouldn't mind letting me fuck him! He always had to make things complicated, they couldn't just be left alone. He'd invaded my life originally, and I"d pulled him back again. It was a stupid thing to do, I'd been getting on just fine without him. I didn't need the lazy ass in my life, he only fucked things up. Turned them upside down, ruined the order I was used to and...

Fuck why was life so much better then? I couldn't deny that. Just as I couldn't deny that every time I went out to work...I was anxious to be home. Couldn't deny that with every glance from him, every smile, or touch, or one of those fucking adorable blushes, my heart flipped over. I wanted that. I wanted him to smile more, to hear that carefree laugh of his, to make him blush, wanted him to touch me...I needed Matt to help fight the tension, and the negative emotion that seemed to build up so much sometimes I could have snapped. I needed his silky hair, and his soft scent, and his warm body and...fuck, fuck , _fuck..._

Was that love? Is that what I was supposed to be feeling in order to be able to tell him I loved him? Love...it seemed like such a weak word, so stupid, so human...and overused. Would it even begin to describe...whatever this was?

I didn't think so.

The bike came to a stop as I eased on the breaks. It wasn't like I had a destination, so there was time to kill. I lent forward, dropping my head onto my arms with a loud, frustrated groan. I didn't know what to do, what to think, what I would say when I got back to Matt...Because I had to go back, I didn't really have a choice. I lived there after all, and I needed to tell him....

Tell him what? That I loved him? Even after all this thought, it still seemed like such a stupid thing to say. Ugh, this was so _fucked up._

Damn Matt. Making everything so fucking complicated....maybe that was part of why I...cared about him.

I couldn't even think it! How the hell was I supposed to _tell_ him?

I groaned again, squeezing my eyes shut. That didn't help, because all I could do was picture Matt in all his wonderful glory. Big, puppy eyes, messy hair, crooked grin, a cigarette tacked onto his lower lip...

_"I fucking love you Mello"_

Dammit.

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**YAY. Another confession. ^^ Sort of. But no lemon, SORRY. Maybe next time? Hope this works for you lot for now...Its a whole bunch of rambling. I'm hyped up on sugar here and I CAN'T FIND MY GOGGLES. I have the rest of my Matt stuff set up, but no goggles. I WILL FIND THEM.**


	12. Twelve: Matt

**A/N: Ugh...I had issues with this chapter. BUT, the next will come easy...and I've got the last written so...yep. TWO MORE CHAPTERS. WOOT. Hope ya'll enjoyed it while it lasted.  
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I don't think I've ever fucked up so badly in my life.

I mean, I fucked up a lot, I knew that. Even if I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened. But, this was different. Bigger. So much bigger. Possibly permanent, something I wouldn't be able to fix. Definitely something I wouldn't be able to have Mello help me fix like he had so many times before.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go, not at all. He was supposed to respond likewise, and we were supposed to kiss, have sex and stuff, and it would all work out. Now that I thought on it though, it sounded...Maybe it was stupid to have even held the hope that Mello felt the same. Of course he didn't. Mello was...well _Mello._ He could do so much better then me, more then likely would do better then me. I was just a friend, and lucky to be that. And all this sex stuff, well I knew I wasn't unattractive, and Mello had always had a killer sex drive. It was just 'cos I was there, not because of anything real.

Still the hope had been there. And because of that, it'd been torn away, torn up, stomped on, and thrown off a frickin' cliff. I was pretty sure, by the aching feeling in my chest, that had my heart had gone right along with it. Seriously, whoever the hell is running this place needed to find someone else to torture, or at least tell me what I was doing that made me deserve this sort of treatment.

I found myself lacking the strength to move anymore then slumping to the floor right where I stood. What was the point really? No doubt when Mello returned, I was going to get kicked out. There wasn't a need to make myself comfortable now.

Or maybe he'd let me stay; ignore my confession as he tended to do when it came to things like this. I wasn't entirely sure that would be any better then leaving. It had been hard enough being around Mello and trying to keep my feelings secret for fear they wouldn't be returned. I couldn't' imagine what it would be like living with him _knowing _he knew how I felt and _knowing_ that the feelings weren't mutual.

Actually, I could imagine. It would suck. Hard.

Groaning, I brought my knees to my chest, dropping my head to them and all together trying to curl into myself. This was all so unfair. My life was the perfect sob story. Abused as a child, raised in a fucked up orphanage, ditched by my best friend, pretty much raped, and now _this. _

And all I could do was sit here on the kitchen floor and bitch about it internally. Brilliant, abso-fucking-lutely brilliant. Damn it, were those tears? Great, crying too. Pathetic Who the fuck fell in love with their best friend anyway?! Sick, sick and even more pathetic...

It was bad enough to be thinking this of myself, I didn't want to think what it would be like hearing it from Mello. I was used to insults and all from him, but they never really meant anything. Him calling me an asshole, or a fucktard, or bitch was just his way of avoiding too sweet moments. But, this would be different. Being called pathetic, disgusting, having him _disgusted_ because I'd been so stupid as to risk our friendship...I wasn't sure I could take that.

I guess, the only way around that was to leave before he could kick me out. The thought made me sick, leaving Mello at all. Specially when I'd gotten him back just a couple months before. I'd never been able to just walk away from him, not even on the off chance that he actually pissed me off, which he'd yet to _really_ do. Still, what else was I going to do? Sit here and risk getting my ass chewed for something I really couldn't help?

...Okay so maybe I was being a bit too dramatic about all this. There was the chance that I wouldn't be kicked out, which would be awkward, but at least I'd be with Mello right? That was better then not after all, even if I didn't actually _get _Mello like I so badly wanted. I'd dealt with it thus far, how hard could it be?

Probably...very hard. You know, all this thinking wasn't helping me at all. It was just making things worse. I knew there was a reason I used the mind given to me as little as humanly possible...Maybe I should apply that tuning out thing I'd gotten so good at to myself. That way, I could sit here and sulk and cry without feeling like an idiot.

Sometime later, with another groan, I pulled my self up off the floor, brushing away stray tears with my sleeve. Mainly 'cos the kitchen floor is _really_ uncomfortable, and...I wasn't too fond of the idea of Mello coming back and finding me there curled up and teary eyed. Instinctively, I patted my pocket in search of cigarettes, heaving a sigh of relief when I felt the rectangular box shape under the denim. It was just my luck that, when I opened the pack, it was empty.

"_Fuck..."_ It came out as more of a whine then intended, but it wasn't like anyone was there to hear it anyway. 'Sides, I was out of cigarettes, one of the three things that now kept me alive. Well, besides the obvious air, food, water and stuff...but that's not important compared to nicotine, video games and....Mello.

Ugh.

Alright, so my plans to not leave the apartment had been squashed. Considering I wasn't leaving permanently, I guess it wasn't so bad. Although there was always the chance Mello might shoot me if he got back before I did and I just walked in...huh. Again with the dramatics, he wouldn't shoot me. I mean, just 'cos of some silly love confession he wouldn't break his 'no physical harm shall be caused to Matt on purpose' thing he had going on.

Cigarettes...not Mello. I needed cigarettes. Well, I needed Mello too, but obviously I couldn't just go get Mello and....

This would be harder then I thought if I really was stuck living with Mello in an attempted platonic situation. Yet another groan was thrown into the air as I leaned against the door. I sucked. Badly. You'd think, after spending all those years with Mello, I wouldn't suck so hard anymore...guess not.

Before I could even grab the handle, the door was yanked open of its own accord. Or...not I guess, 'cos I fell forward into a very firm, leather clad chest. Meaning both me, and a certain blond tumbled to the floor. I groaned for the hundredth time when I lifted my head again, meeting a pair of icy eyes head on.

"Heyhey, Mello..." I mumbled before I could stop myself. Realizing the awkwardness of our position, I hastily went to attempt to get off him. Only to have Mello hook a leg over my waist, grabbing my shoulders and flipping our positions so he could slam me forcefully into the dirty carpet below.

...Ouch. I grimaced, but he didn't look at all apologetic. Instead, he narrowed his eyes, giving me that serious look I'd learned to half fear. When Mello's got that look, you _should_ be scared. Fuck...he was going to give me the talk I'd been so keen on avoiding. The one I wasn't going to be able to avoid anyway but...I guess that didn't matter much now.

"You've not going to say a fucking word Matt, got it? No matter how much you want to. This will be hard enough to say without your annoying interruptions." He might as well have snarled at me. His expression was almost thoughtful as he shifted, slackening his grip on my shoulders slightly while he set his knees on either side of my hips. When I squirmed, he gave me a look that would have shocked the souls of tougher men then me. I stilled instantly, looking up at him because really, I had no other choice.

"Matt." We were going to go through that again? Only backwards I supposed, but still. At least he wasn't yelling, that would be a cause for real complaint.

No yelling, sure, but he did grab my chin with one hand in a tight grip. It was even more impossible to escape his eyes now and with my goggles still not in place to hide my eyes, tension gripped me for a second. It was quickly forced back, not willing to allow Mello to get to me in such a negative manner. "You're the most annoying fucking person I've ever fucking met." Just by that, I had the nasty feeling that this wasn't going to go well. I hadn't exactly had a feeling it would go well to begin with, but there had always been the chance...

"You're stubborn, and lazy, and clingy, and you're so fucking _difficult._ About everything. You complicate things, everything. You just come in and flip them upside down, and you don't give a fuck. Or you don't notice, which would just make you ignorant. You're childish, and a smart ass, and it seems like ever little thing you do never fails to irritate the shit out of me in one way or another." Judging by his eyes, he was getting more annoyed the more he spoke. Hell, I wasn't even doing anything at the moment. Did the thought of me just annoy him that much now?

I almost protested, told him to shut up, that I didn't want to hear it. Almost. But something, I dunno what, just something kept me listening. Maybe I just had this weird fetish or whatever for being scolded. Uhm, but then again...that just sounded weird.

The fact that Mello leaned in caught me off guard, and blood rushed to color my cheeks. I was caught in his eyes, his sweet breath ghosting over my face. And then he started talking again...

"But you....no matter how much I try to convince myself that I hate your habits, your quirks...they just become more endearing. You've wormed your way so far in my mind, it spins and hazes over every time I'm near you. I can't think straight, not with you around. You're annoying, but you're _so damn adorable._ It drives me wild, and I can't help but want to fuck you until you can only stutter my name and....

"I'm getting off track here. Matt...for all your laziness, and smart-assed remarks, and even your gay ass laugh..." Oh god, oh god, oh god...he wasn't going to...

"I fucking love you too, Matt."

I think...my heart stopped beating. Or it was stuck in my throat, or something...I couldn't breathe. My head spun, hell the whole damn world spun and the only thing that was clear was _Mello._

"Mel...you..." I began, but of course I wasn't given the chance to say anything before I pair of harsh lips met mine. Only, the kiss was different then his usual. Still nice, oh so nice...but so much _more._ More feeling, more Mello, more of an actual _kiss._ Like the sort you read about in fairy tales and romance novels, the real kind. True love and whatever.

Wow that sounded really gay. Lets not repeat it, I was pretty sure Mello wouldn't appreciate it.

"Shut up, Matt. That was embarrassing enough, I don't need you trying to get me to clarify," Mello muttered, barely removing his lips from mine to speak. I couldn't do much but nod, feeling my lips pull themselves into a full on grin. For the first time in a while, I caught a smile on Mello's own lips, and my heart lurched joyfully.

"Alright, alright. Lemme up at least?" I laughed, wriggling my hips pointedly. He looked down, seeming to notice something I didn't. Impulsively, I looked down as well, only to have my face heat up all over again when I caught on to what I might have done. With the exact position of our hips, and the tightness of Mello's pants....well he might have felt a bit more when I shifted my hips when I did. "Oh...oh, sorry..."

A smirk slowly took its place on his lips, and he leaned in to steal another kiss. "Hey Matt...you don't have to apologize. I've got a better idea," Which came in the form of him thrusting his hips right back down into mine, swallowing the yelp that escaped me with another kiss. Oh damn...

Though, I guess now that things were...out in the open, I had no reason to hold back anymore. If anything, it'd be good for not only us, and our possible relationship, but...just me too. After all, I still had a rather scarring sex encounter to get over, and if I was going to trust anyone to do that with me, it would be Mello.

'Sides, I _really_ wanted him. We had a bit of sexual tension to make up for, and I was going to make sure every last minute of torture was made up for. Heh. Of their own accord, my hands went into his hair, pulling him into another kiss. Damn, you wouldn't imagine how could that felt to be able to do it...and know that it wasn't just sex behind it.

"I love you Mels," I breathed in reminder. He actually laughed, warm breath hitting my jaw in pleasant gusts. Mm, I loved the sound. It was amazing how much nicer things were, after hearing such simple words. Maybe Mello really did complete my world, huh? He sure seemed to make things that much more brilliant.

"I know...god I want to fuck you Matt," The voice he used might as well have been a moan, and it had me squirming all over again. Oh jeez, and we hadn't even technically done anything yet...

"You're not gonna fuck me, " I corrected lightly, shaking my head when I looked up to meet his eyes. They were narrowed at me, indignation bright in them. I just grinned at him, pecking his lips again with a small laugh. "Not _fuck._ We're gonna have sex, make love, whatever you want to call it. Anything but fucking, 'kay?"

An eye roll was given to this, but his lips were on my neck again, so he didn't seem opposed to my correction. I pushed at his chest lightly, and he groaned, cursing rather loudly. "What _now?"_

I gave him a look, pout in all, getting him to sigh heavily, prodding my hip. "What, Matt? What is it?" He questioned in a much softer tone, sounding exasperated nevertheless.

Just 'cos I knew it would provoke him, I wriggled more still. "I dunno about you Mel, but I really don't want to do this in the middle of the hallway. I'm pretty sure that's public sex, and public sex is illegal. I know you don't care about illegal and all, but this is really not cool and...."

My rambling seemed to work, and he cut me off with another kiss, dragging me to my feet. "Shut up, would you? I don't want to hear anything from you accept for my name, which'll come in handy while I'm fuc-...while we're having sex." A smirk went along with this, and he tweaked my cheek lightly before pulling me back into the apartment.

Giving a cheeky grin, I pulled the whole 'zip your lips' miming thing. Mello made no comment, just slipping his arms around my waist and coaxing my lips into another heated kiss. Ah, I would never get tired of this, that was for sure....

The back of my legs hit the side of his bed before I knew it, and I had to break our kiss. Jeez this was...this was really happening. After so fucking long and....

"Relax Matt. I'll take good care of you, promise." It was hard to tell if Mello was serious, or mocking me, but I found it hard to care when he took my hand and plunged it into his pants. When had he got those undone again?

Well, one thing was for sure...this was bound to be interesting.

**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________A/N: Guess who was watching Brokeback Mountain while writing this? xD FINALLY A WANTED!LEMON NEXT? MAYBE? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT. xD**


	13. Thirteen: Mello

**A/N: Heh, props to all those who figured out my Brokeback Mountain implication. ^^' I guess it was a lot easier to spot then my Supernatural one...  
Anyway...second to last chapter people. You better enjoy it.  
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Interesting might have been the way I would have described current events as well...

If I were thinking about that as opposed to how much I wanted to fuck the redhead who just happened to have his hand down my pants. Sure I was the one to put his hand there, but I sure as hell wasn't the one making him brush those agile fingers of his around my ever growing hard on. Fuck, I hadn't reacted so quickly to...well anyone.

My own hand went to thread into his soft hair, pulling his head back to get a better angle with our kiss. For whatever reason, when my teeth brushed against his lower lip, Matt jerked his hand away. He didn't stop there either, soon his whole body was to follow, shifting away from in between me and the bed with a stumbling movement. My eyes followed him, slightly narrowed, incredulous over his actions. It sort of surprised me to see him trembling, if faintly. Not just his hands, but his entire freaking body.

Oh shit, he couldn't have been...?

"Matt," I sighed, torn between exasperation and...concern. Yeah, concern, bite me. It wasn't like it was my goal to cause Matt any more trauma, and I hadn't even considered...of course I was a bit worried now. He just shook his head, biting into his lip before stepping forward again. His wariness was blatantly obvious, and the movement seemed far to forced for me to drop my concern.

Which was exactly why I grabbed him by the hem of his pants, jerking him forward, earning a surprised yelp in return. "M-mello..." His eyes were huge, and the trembling seemed to increase. Were it anyone else, I would have probably sneered, and proceeded with the fucking. Unfortunately, t his wasn't just anyone else. It was Matt, and because of that...the situation needed to be handled a bit more delicately. Literally.

I could do that, right? For Matt, my Matt, who I claimed to actually...love. I'd been gentle with him before, and I hadn't raped him yet. Surely that counted towards my ability to be careful now. Not to mention, looking at Matt with his pretty face, and big fearful eyes, I felt immediate guilt. That, and a sort of protectiveness. I guess I'd always been protective over him, but this was different. How did I protect him from, well, me?

Firstly, I think letting go of his pants would be a good idea. My hand was sort of lingering in a sensitive area, and I could feel his hips straining back against the fabric to escape me. Reluctantly, I released my hold on the denim, causing him to stumble back just a bit. Ignoring that he took another step back, for good judgement I guessed, I inched forward again. Slowly now, trying not to be quite so intimidating, or whatever it was you would call it. All the while I watched his eyes, noting the fractional changes in expression. Without those damned goggles, Matt was just so easy to read...His eyes flickered between fear, agitation, want, anxiety....so much.

A lot of which I didn't like. Knowing it was caused by me, if partially, only made it worse. Aside from the want, I liked that. Aimed to make it the dominant emotion shining in those amazing eyes of his. So often lately they'd been hidden, dead, hurt....Nothing I wanted to see. I wanted the look back from just a bit ago, the brilliance that came with that smile. I was going to be the one to put it there, sometime now.

That, and I was going to get him over this damnable...fear? And here I was thinking Matt had been handling it so well. Maybe the touches had been brief, and the kisses sparing, but it couldn't really be all that different from this. On top of that, it was _me._ You think he'd have a little trust.

Although it was kinda my fault he'd gained this aversion to all things sexual to begin with. So, in turn it was my responsibility to fix it. Not that I was big on responsibility, but do you really think I'd let anyone else work Matt out of a fear of sex? That required sex, so yeah, not a chance.

Just how to go about it was the question. I paused in my approach when I figured I was close enough. Not as close as I would have liked, but Matt's trembling had mostly died down, so I'd have to deal. The silence continued, his eyes never leaving mine surprisingly. I think he was trying to express something to me via this connection. That was a bit annoying, I wish he would just say it. If Matt went mute so help me...

No, not the time to get annoyed. I breathed out another sigh, could have been close to a groan, closing my eyes for just a sec. I heard him shift slightly on his feet, whether closer or father had yet to be determined. I was assuming the latter, but then again I didn't want to think too negatively. I wasn't causing Matt distress, I wasn't...

Which totally explained why he was back to a jumpy, quiet, state. Or, maybe not so quiet, as a split second later, I just caught a soft murmuring of my name. My eyes opened again, focusing on Matt in question. Nothing further was said, he just stared at me. Pleading almost. There was no doubt what those eyes said.

_No._

Damn. It. It took a lot of will not to growl in frustration. How was it fair that the most fuckable boy on the face of this damn planet, didn't even want to have sex with me? It wasn't fair. Not at all.

I don't know if he sensed my annoyance, or what, but Matt seemed to see this as a chance to grab my hand. His fingers twined into mine, and he squeezed lightly, like for reassurance. How fucked up was that? Why was he the one reassuring me instead of the other way around? By the looks of it, he was the one in need, not me.

I sighed again, something I seemed to be doing a lot today. My free hand came up, fingers first brushing lightly over his jaw, before cupping his face loosely. It felt, weird, the affection. But at the same time, it was nice to give it. Nice to see him relax again, leaning into my hand, eyes dropping just faintly. "Sorry," He breathed, as my fingers pushed a few stray strands of red from his eyes. Huh, up close it didn't really look so much the plain red I'd always thought it. It was brighter, tinted with hues of browns and golds, pretty.

I shook off these thoughts, focusing more on what he was saying as opposed to how...pretty he was. Ugh, this love thing made people really sappy. Must have changed their vision too. Its not that Matt was unattractive before, it was just...wow now. That didn't really add to the 'I need to fuck you _now'_ factor.

Getting off track again. I know he'd apologized, what I didn't know was what for. I allowed a frown to take its place, releasing his face to instead slip an arm around his waist. For just a second, he stiffened again, before relaxing against me. Like always. "The fuck are you sorry for?"

It was his turn to frown, and he looked to me with skeptical eyes. "For screwing this up, that's what. You want to have sex with me, I want to have sex with you...but I...can't," His frown only deepened with the last words, and he pulled back a bit from me again. I allowed it, for the moment, dropping my arm and sitting on the edge of the bed. Matt deliberated a moment, but followed, putting only limited space between us.

"If you _want_ to have sex, and I want to have sex, why can't we?" As I spoke, I leaned down to begin working at undoing my boots. I needed something to do with my hands to keep them off the redhead beside me. Why was it so much harder _now?_ I'd managed this past couple months, sort of, and now this....

I'm just going to blame fucking love again and leave it at that.

Once more a silence filled the room, this more awkward then the last. Matt seemed to be hesitating again, and through the corner of my eye I caught his hand combing through his hair in thought. His lower lip was sucked into his mouth, expression one of concentration, before he too sighed.

"Because I suck," He muttered, dropping his hand heavily onto his lap.

I snorted lightly, straightening again and brushing my own hair out of the way. "Apparently not," I smirked, as he seemed to struggle over the implication a moment. It didn't take too pathetically long though, before a dark flush painted over his cheek. His eyes narrowed as he looked up at me, reaching out to smack my chest. I caught his hand, twining our fingers again. Any annoyance he might have had vanished at this, and he let out yet another sigh. I could assume this one was more of content then frustration.

"You know that's what I meant, ass. I'm just...." His lower lip was sucked into his mouth once more, hesitating yet again. Or thinking, he had that look on his face that he got when he didn't know what to say. Which wasn't all too often, Matt usually had something to say. Mostly smart assed, but it was still something.

"Just what Matt? Spit it out, I'm not going to laugh. Or fuck you anyway, although its looking like a good idea right now..." I smirked again, but it didn't seem the comment was appreciated on Matt's part. I rolled my eyes, flicking hair out of his eyes again. Without a lot of thought, my thumb brushed over his lip, pulling it out of his mouth and away from his teeth. It was a little red, but otherwise unharmed, and oh so inviting....

No, no. I was trying to be good here. For Matt.

It looked as if he might say something for a moment, but instead he leaned in for a quick kiss. A very quick, very chaste, very unsatisfying kiss. That left the taste of him on my lips, and naturally the want for more. It wouldn't be so hard to just lean in and claim those lips again...But no. Matt was thinking again, more so then hesitating this time.

"Its too soon," He stated finally, looking at me with a solemn expression. It looked a bit awkward on his face, but I tried not to focus so much on that. More his words, which just kept coming in a nervous babble. "I mean, it sounds really stupid and all I guess...considering we've known each other for a really long time and technically it isn't rushing into things but, y'know with what...happened and all I'm not really...Well its not that I don't want it Mel, I do just..."

Before he could say anymore, I clapped a hand over his mouth, successfully cutting him off. If not for that, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that Matt would have gone on until he ended up talking about something totally unrelated to the topic. Not that it hadn't been amusing to witness this before, but now was not the time.

I was still sorta sporting a hard on that just didn't seem to want to _go away. _No matter the seriousness of the current situation. Either I was going to figure out the problem, so I could just fuck him already, or the talk was going to have to end fast so I could go jerk off or something. I was pretty sure going to find somebody else to fuck was out of the question, and too be honest (blaming that love bull shit here again) I really didn't find the thought appealing anyway.

"So Matt," I began, loosening my hand just slightly. "Either you tell me what's up, or you shut up and we'll get on with the sex." That seemed like a good choice, easy one too. Matt shouldn't have had any difficulties. With that said, I removed my hand, pulling a chocolate bar from, yeah, out of my pants and promptly snapping off a chunk. He gave me an odd look, which I promptly ignored, gesturing for him to continue instead.

"Ah, well...I don't...want to have sex," The tone with which he spoke was fairly level, but the spaces in between his words held far too much meaning. He was still awkward, and clearly had an issue saying that. But if he had such a big issue, why bother? Why not just let me fuck him? Damn it this was going to get so frustrating....I turned narrowed eyes on him before I could help myself, and he immediately held up both hands like in surrender. "That came out wrong! I mean, I don't want to have sex _now. _Give me a little time Mel, please? I just want to get used to...this. Us, y'know? Most couples don't have sex right off the bat." A nod was given to this, though just seconds later his face erupted with color again.

Once more I was smirking, seizing the opportunity to not outright answer his question. Sure, I guess I could wait for him, but I wasn't going to say it. Sometimes the most important things were left unsaid, or some bullshit like that. Matt was smart, he'd figure it out. "Are you insinuating that we're a couple now?" I taunted, leaning in and tweaking his flushed cheek. Somehow, his blush darkened further, and he ducked his head to avoid looking at me.

"Well, I guess I was. I didn't really mean to, but you know..you would think, after all the...and, well..." Alright, so the babbling could be downright endearing sometimes. Just like most of Matt's other quirks. How could I resist pulling his head towards mine and cutting of his speech once again. I tried to keep it innocent, I really did, but it was hard to ignore the now growing interest in my dick when Matt's tongue hit my lips. Seeming to realize his mistake, he pulled away, though there was a smile fixated on his lips.

"Its alright Matty. You can be my bitch if you wanna," The expression on his face was, once again, comical. Torn between indignation, and embarrassment over my words. As I stood off the bed once more, I ruffled his hair, smirking at him all over again. He blinked, a pouty quirk to his lips for just the moment.

"Jerk,"

"You love it,"

"...I do," I rolled my eyes again with this, cuffing him lightly on the side of the head. I just got a grin, and a smack on the chest in return, a small laugh escaping the redhead. Actually, no, I think it could be called a giggle. That got a laugh from me too, and more of a flush from him, as he reached up to tug lightly on a strand of my hair. Swatting at his hand, I shook my head, a sort of grin fixated on my own lips.

At this he clapped his hands over his own mouth, gasping mockingly and giving me a wide-eyed look. "Is that....what I think it is? Is my Mello, the big bad mafia boss...is he really..._smiling?_" This earned him another cuff upside the head, to which he responded with another light laugh.

"You're such a fag Matt,"

"You love it," He responded cheekily, grabbing one of my hands in both his own. I had to scoff as he swung our hands a bit, that all too delighted smile of his never leaving his lips. Damned the way just that could make my heart feel like it was melting.

Still, I wasn't going to admit affection for him more often the necessary, so the statement was ignored. Silence passed again, Matt enjoying the GameBoy he'd pulled out of his pocket, while I sat back next to him to finish off my chocolate bar. After a while I was looking over at him again; its pretty fucking hard to keep your eyes off someone like Matt. My eyes followed the way that, after a second, his eyes were drooping again. There was a bit of a slump to his shoulders, and his game was held more loosely in his hands then was normal for him. Huh, tired that fast...Then again, it was kinda late, for him anyway.

Come to think of it, I was a bit on the tired side as well. (I'm, once again, going to blame love here, because obviously love confessions wear you out.) Without a word, I reached over, plucking the GameBoy from his hands and setting it aside. No protest was given to this when I reached over to begin tugging off his vest. As expected, Matt tensed, but the lack of sexual tension in the air seemed to remind him that it was okay. That, and the care I took at removing his clothes. The same sort of care as in the shower that night those weeks ago. All the while, he watched sleepily, raising his arms when I needed his shirt off, and wriggling his hips to aid the removal of his pants.

When he was stripped down to his boxers, he seemed to get the hint. Without having to be told, he stretched out on the bed, burrowing himself under the blankets. I watched him a second, then shifted to change out my leather for the decidedly more comfortable sweats. Matt must have been fucking exhausted, because once I climbed into bed behind him, he didn't move towards me like he usually did.

Though I guess thanks to the whole...couple thing and all, it was somewhat okay to press up behind him, slinking an arm over his thin waist. A warm hand found mine not seconds later, twining our fingers and holding tightly to it. The redhead tilted his head back a bit, so he could make eye contact. A playful grin graced his lips, and I wasn't sure whether to be wary or not. With Matt, I was leaning more towards the former. Whenever he got that grin, his request was usually...

"Will you play a few games with me tomorrow Mel? Just for the helluva it?" Now, usually I said no to this. Usually it was _easy _to say no. I'd given in maybe once or twice, and I was pretty sure those had been special occasions. I wasn't under the impression there were any special occasions coming up so...

"Do we even have a second controller Matt?" _Fuck._ What happened to 'no'? Still, he was absolutely beaming with this as far as I could see before he let his head rest properly on the pillow again.

"'Course, you don't think I was going to let you get away forever?" The yawn he gave sort of ruined his teasing a bit, and he curled more against me then before. I didn't really mind, he was warm and all. And he smelled good. And....

Fuck I was tired.

I yawned myself, allowing my eyes to close and body to relax. "Just shut up Matt. M'not making any promises," I muttered tiredly. That seemed to work for him, as he gave no further comment. Maybe he'd fallen asleep...

"Love you Mel. Specially for agreeing to play with me," There was a hint of amusement in his tone, but otherwise he was all seriousness. And sleepiness, boy needed to get to sleep already, so I could. I had a feeling I was in for a long day tomorrow...

I was finally getting the whole 'oh the things we do for the ones we love' bitch. Seriously, it took some real fucking true love to pretty much agree to sit in front of a T.V screen with the guy you loved for hours loosing brain cells over a pointless game.

Heh, true love...and me. Who woulda thought?  
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**A/N: ...Don't hurt me. Please. D: I swear the smut is coming, it is! Just...not when I promised it? Slight change of plans is all. No worries.**

**Hope ya'll enjoyed this anyway. ^^' It was a real pain to right towards the end, if you hadn't noticed the declining quality. -eye roll-**


	14. Fourteen: Matt

**A/N: Geez…that took a while. Only excuse? Computer problems. Sorry. XP  
Merry Christmas? Or…happy holidays to be politically correct. xD  
Also...this is not the last chapter. That comes next. Thought ya'll might need'ta know.  
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Fingers threaded into soft hair, quiet panting filling the room, the sweet taste of him on my tongue, scent of him invading my senses and making my head spin...

Today would be the day. It had to be. Sure it was the middle of the morning, and we, or at least I, was still sporting a sleepy mind, but that didn't effect the situation really. Three weeks had passed, where I'd tried, and tried, and tried, and failed every time. It was frustrating Mello, I knew that. It was frustrating me as well. It only made it worse that Mello had taken to jerking off around me. Well, in the bathroom, but that's still pretty close. I guess it was better then finding someone else to fuck...

Not that he would have that issue anymore. It had to work today or I was going to frickin' explode.

"Matt," Mello breathed against my lips, leaving the tingling feeling to only heighten further. It was impossible to resist leaning in, and capturing his lips again, letting out a contented noise at the feeling.

"Shut up Mello, or I'm going to loose my resolve." A chuckle, or rather more of a scoffing snort, was received in return for my statement. Mello's hands framed my face, forcing me into looking at him. I met his eyes with what I hoped to be determination, a defiant quirk to my lips. I wasn't going to back out. Not again, I couldn't do that.

"What resolve Matt? You always say that, and you always chicken out," The term was not appreciated, though I made no comment, knowing that it wouldn't be appreciated very much either. "I know its frustrating, you know its frustrating, so it needs to fucking stop already. I'm giving you the choice right now, before we get into anything. Yes or fucking no?" Icy eyes were narrowed, but not quiet in a glare. It was more a searching look, waiting for my answer, to detect any doubt in it.

What the heck was I supposed to say?! If I said yes, there was always the chance I would tense up and ruin it _again._ But if I said no, I risked making Mello feel like I didn't want him. And I _did_, oh how I did. Even now, my fingers were itching to thread through his beautiful hair again, to have his lips back on mine. I wanted his taste, his scent, his hands...All of it.

So really, the answer 'yes' could have come easily. Yet it didn't, in the same way just letting Mello take me didn't come easy. No matter how much I wanted it, my body wouldn't take it, refused to take it. The lingering feelings of my first encounter just wouldn't leave me be, despite my desperate attempt to focus on _Mello._ The man who I loved, and trusted with my life....So why couldn't I give him this? Why did it have to be so frickin' hard? Arrrgh.

Okay...that sounded more like a pirate then the frustrated groaning it was supposed to come out as, but that's off topic.

I lifted my eyes to meet Mello's again, trying to convey my thoughts to him via our eye contact. That never seemed to work well, and the impatient quirk to his lips urged me into answering more clearly. That, and what I imagined to be his dick pressing against my thigh...Talk about pressure. "I...ah...I," I fail? Yep, that about summarized it. Screwing words completely, I leaned in and caught his lips instead. Actions spoke louder than words, right? They were so much easier anyway, and lazy as I was...well you get the point.

This seemed to be taken just as I wanted it to, as Mello's hands moved from my face, over my arms, down my sides, before finding purchase on my hips. Note; Mello appears to have a sort of hip fetish going on, heh. That I'd figured out in my few months after returning to him. Apparently I had nice hips, which sounded kinda gay, but whatever. It was a good thing if it kept Mello aroused, eh?

His lips had already began their mind-melting work against mine, drawing a quiet moan from my throat. Don't hold me down for it. There's just something amazing about being kissed by Mello. (You'd be moaning too if you had his tongue working magic in your mouth; not that you ever will. Hah!) It didn't take much at all to get me to the point were I was a hormone driven wreck of horniness.

Though all it took to bring me back was the feel of Mello's hand slipping into the back of my pants. I tried not to tense up, I really did, but that didn't seem to be working so well for me. I was pretty sure Mello noticed, as his hand halted in its movement for just a moment. Only to move downwards once again. "I swear Matt," He all but growled into my ear, lips teasing the skin there. "If you try and back out now, I'll be fucking you anyway. Even if that means tying you to the bed or some shit like that," I wondered if he did that on purpose, just to make me more nervous. Surely he couldn't be serious....wouldn't that technically be rape? Could you rape the mostly willing?

That, I guess, is where Mello was trying to make his point. There was no way I was going to get over this unless we just did it. Tense or not, memories or not, I had to do it...we had to do it.

It also sort of helped my resolve that I happened to be hard as hell at the moment and I didn't think any amount of jerking off would really help that. I didn't like the thought of jerking off so much anyway when there was the much better prospect of...

I moaned on contact with the combination of those thoughts, and Mello's lips finding mine again. I think it was possible that I should have been embarrassed by my easy responsiveness, but I couldn't bring myself to tone it down. Already, with so little, my legs felt like jello. I didn't even _like_ jello, but heck if this didn't feel good...I doubted I'd be standing if Mello's hands weren't firm on my hips.

Oh...wait. No, there was the one that was not so much on my hip, as...groping my ass. An awkward thought, but not an awkward feeling. Jeez, Mello had frickin' _amazing_ hands. I wanted them everywhere, I wanted my hands on _him. _Which is just where I put them. First playing with a few strands of golden hair, then over his shoulders, down his chest, one resting over his heart while the other played with the zipper to his vest...All the while his other hand had moved from my hip to my belt, fiddling with the buckle.

He broke the kiss, pressing his lips to my jaw but not starting anything more. His air seemed to be expectant, waiting, judging. This was usually as far as we got before I panicked. Of course, that wasn't to say I wasn't nervous now, but it could be ignored. I wanted this, didn't I? And Mello wanted it, which was even more important. So, I fixated a hopefully reassuring grin on my lips, kissing him once lightly. As if for further proof of my decision, I pulled down on the zipper to his vest, pushing it off his shoulders and onto the bedroom floor without a second thought.

Damn, it wasn't fair that Mello could be so frickin' gorgeous. My mind was melting all over again just at the sight of him. With his lithe muscles, perfect structure, lightly tanned skin...My mouth rested against his collar bone before I could help myself. Jeez, and he tasted good too. It would have been impossible to keep my mouth off him, or my tongue. I mean, you'd be licking Mello too if you were in my position...

This seemed to work for him, because without warning my shirt was yanked up with enough force to tug up my arms too, leaving me shirtless thereafter. Mello didn't waste any time this round either, dragging my pants down as well. The tension hit again, but with his fingers tracing up my spine with the intent of soothing, and I assumed arousing, I was able to ignore it. I forced myself to kick off the pants fully instead of pulling away as part of my mind, and my body, so urged me. A sort of relief flooded into both of us, I could tell. One step down, countless others to go.

With a seemingly reluctant air, Mello brought my head up so our lips connected once more. His hands found my shoulders, pushing lightly so we were both on the bed again. The bed we'd crawled out of a few hours before to get food and caffeine into our systems. That had been followed by another hour spent gaming, before coming back in here with the intention of getting dressed...It was funny how the clothes we'd just put on were now slowly gathering in a pile on the ground.

Mello's pants were next, as was only logical. My fingers found the laced up ties to his pants, tracing over them almost hesitatingly. Despite the tight leather, I could feel his arousal straining against the binds. That was...flattering. But it also brought my nervousness back full force. That...was going to go inside of me. Supposedly it would be different, and even I had figured that not all sex went exactly like my only experience had. Still, my anxiety couldn't be helped. Both body and mind linked this with pain, and disgust and...

"Matt," Mello's voice broke into my thoughts, my head jerking up to look into his eyes, not really remembering the kiss being broken. One light eyebrow was raised at me, an almost annoyed quirk to his lips. "C'mon, don't back out on me now. I swear it'll be okay," By Mello's standards, his tone was light, soothing, almost affectionate. By anyone else's standards, it probably would have sounded bored, annoyed even. But I knew Mello better then most people, and was more reassured then pressured.

"Sorry," I breathed out, beginning to tug at the lacing to his pants. Of course, being Mello, he quickly got impatient with my fumbling fingers, forcing them aside so he could undo them himself. Quicker then I doubted I could have managed on my own, his pants too were discarded. Leaving the only thing in the way of full on contact the thin cotton of my boxers. Why did all of a sudden that seem like too much?

Well, it wasn't a problem for long. Before the idea could occur to me, Mello was already ripping off the garment and tossing it aside. Not a second was wasted before his hips were in contact with mine and _oh my frickin' god..._That actually felt...really, really good. Do it again maybe? Heh, it was amazing how, without words, he did exactly what came to mind. At the same moment his hips rolled into mine again, creating an _amazing_ amount of friction I might add, his fingers pressed to my lower lip. Just three of them, prodding, and my mouth opened unconsciously in response. Allowing him the chance to slip the digits inside. What exactly was the point of that?

"Suck, dumb ass." Mello commanded lightly, bumping my jaw with his other hand so that my mouth closed. Once more, he pressed his hips down, pulling another moan from my chest. One that went muffled by the fingers still sort of caught in my mouth. Noting the demand given, I sucked lightly, not completely sure of the point still, but who was I to question Mello?

Yeah, questioning Mello was definitely not a good idea. That much was proven when, once he'd removed his fingers from my mouth a bit later, one of them was pushed up inside me. On instinct, I squirmed, tensing, unprepared for the invasion. Sure it was a small one compared to the last, but still unexpected, and mildly uncomfortable. Of course, that was nothing to the feeling a few moments later when _another_ was forced in. My breath caught, hands gripping onto Mello's shoulders, sort of pulling my hips back. His free hand grabbed onto my hip though, shaking his head and meeting my eyes meaningfully.

"Just relax, it'll be fine. It'll hurt a helluva lot more if you don't let me do this," Relax? How the heck was I supposed to relax with his fingers inside me? Knowing that his frickin' entire dick was coming next and that was a _hell _of a lot bigger. Despite his words, my thoughts had me squirming more, panic building up before I could stop it.

Still, Mello was unrelenting, fingers continuing to thrust slowly in and out, stretching I assumed by now. An exasperated sort of sigh was given, and his hand released my hips, instead grabbing onto my gradually growing less hard on.

...Can we say instant hard on renewal people? I've said it before and I'm not shy of saying it again. Mello's hands are frickin' _magical._ It was significantly easier to relax when I had that to focus on instead of the fingers still awkwardly intruding my most personal orifice.

Ew. Put it like that and I was nearly squirming all over again. Although, it was decidedly better then the before experienced sensation of being near tore in half. That was definitely something I was not willing to go through again. Which, I suppose was why I was hear with Mello and not some other creep...

Actually, as the moments dragged on, it didn't even feel that bad. I wouldn't exactly call it good, but it was certainly not as awkward. That was...until Mello decided to add a third finger and the process started all over again. Panic, tension, internal cursing of whoever first came up with the idea that they could stick their dick in such a small place. I mean, who was that anyway? Sex was supposed to be good for _both_ people, wasn't it?

Not that...this was bad. It was getting alright again actually. Soon enough I found myself rocking my hips into his hand, gripping his shoulders to tug him down and resume our forgotten kiss. It would be alright, this was alright, all that was left was for him to get inside me....

Again, seeming to read my thoughts, Mello suddenly withdrew his fingers. Before I could stop it, a small whine came out, although...whether it was for the loss, or for what was to come was any one's guess. Of course, what was to come was definitely the prospect that brought my tension back. But...that would be it, right? We would finally manage what we hadn't been able to because of my damn...fear of sorts. It couldn't be all that bad, people did it all the time, right?

In a rare, and surprising, gesture of affection, Mello's now free hand found mind, twining our fingers together. His lips never left mine, even as he shifted our positions, pushing my legs more apart and himself in between them. By now I was on my back, with the blond sort of hovering over me. Which, may or may not have helped. I was at least happy to be able to see him.

At the same moment his tongue slipped into my mouth, it seemed the first small centimeters of his dick pushed into me as well. Yeah....definitely larger then his fingers, and definitely a bit painful. Despite that I knew I needed to relax, I tensed up once again. This apparently caught Mello's attention, though he only pulled back slightly. Not out, of course not, he wouldn't just give up. His hand squeezed mine lightly, a reminder or possibly an assurance. I didn't care, it was enough, but I still found myself wanting _out. _Or...him out actually. Whatever.

I hated that. We'd gotten so far, but I couldn't help but pull back, sitting up swiftly. He did the same, a albeit in a slower movement then I had. I couldn't be sure, but I thought I might have caught a bit of...hurt? on his expression before he half looked away.

"It's okay." He breathed heavily, before I could apologize. Wordlessly, I shook my head, because it was not okay. It was like I was leading him on, and every time we got stopped...by me. And this time, so close. I wanted him but...

No. No buts. I did want him, and I could have him, so I would, wouldn't I?

Still without a word, I shifted awkwardly into his lap. One hand caught his jaw, forcing him to look at me. My lips pushed onto his once again, both in apology and promise. The other hand curled around his still prominent hard on, drawing a surprised noise from him. Just how to do this....

Again I shifted, knees on either side of his hips. The kiss stuttered on his part, like he would pull away. His own hand touched my hip, and he did actually pull back. Only for me to push up on my knees a bit, taking a different grip on his erection.

Before I could connect our lips again as planned, he tilted his head out of reach. His eyes narrowed again with that searching look as he watched me. Not that I would let that phase me. I already knew what to do.

"Matt. What the fuck are you- _ahn...fu-ah-ck!_" The exclamation on Mello's part timed near perfectly with the half pained curse that tore out of my throat. Which, was probably for the better, because fuck that hurt, and he didn't exactly need to know that. Then again, it would be stupid to think that forcing his dick inside me with a good downward thrust of my hips wouldn't have hurt...

But, he was inside, and there hadn't been any tearing, and that was all that mattered. Unconsciously, I wriggled a bit, trying to get used to the feeling before we got any farther. Mello bit into his lip, a light pink brushed over his cheeks, eyes almost hazy looking for the moment. Jeez...could he look any sexier? I think...not. I couldn't help but grin, to show him it was alright, threading my fingers into his hair and starting another heated kiss.

Of course, I'm sure it was difficult for Mello to just sit there and kiss me while his probably very needy hard on was in my surprisingly not too painful ass. So, it wasn't long before I was on my back again, Mello moving his hips all too slowly. Gentle even. which, in other situations was alright, but not this one.

"Mello." I panted, because god it almost felt...good. Really good. "Mello, I'm not gonna...nn...break."

"No?" I don't know if he was trying to test me or what, but at the moment he gave a particularly hard thrust, he hit _something._ Something that brought an almost embarrassingly loud cry from my throat, and sent warm sparks of pleasure throughout. Definitely something I'd missed out on last time I'd been fucked.

"Fuck...." The curse came out as more of a whimper then a word, but I ignored that, gripping his shoulders and giving yet another lustful kiss. "D-do that again."

I think he might have laughed, definitely made some sort of happy noise. His hands once more grabbed my hips as his thrusting, thankfully, picked up in pace.

And this was frickin' amazing. It was hard to remember why I hadn't wanted to do this to begin with. Actually, it was hard to think at all. Outside of getting Mello to go faster, to get more of him, all of him...

I wasn't even sure how long it was before his hand met my own hard on again. By now the room was filled with his panting and my...louder noises and murmurings of his name. And all it took was another hard thrust against that wonderful spot for me to see frickin' stars, exploding with that powerful warmth with Mello's name in a cry on my lips. Apparently Mello wasn't so far behind, as his thrusts became less in rhythm, hips jerking as he pressed his face against my throat, muffling his own moan.

As soon as I could focus (and work my arms) again, I pushed lightly at his chest. "Get outta me." I whined, knowing it would irritate him enough to move. An exasperated sigh was given in return, but he at least pulled off and out of me. Ugh, what a gross feeling. Although, comparatively better then before.

With a lazy grin, I rolled over, forcing him to lay down again so I could crawl on top of him. I hummed lightly as I pressed my lips tiredly to his throat, having he strangest urge to laugh. I just felt _that_ good. Instead though, I nuzzled up to his throat, the feeling of his fingers combing through my hair only heightening my pleasure.

"Not so bad, eh?" Mello questioned after a few moments more silence. I actually giggled (Yeah, okay? I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty gay sounding.) this time, lifting my head to grin at him. I shook it back and forth slowly, all too pleased by the smile I got in return, influencing me to kiss him yet again. Seemingly of their own accord, my fingers played over his chest, bringing back the sex charged ambiance from before.

"Let's go again." This time I definitely heard a laugh, but Mello didn't seem opposed to the idea. Not at all. And soon we were starting again, kissing and groping and needing and _loving._

I would happily eat my words in order to agree with the fact that sex was fucking _great._


	15. Fifteen: Mello&Matt

**A/N: ...It's. Been a while. An awful long while. And this chapter is probably going to be short. But it IS the end. I'm sorry to say so, really. I had fun writing it. Wish there were some things I could have done better/differently, and would were I not about to get caught up in some stuff of my own. (e.g. Tricks over with The Original Gamer). Still, I think it turned out alright, eh? Anyway, ya'll probably want to get to this last chap, which is really nothing more than an add on so...here ya go!  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

"Mello!"

As was only to be expected, I'd barely made it through the door before a pair of thin arms were tight around me, the owner of those arms showering me in kisses in a quick, nearly suffocating manner. I wondered a moment if, had I not been in such a good mood, this would have annoyed me, or just brightened my mood further. Hard to tell, Matt did a lot of stupid crap that could of easily done either.

Thankfully for him, I _was_ in that good mood, and only allowed a sigh of exasperation, mostly to taunt him, carefully peeling him off of me. His hair was damp, and a pair of, fuck, Mario printed boxers hung dangerously off his hips. That, and the fact that his skin was still glistening just slightly from moisture told me he'd probably rushed out of the shower as soon as he'd been alerted to my presence. How sweet of him...

Well, it had been nearly a week since we'd seen each other, I could admit his eagerness was perfectly justified. I could admit that I'd missed him like hell too. All for a good cause though. A _very_ good fuckin' cause.

One I would never get to explain, seeing as him standing there, tugging up his boxers so they wouldn't just slip off, those huge eyes of his focused on me with intensity was enough for me to want to take him right there. Not that the spot he stood on hadn't been used for such purposes before, I don't think there was a spot in the small flat that hadn't. However, that would not suit the current situation, and I waved a hand at him as I went to retrieve chocolate from one of the various cabinets stocked with it. "Go get dressed, Matt. I'm not going anywhere," I thought he might protest, try something funny even that would encourage my urge to jump him to become more than just an urge. He didn't, seeming to get that now was not the time.

I found it hard to believe that I actually found a time not adequate for sex outside of work. Then again, miracles did happen.

Matt dressed in record speed, even for him seeing as he wore his pants baggy enough that he didn't have to bother with the button or fly (lazy bastard), appearing within what damn well could have been seconds. Although, I supposed he could have done better clothing wise, seeing as his striped t-shirt hung of his shoulder in a way that showed the remains of a hickey on his collar-bone. Which, naturally, made me want to darken it again.

Dammit. Sex-addicted or no, I don't believe I was so sexually inclined before I'd started this thing with Matt. Seriously, mistake me for sex-incarnate all you want, but the _real_ one was the redhead currently rifling to the fridge. Get with him once, and you'd know what I meant. (Unluckily for you, that'll never fuckin' happen.)

Such thoughts brought on _other_ thoughts that were starting to stir my lower regions. Not something I wanted at the moment. Shoving those thoughts aside, I managed to focus on Matt's words, instead of the way his lips formed around them. (It's been a long fuckin' week, cut me some slack.) "So, uh, 'sup Mels?"

'Sup'? Really? I rolled my eyes, refraining from scoffing by instead regarding his curious expression, trying to picture how he was going to take what I had to say next. The wrapper crinkling under my fingers as I peeled it away from the chocolate was the only thing to break the silence, one I knew was probably internally driving Matt crazy, though he said nothing. Didn't even seem fazed, eyes flitting occasionally between the energy drink he held in his hands, and me. His goggles hung loosely around his neck, as they had more and more often lately. That often made me wonder if he hadn't trusted me before, and was finally getting along to it now.

But that was stupid, and I was just getting distracted again.

"It's over, Matt." I said simply, snapping off a chunk of chocolate. The noise resounded surprisingly loudly in the small kitchen, either preventing or encouraging one of those awkward as hell silences.

Belatedly, I realized that sounded like a fucking break up line. As had Matt apparently, judging by the way he was looking at me. His eyes had gotten impossibly wider, mouth slightly agape in a way that would have looked stupid on anyone else. A few things happened within the next second, but I barely registered them as the end result was Matt clinging to me tighter than even before. I knew that his energy drink was currently leaking all over the kitchen floor, having dropped the can in the rush to get to me, and I definitely knew who'd be cleaning it up later.

That thought was for later though, as it was hard to focus on anything but the quivering gamer clutching at me like his life depended on it. "Fuck, _Mels."_ He gushed. And yeah, I mean gush. There really wasn't really another word for it. His voice was beyond it's usual soft, more like he'd been breathing the words. My mind grappled with uncharacteristic difficulty to find a way to explain what I'd meant so as to avoid a distressed Matt.

It seemed I didn't need that though, seeing as when he lifted his head, his eyes were brimming with tears. But not just any tears, they were his silly happy tears, seeing as there was a lopsided smile on his lips. Not for the first time, I wondered how the fuck anyone could cry _happy_ tears, but I reminded myself I didn't care, seeing as at least it meant Matt was happy.

Even if tears were a shit way of showing it.

"You're kidding me? No, you can't kid Mels, I've learned that. But...fuck!" He rambled in that way he did when he didn't know what to say, which was a lot more than should be expected from a genius, but it was...endearing in a way. It was impossible to get a word in edgewise though, unless you forcefully shut him up. (Which put some rather good ideas in my head, ehe.) "It's...over. No more Kira, hah! Serves the dickwad right! That's so...fuck, I don't know! Words suck hard, it's just...woah. Mels!" A breathy laugh of what could have only been delight escaped him, and he squirmed against me without seeming to realize what he was doing. This happy rambling continued a few more seconds, before he paused and blinked at me. "Wait...how?"

That was a good question. One I'd hoped he wouldn't ask, but being Matt he always had to do exactly what I didn't want him to do. Without seeming to even realize it. How, I would never understand. Shit just happened.

How this whole case case ended, however, I understood perfectly well. Nearly a year of near nonstop work, and plenty of help from Matt, had landed us at a point where I thought I could finally end it all. Bring Kira down finally. Not without consequence, that being a nice new scar and not a lot of free time for Matt and I, but it was all worth it.

Even to hand it all over to Near in the end.

Yeah, yeah, I fuckin' _know._ Mello not taking the glory? Mello willingly working with Near? Fuck that shit, no way it's true.

Too bad it is. But y'know, love makes you do crazy shit. This way, neither of us had to deal with all the shit that came with the legal end to such a large case. _I_ knew I'd won, and Matt didn't care either way, and that was all that mattered. (I mean, I was gonna be bitter about it, but I could be good for Matt.)

Matt, who started crying all over again when I told him this. Sure not full out sobbing and pathetic clinging, but tears spilled down his cheeks no less, and he was looking at me in a way that made me feel like I was going to combust or something. Like fucking fireworks, I swear it.

That didn't last long before the crooked grin was back, and he was playfully gripping at my hands, dragging me into some energetic movements that could be called dancing, but had that clumsy Matt edge that kept it from being actually that. Not to say I minded, and for once I allowed myself to go along with Matt's childish antics. It was refreshing, at best. After years of strain, it was amazing such small actions could lift it all over my shoulders.

Although, this was Matt we were talking about. Of course he could do that. And through innocent means such as these, not bothering to use sex as a stress reliever as I often had before he'd come back along. He did it. And I loved him for it.

Though, sex was always great too. It _had_ been a week.

* * *

Innocent.

Weird how that was all I could think about after a few rounds of sex.

After a year of witnessing not so pleasant activities, even from behind a computer, Matt was still innocent. Maybe not physically, but it was emotionally so. He got sex jokes now, loved to use them himself. He'd been _involved_ in potentially scarring activities himself, yet Matt had hardly changed since I'd first met him when he'd been little under nine years old. And that was saying something.

Fuck, it was _amazing._ That he could still care so strongly for, not just me, but peoples' welfare as a whole. That, while he didn't believe in God, he followed his standards better than most Christians, without even seeming to realize it. How he, despite everything he'd seen me do and what I'd had him do for me, could still love me so fiercely that, in those moments where I _hated_ myself, he wouldn't even get angry for my being pathetic. He'd do his thing, calm and gentle, and everything was better again just like that. I had the drive again.

Through it all he kept that innocence that had intrigued and annoyed me when we were younger. I'd never been able to find the source, still didn't fucking know it. But it was amazing no less, beautiful, _Matt._

Such were some of the thoughts that rolled about my head as I held the sleeping redhead against me, still threading my fingers through his hair idly. He'd fallen asleep not to long ago, after his usual post-sex rambling. Tonight's topic being where we could possibly go now that this whole Kira bull shit was over. Said he'd wanted to go back to England, but at the same time he didn't want to leave his baby behind.

I still found it hard to get over the fact that his car was his baby.

There had been weirder things, however. One of those being the fact that I was sitting in bed musing over sappy things that would have normally caused me to gag. Fucking Matt did that to me. Although, as time went by I was growing less and less annoyed by all the things Matt could do.

I blame him for that too.

Glancing down at him, head on my chest, hair splayed all over the place, it was a little more than difficult to truly be annoyed by him. Always fuckin' had been. But that was just Matt for you.

For me rather, sure as hell not you.

Shaking my head, I settled back myself, releasing a few quiet prayers under my breath as I allowed myself to doze off peacefully. And for the first time in a long fucking while, my dreams weren't tainted by guilt or regret, or even lust. No, I imagined they mirrored Matt's, calm, innocent, reflecting the wishes he relayed to me each night I was here about our own life away from the bullshit I'd been raised into.

And, even subconsciously, I found myself planning to give him just that. Wanting it to.

**

* * *

**

Matt:

"Mels, if you don't get this frickin' blindfold off me right now I'm parking my ass in front of the couch and spending some quality time with my PlayStation. Meaning you aren't _touching_ it."

"Why would I want to touch it anyway?"

"Not my PlayStation, my ass. Duh."

"Well, yeah Matty. That's what I fuckin' meant, dumb ass."

I don't know if Mello chose to actually listen to me, or what, but I felt tugging at the knot behind my head that held the cloth over my eyes. I was secretly forming a plan to tackle him and, I don't know, tickle him into submission or something for blindfolding me when said blindfold fell away.

"_Oh."_

"Yep," Mello seemed pleased with himself, leaning against the doorway to...well a house. Kind of boring, yeah, but it meant a hell of a lot to me. Meaning it wasn't actually boring, so there.

Especially seeing as I could make out a giant TV in the spacious living room as I peered through the glass door. Damn that would be fucking awesome to game on. I could practically fell myself drooling over how awesome the graphics would look on that thing. "Jesus, Mels..." I couldn't find my voice, just like on that evening a few days ago when he'd announced that we were finally done with he case. And just like that night, I felt tears springing up in my eyes, hidden behind my goggles this time so he couldn't mock me for my silly tears.

He smirked at me, but it was the good kinda smirk. The one that could have counted as a smile, and I know I could get to change into one with a little prodding. My heart melted a little more, as it always did when I looked at him. I mean, c'mon, you can't blame me. He's frickin' _gorgeous_ and when he's smirking at me like that, standing in front of...

"Is this ours?" It sounded stupid to ask, but I wanted to confirm. It seemed so out of the blue, so uncharacteristic. Mello hadn't said a word about something like this, ever. Yet here we were, standing in front of what looked to be a furnished house in some neighborhood in LA that looked shitloads different than the one we'd been living in for the past almost two years.

And he laughed. It was an amazing sound, really. I'm not really sure how to describe it, so I'm just going to say it's like chocolate. Rich. It's a good comparison, all considering who it was for. I guess that was answer enough, as he just gestured inside. Well, that, and he pulled out a set of keys. Don't ask me where from, I've yet to figure out where he keeps it all. (Although I have my suspicions...)

That aside, I became rather distracted of seeing the inside of...of our house. The thought was awkward, but sent those little thrills of happiness up my spine. I must have looked either really stupid, or overly eager because Mello laughed again, uttering a "Whoa Matty." Probably because my foot caught on the space between the floor and the door and I almost face planted the lovely hardwood floors. The floors that I found myself slipping on even after I'd saved myself from a face plant, ending up on my ass instead.

Also, apparently I'd forgotten my shoes in my rush to get out the door. _Ahem, _I mean when Mello had been practically dragging me out it.

Okay, I couldn't really be angry when I was facing the first few feet of _our_ new house. ( I was really never going to get over that, I mean _seriously.)_ Even if my butt was hurting from taking a fall like that. It appeared Mello had some sympathy, as he came over and dragged me to my feet. A little too roughly, I might add, as I ended up clutching at his chest to avoid falling again. That, or I was just a clumsy ass. It was awful hard to tell at times.

"Fucking holy mother of Zelda...Mello this is, ah, too much?" Was it a present even? I mean, it was a house. Generally that meant it belonged to the both of us. At the same time, it certainly hadn't been my idea. Not that I was complaining about it, seeing as I talked about it sometimes. A lot of the time...I had dreams, okay? Who doesn't want a house for just them and their boyfriend with a big TV for gaming and no neighbors to complain because maybe you were moaning a _little_ too loud. (That was embarrassing stuff, let me tell you.) "Never mind, I don't frickin' know. I don't really know what to say. So you should probably ignore me, I'm rambling. Or I could shut the fuck up, that helps to and...dammit, Mels. I love it, 'kay?"

I couldn't help but flush when he laughed again, which was probably more laughter than I'd heard from him in my whole life. No complaining here, I loved it. He tweaked my cheek in a teasing fashion, releasing me to look around himself, as if he hadn't actually seen the place. "Of course you love it. You only talk about it a hundred fucking times a day," Which, I didn't actually. Mello likes to exaggerate, and it was only fair anyway. That I talked about it, I mean. Anyone would be crazy for something like this after living in that shitty complex for months. With it's creepy people and broken air conditioner, and hollow walls. Talk about lack of privacy.

Speaking of which...

I used the advantage of socks and hardwood to slide a bit across the floor to the door, shutting it before sliding back to Mello. (I was really starting to like this hardwood stuff. It was fun, heh.) My arms went around his neck to catch myself, while my feet seemed to want to slide a little bit more, splaying my legs and almost causing us both to go down. Fortunately he caught us, resting his hands on my butt to as to balance us. Really I just think he wanted to grab me there, still no complaint though.

"Hi," I smiled and he rolled his eyes, pulling me closer to himself.

"Hi yourself," He responded in an exasperated tone, though he softened as I leaned up to push my lips to the corner of his. This was followed by a few short kisses along his chin, and then back up to the opposite corner of his mouth. Apparently patience was not a virtue in his book, as I only got to continue with this for a short while before he grabbed my jaw and kissed me 'properly'. Like kissing him anywhere else wasn't proper, pft.

We were panting and practically naked (well...I was down to my socks) when there was a knock on the door to remind us we were about to sex each other up in the foyer. I blinked between Mello and the door, which the blond was currently glaring at. Rather then, y'know, warn me, he released his hold on my hips, causing me to fall on my poor but _again_, as he stalked towards the door in all his leather-clad glory. Well, his pants clad glory, that was.

And then the bastard threw open the door, even though I was _right there_ and _naked. _Regardless he proceeded to thoroughly cuss out the poor lady and ramble a bit about the importance of sex, and all the while the women kept looking between me and the probably scary blond. Total mood kill, really.

When that was over with, I gave Mello the most serious look I could muster, making a tsk'ing noise in my throat. "That poor women, scarred for life. And our first day in the neighborhood too. What am I gonna do with you?" I shook my head in an exasperated fashion, which was my mistake seeing as it meant I'd removed my eyes from Mello.

Which somehow was enough for me to go from the floor to his arms. I let out a, uh, squeak of surprise, throwing my arms around his neck and clinging. Rather hard considering I was clutched bridal style in his arms. Fuckin' _girl_ style. "Put me down asshole!" It didn't even make sense that he could lift me to begin with. Yeah I was skinny...but so was he! Albeit a totally sexy, muscled, lean kind of skinny and...

Uhm, well the mood came back to life.

He snickered, ignoring my demands to be put down in favor of carrying me to what I hoped was the bedroom. Fortunately, I hoped right, as it wasn't long before I was met with the sight of a large, sunny room. Sunny 'cause of the huge window on the east wall, which I sincerely hoped he was going to close before we got to business.

In that instance, I hoped wrong, as without so much as a glance at the window, he dropped me unceremoniously on the bed, pausing to discard his pants before joining me. He leaned over me with the kind of smirk that sent heat straight down south, and I squirmed a bit in response. Must have been just what he was after, seeing as he chuckled, the sound deep compared to his regular laughter, pressing his lips to my jaw. The simple touch did wonders and, as usual, I felt myself craving Mello without much more than that. Then again, I was kinda always craving Mello, sexually or no.

Not the point.

"You know," He spoke around kisses and continued chuckles at the noises that escaped me each time he decided to bring his tongue into play. "I'm beginning to like this house thing more by the second," Here he paused, pulling back to kiss me directly, only pulling away when I saw spots in my vision from lack of oxygen. "More places to fuck,"

I rolled my eyes, sliding my fingers through his hair and pressing my lips to the tender spot I'd found just below his pulse, nipping lightly at the skin. "Only you, Mels." I laughed, reveling in the noise I'd drawn out of him in turn for the gentle biting.

"Only me, huh?" His hands grasped at my wrists, holding them above my head to prevent me from grabbing at him like I so badly wanted to, sitting on my hips in a manner that gave the faintest, teasing pressure. His smirk only seemed to grow as his lips lingered over my jaw, trailing down in a further taunting fashion, before trailing back up to my ear. "Love you,"

The words sent a jolt through me like no touch could, and I felt like I could cry _again. _It wasn't like I didn't know it, not like I'd never heard it before. It was just...rare coming from Mello. When we weren't in the midst of sex, I mean. Or, like, when we were in bed and he thought I was sleeping when I actually wasn't. Basically it was weird for him to just say it, but not the bad kind of weird. It came as a pleasant shock every time he did. And, for such a simple thing, it reminded me just how much I loved _him._ How those months of non-stop work and other unpleasant things were worth it for _this._

...How much more of a sap I'd become now that Mello and I were a thing.

Most importantly, it reminded me of the Mello I'd first come to love. The Mello back from Wammy's, before the competition had really gotten to him. The one that played and laughed and smiled more, one who was innocent and real.

The one that was still in there and all for me.

Letting out a slightly panting breath, still winded from our kiss, I gave him a serious look, but I knew he'd know it meant so much more without cheesy smiles. "Love you back,"

And our lips and bodies met again, and despite the actions taking place, it wasn't sexual. Wasn't hot and heavy, filled with pants and moans. It was just us, connecting, intimate, finally getting a chance to be innocent to the world.

**

* * *

**

And that's it~! This chapter is a bit rambly, I think. But...I wanted to get it out while I still had the drive. Meaning it's the end. Hope ya'll enjoyed!


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